How appropiate is it 4 a Pastor to....

I dont think anyone here would suggest that women and children who are molested are at fault. The eyebrows are raised b/c there was no effort to stop the intimate talk. I had a minister once begin to tell me intimate things. My gut told me he was "grooming" and I first told my husband, then together we talked with the pastor. My gut was right. He later found one who would listen compassionately and had an affair with her. She was 14, he was 35. He went to prison for time. She is scarred. And so is a church.

I am not saying you egged it on or anything. I just find it hard to feel compassionate in this situation. You asked our opinions, and we have given them. Maybe it was not what you wanted to hear.
I think you knew the situation with the pastor was inappropriate when you made the opening post.

 

No, it isn't appropriate.

Joseph Botwinick

 

Is that a double negative? :smilewinkgrin: :laugh: :tongue3:

JB getting even with tiny...........................:tonofbricks:

 

Philippians,

Im sorry if you got the impression that we were jumping on you. Frankly, I agree with Tater and Scarlett. And you're absolutely right.....it does show how things can get out of hand for anyone. It's a lesson to learn that none of us should think we are strong enough to handle something that is completely inappropriate for us to try to handle in the first place.

It's really not about attraction. It's about who will listen. It is never appropriate for a man to go to another lady with problems between himself and his wife. Then we have the added point that this is a pastor who ought to have known better. If his wife were the one coming to another lady.....ok, that's another thing. But never the man.

Now that you've realized the errors here you've started the process. Im glad, and I hope all involved get right and get help.

 

It's about women knowing each other because we're all women

Apparently not, if it took that long for you to tell your husband some other man had been discussing sex with you, theres a problem there.
you should have put a stop to it the first time it happened and immediately told your husband so he could take care of it. It is extremely inappropriate for any man, pastor or not to talk to you like this, ever. It is equally inappropriate for you to allow it to continue.
This man does not need to be a pastor, and you and your husband need to talk to the deacons.

 

I think you are talking about 2 different things and we are not getting some important parts of the story.
You have not told us anywhere so far that you were a victim.
Therefore there is no perpetrator.
A man has attempted to initiate an affair with you.
And yes thats what it is.
what would I ahve done if my pastor told me on the phone about his sex life and how unhappy he is with his wife?
I'd have told him I did not wish to discuss it with him, hang up and tell my husband.
Thats what I would do, and I am sure about it. I will not allow a man to talk about sex with me, it is not right.
And I fail to see how that is judgemental.
Yes pastors are accountable.
But you are accountable to God, and you allowed it to go on for a year I think you said. It is not your place to help any man understand the sexuality of their wife.

None of the 'facts' you have given have anything to do with rape. So I have to wonder where this plays a part in the story?
It is certainly not the same thing as a man coming on to you and you allowing it.
You asked for opinions.

 

I am sorry Phil121 that you are deciding not to say anything. I hope you will. In any counseling relationship, the pastor should never begin to talk about his own life. You call to talk about a question or to talk about your own life. He was in the wrong both with you and with your husband. He broke a bond of trust.

There may be other issues that you need to talk with your husband about, but this is one that for the good of the church and any other future women/churches needs to be addressed now. Please say something to the leadership of the church. Follow the scriptural guidelines.

 

Re: appropriate, etc.

In the background and being ignored by all of us is the whole false issue of "sexual problems." There are only one set of "sexual problems" that really are that, and those are strictly medical and physiological, and are best handled by a gyn doc or a urologist.

All other "sexual problems" are just a covering for a "bad relationship," which means, in the case of believers, one or both of them disobeying the scriptural instructions on how to conduct marriage.

I have been counseling people for a long time, and my wife and I have been in a busy bi-vocational counseling ministry for over 5 years now. Over the years, many have come to us and said, "We have this problem, and that problem, and this other thing, and by the way, there is no 'fire under our sheets.' " Our experience is that if we work on aligning the counselees' marriage with the Bible, by the time we work through issue #1 to whatever, the sexual problem has taken care of itself. Two healthy people who are married, share a common faith, and don't have major areas of disobedience in their marriage will have no problem in this area. God says plainly (1 Cor 7:2-5) that the husband and wife own each other and that they are to have frequent sexual relations, only stopping occasionally to pray and fast. God does not deal at all with the aerobic and technical nature of marital relations, which apparently are not all that important if there is love and affection. Remember, the Kama Sutra and other such pornographic tomes disguising themselves as serious literature, are the products of pagan culture.

We are imitating the world to elevate sex to something which is an issue in and of itself. The issue is for the husband to love the wife as he loves himself, and for the wife to "see to it," that she respects her husband. (Ep 5:33). What is hard to understand here?

Finally, If I am going to be seeing a single female or a married female who is coming to the appointment by herself, I am ALWAYS accompanied by my wife. If my wife is sick, the appointment is cancelled.

I cannot believe you and your husband are still in that man's church!

 

We have actually dealt with that particular thing fairly often. The world says that this is an incurable trauma, or one that must take years to fix. The real truth is, that if a person, man or woman (we have dealt with victims of both genders) obeys God and forgives from the heart, the perpetrator of the abuse, then and only then can they begin healing; and, if the forgiveness is complete, the healing moves very fast indeed. The problem is often a stubborn disobedient spirit which says, "I have been hurt, I want to hold on to this...". The key passages in dealing with this are Mat 6:14-15 and Mat 18:21-35.

 

To react is not disobedience; to be shown our error by God through His word and to continue in that attitude is disobedience. If we take God at His Word and do what He says, He will give us a peace that is unexplainable by any human means--Phil 4:4-7.

 

Philippians,

you asked if it was appropriate for a pastor to act in the fashion you described.......we answered you as truthfully and openly as we could. But that meant we also had to point out that he was not the only one who was inappropriate. You understand here, you are not a child, you said yourself that you felt as if you were in the position to help him somehow.....thus there was no abuse. As one of the ladies said, he was in the process of starting an affair.....I agree with that, too.

I for one mention this again because you seem to just think this is going to happen to you because you are who you are, and the rest of us just don't get it. I can tell you now, if a man tried this (and it HAS happened to me) I would and DID say that that is not an appropriate thing for him to talk to me about. And it was done and over with, he never tried it again. (not my pastor, btw)

You need to learn this lesson because it is saying something about you, here. Please don't rely on one article for your entire opinion on this subject.......the Bible has the answers we need.

Please, do say something. It is the only appropriate thing to do at this point. But do not shut people out when they try to help you overcome a fault which has overtaken you, or which is threatening to overtake you. Right now I believe you are only being threatened.....and we are trying to warn you.

 

Phil 121

First, I want to thank your for your candor. I have had to rethink my relationships with men and women. Since I am single, I have had many pastors divulge their difficulties in their marriage with me . . . in the past, I allowed them to talk trash about their wives - I don't think that I will allow that in the future.

Second, some folks around here can be very direct when they want to be on a subject . . . the trick is knowing when they want to be direct on that subject before posing a question.

Third, you and your husband need professional help in dealing with this:

a. Major 'B' might be able to recommend someone in your area.
b. You should consider legal counsel
c. You need family counseling . . . I know that you say that your husband and you trust each other, but the standard reaction when a couple is attacked like this is to strengthen the relationship for a period of time and then to distance from each other for a period of time. . .

Fourth as for the judgmental types on the Board . . . just smile, pray, and wave at them.

:wavey: