Quick run down of my past. I grew up believing (or thinking that I did) that the Bible was truth though I did not live in a strong Christian home.
As I got older I started questioning and reading the Bible for myself and started going to Church and what not. Anyway, I accepted Christ for the forgiveness of my sins and was completely worry free from life though to be honest it took a good while to get to that point.
Well over the past year or so I quit reading my Bible, going to Church and prayed very little. So anyway a few months ago I got a bit sick and it took a while to figure out what was wrong (nothing major at all) but when it was all said and done I decided to get my life together and get close to God. It really made me realize how far I had drifted.
So I start reading my Bible again and before you know it I quit using bad language (pretty effortlessly too) and put away bad habits and hobbies that were taking too much of my attention and were standing between the Lord and I.
But then BAM, the feelings of abandonment kicked in like mad. The fear started just driving me crazy and I stared praying A LOT and eventually began to feel a bit better and started getting confident in my Christian walk again.
Then a couple weeks later I started to get a lot of anxiety and fear again but this time it was about my faith. I started questioning everything…like was my faith genuine….did I really believe and am I really saved. Before you know it I’m in total confusion and fear that has had me begging Jesus for more faith. I’m struggling between the knowing as fact, and the “feeling” of being saved and how different the two are. The fear and confusion got so bad that I even became scared to read my Bible because every time I read something negative I automatically associated it with myself. Now the fear seems to come and go and I keep telling myself (or someone is telling me) not to run from the word but to run to it. So that’s what I’m doing…..reading and praying and trying to stay focused on God and my lord Jesus Christ but the fear just grabs me and I feel completely helpless, confused and doubting my faith. It is the most terrifying feeling I think I have ever had. I have been getting up and going into empty offices or bathrooms and praying for the Lord to help me. I have asked the Lord to come into my heart more times than I can count and I did again yesterday just to solidify it and be done with it but then the fear and doubt still kicked in again this morning.
So now I’m at a point where if I am saved I need to quit worrying and quit letting Satan get the best of me and if I’m not saved I want to be….NOW. But this is like a never ending cycle of torment… I wish I had stayed on track and not distanced myself from the Lord….this has been the worst time in my life.
Thanks for any advice.
