Wow humblethinker, your B.I.T.E link described my childhood so well I had to quit reading. 25 years out from breaking away, it still frightens me to realized just how controlled I was at the time. And honestly, my parents were more to blame than the churches(there were more than one) for the abuse, but the churches were to blame for encouraging the mindset that allowed the abuse, that ignored the abuse and by those two actions helped keep the abuse from seeing the light of day.
I was born into a IFB family though the churches we attended through the years weren't always IFB churches. Those churches, with a couple of exceptions, always had:
rigid codes of conduct (not always based on scripture),
practiced intense seperation from nonbelievers (even though Christ ate with prostitutes to be seen with someone of "that class' was sin to us) and,
were patriarchal in nature (women needed to keep their mouths shut! not that my mother ever did lol, but she did at church and told my father her views at home where she was very vocal about them) The man was the head of the house and everyone needed to toss their opinions out the door and do what he said.
How this played out in my life was a lot like the info in the link Humblethinker supplied and I referenced above. A few examples:
Rules of conduct: No drinking, smoking, dancing, playing cards, secular music, KJVO, girls wear dresses on Sunday and boys wear ties or suits (some of the churches thought women should ONLY wear dresses all of the time and to elsewise was sinful), no "cussing" even down to gosh, golly and darn (I don't know how socks ever got repaired!). That was just the beginning. There were rules about what absolutely everything you can think of. And no explanation for the rules.
You either followed the rules or you were a sinner bound for hell. Your actual status in Christ didn't matter if you DIDN'T FOLLOW THE RULES!
Separation from "non-believers" meant that as a child I wasn't exposed to people who thought the above was a bunch of hooey! My friends were chosen for me. Or more likely, I simply wasn't allowed to socialize outside the family because ________. The blank got filled in by everything from "they go to the Methodist church" (said in a tone that meant they were sadly mistaken sinners bound to burn in hell for all eternity) to "they let their kids play with cards!" (oh the horrors of playing go fish with a deck of playing cards!) IF there wasn't a reason, then it was "too inconvient" or we were being punished (usually for thinking something not approved of).
Patriarchal was kind of funny in our house and was one of the first things that caused me to really think my parents and the churches we attended really didn't sync up to well. My mother ruled the roost at home. My father, btw, still believe that he was right in allowing her to behave the way she did because he was "loving her as Christ loved the church". He might be the head, but she was neck that turned the head in the direction she wanted him to go in. But at church, this was considered okay, and her behavior excused, because Brother W allowed it.
My "coming out". Oh my. God saved me at age 7 and by age 10 I was already coming out! It took until I was 21 to accomplish it, but I already had disregarded much of what I'd been taught. It wasn't my parents fault. They told me every single day that I was dumb, misguided (who have YOU BEEN LISTENING TOO!), that I'd never accomplish anything with views like that, that hell awaited people who rejected the ideas of their church and "played in the world" and all sorts of other things designed to keep me emtionally, spirtually and financially dependent on them.
But while they were yayaing on and on about what a terrible person I was (and hey, I didn't go out drinking and smoking with my friends, never wanted to even if I felt like suffering the abuse my parents would mete out as "consequences"), while they kept up their constant criticism of every person who came into my life (they loved my husband until we announced our engagement!), and twisted me emotionally first in one direction and then the other.
While all that was going on, there was this still, quiet little voice that said "ignore that and read My Word. I'm here to guide you through." And that was the voice I listened to, the One I depended when I'd been beaten down (sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally), the One who taught me what scripture REALLY said as opposed to what my parents (and their churches) wanted it to say. God finally freed me from the oppression I'd been raised with at age 21. A that time I was able to stand firm in the face of parents who'd raised me as seperate from the rest of their families as possible (I have vast amounts of cousins I've never met) and find a church with my husband who taught scripture and expected the Holy Spirit to be capable of applying it to our lives.
What did I leave behind? Well, not much. Like I said my parents hadn't allowed me to form any relationships, and the one with my fiance they didn't exactly "allow" but opposed vehemently until I simply moved out and left them behind. God opened the door and I went through it. So I didn't have friendships to leave behind. My fiance and his family were my support during this transistion along with one aunt who'd been waiting for a chance to help get me out, though she'd been blocked at every chance (gasp! she was DIVORCED!!!)
Eventually, I to give up the relationship with my brother who in order to gain freedom for himself and his family, finally had to disown our parents completely. This keeps my parents from trying to use me as a go between between he and them, not that I was ever a good go between. I'm much too likely to tell my parents that if they want to know they should ask him! But, it was too much for him emotionally, especially after my mother got mad at ME and took it out on my brother's wife (with a ranting phone message that lasted the length of the tape and that my father said my sister in law deserved!
)
But that's okay. I trust that God can take care of my brother's emotional needs as well as He's taken care of mine all these years. My brother, will graduate nursing school this spring. Its an acheivment my parents refused him all those years ago, after telling him that he wasn't smart enough for college and just needed to go get a job.
As for me, God has achieved so many things in my life that I couldn't begin to list them here. This post is already way to long! I will say that my life now is worth the suffering I went through then. It's worth the phone call I will make in a little while acknowledging the contribution of my mother in my life. I don't do it for her, but for Christ who gave His all for all of us. And that is how I've come out and moved on.
