I've Blashphemed the Holy Spirit. What now?

[Yeshua1]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to pornography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

If you had really done that, you would have NO concern over your spiritual state!

 

[Aaron]

Thank you for your reply.

Though I have been doing my best to seek after the Lord through this for the past 2 years, nothing has changed regarding my heart or, seemingly, conscious. I still experience no conviction of sin or love for the Lord.
You say that you have gone through something similar to this. With your experience, how do I keep my head above water? How, in light of everything that I'm experiencing that would point the the Spirit's abandonment, do I keep going? In the past, the Lord has been my strength, joy and encouragement through hardship. Now that it is gone, how do I keep going? I've asked for him to encourage my heart but it is still just as hard and unfeeling.
Continuing to put one foot in front of the other seems so pointless and hopeless.

Be cold or hot. Either way, He may receive you. But don't halt between two opinions. If you've committed the sin, then you may as well sin willingly. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you die.

 

[Tyler]

This is starting to feel troll thread, BTH.

You're now the second person to assume that. I'm experiencing something that no one seems to understand no matter how much I try to explain it. I don't know if people are just not wanting to hear it or if they don't have a theological category for my experience so they reframe what I'm saying in another light. Either way, I'm seeking advice. If you think I'm attention grabbing or that I have nothing better to do with my time than post on here, please feel free to not comment.

 

[canadyjd]

You're now the second person to assume that. I'm experiencing something that no one seems to understand no matter how much I try to explain it........

I understand what you are saying and I think everyone that has offered you advice understands as well.

You are saying you were saved, in dwelt by Holy Spirit, and in close relationship with God. At some point, you turned from God and began to indulge in a particular, sinful addiction. The more you indulged in this addiction, the further from God you drifted. At some point, you believe God, Holy Spirit, departed from you.

You now believe you have lost your salvation and have committed the unforgivable sin because you have no desire to seek God and no remorse for continuous sinful acts.

You have come to the BB to get advice, but have rejected all advice by these Christian men and women out of hand.

If you are serious about this OP, you should take the time contemplate the very good advice you have been given.

I hope you find peace.

Peace to you

 

[Aaron]

Either way, I'm seeking advice. If you think I'm attention grabbing or that I have nothing better to do with my time than post on here, please feel free to not comment.

My advice is if you're on your way to hell anyway, make worth while. If you don't want to go that route, then mind your errand at the feet of Christ. Real assurance comes from the Spirit Romans 8:16 , not any man.

 

[Jedidiah]

You're now the second person to assume that. I'm experiencing something that no one seems to understand no matter how much I try to explain it. I don't know if people are just not wanting to hear it or if they don't have a theological category for my experience so they reframe what I'm saying in another light. Either way, I'm seeking advice. If you think I'm attention grabbing or that I have nothing better to do with my time than post on here, please feel free to not comment.

I was once in your position. Or close to it at least. Now I'm doing fine.

Legalism is the cause of your problems. Read Romans 9:30-33. You're the Jew in this passage. You are trying to be saved by the works of the law (quitting sin by your own efforts). Not only is it impossible to be saved by works, but it is destroying your faith.

You feel guilty and condemned because your sins are not forgiven. You should feel peaceful. You need to trust in Jesus to forgive your sins, which will be a lot easier when you cease the legalism.

 

[Dave G]

I'm experiencing something that no one seems to understand no matter how much I try to explain it.

I understand it perfectly, Tyler.
I spent 25 years digging a very deep hole that He later showed me was already forgiven at the cross.

That's why I'm trying my level best to encourage you to focus on the Lord and His words, and not how you feel.

 

[Calminian]

[

...Either way, I'm seeking advice. ...

Yeah, I think I agree with the other guy. You're arguing, not really listening. Your comments don't seem to jive with others that are really concerned about this.

 

[Tyler]

I understand it perfectly, Tyler.
I spent 25 years digging a very deep hole that He later showed me was already forgiven at the cross.

That's why I'm trying my level best to encourage you to focus on the Lord and His words, and not how you feel.

I appreciate it. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as though I'm not listening or being offensive. Not just to you but to everyone. You're posts over the last few months/year have been really encouraging. I do hear what you're saying. I'm just wrestling though this time ungracefully. Everything I'm experiencing regarding my spiritual situation seems to contradict everything I've stood on theologically and I'm discovering theological view points that validate this experience. It's just extremely discouraging and confusing trying to figure out which way is up now.

 

[Tyler]

[

Yeah, I think I agree with the other guy. You're arguing, not really listening. Your comments don't seem to jive with others that are really concerned about this.

Sorry if I'm coming off argumentative. I'm not intending to argue as much as have those making claims defeat my position. I really want to have security that the Lord has not abandoned me but I've always got a thought in the back of my head that speaks against the advice given. So my response is, "I hear what you're saying but what about this?" in hopes that that question can be dispelled as well. I do see how it can come off as argumentative and I apologize to everyone who I led to think that.

 

[Dave G]

I appreciate it. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as though I'm not listening or being offensive. Not just to you but to everyone. You're posts over the last few months/year have been really encouraging. I do hear what you're saying. I'm just wrestling though this time ungracefully. Everything I'm experiencing regarding my spiritual situation seems to contradict everything I've stood on theologically and I'm discovering theological view points that validate this experience. It's just extremely discouraging and confusing trying to figure out which way is up now.

Tyler,

Every believer goes through trials, tribulations, and tests of faith.
Every believer stumbles into sin and they feel like failures and God corrects them for it.
If He didn't, they wouldn't be His children.
Please read Hebrews 12.

Then read Psalms 88.
After that, I want you to read Psalms 89.
In fact, spend a lot of time in the Psalms, Tyler.

Finally,
Remember these:

" and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any [man] pluck them out of my hand." ( John 10:28 ).

" Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if [it were] not [so], I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, [there] ye may be also." ( John 14:1-3 ).

" [Let your] conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." ( Hebrews 13:5 ).

Do you love Him?
Then know that He loved you first ( 1 John 4:19 ).



May God bless you.