Joke Thread

What do you call it when your toes surrender?
Defeat *

A janitor suddenly emerged from a cleaning closet.
He shouted to startled onlookers :"Supplies!"

A duck walks in a bar and orders drinks for everyone.
The bartender askes the duck how he intends to pay.
The duck answers "Just put it on my bill."



* I made that one up.

 

Why did the man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.

I used to hate facial hair. Then, it grew on me.

 

If an armless guy has a gun --is he armed?

Where do homeless people have 85% of their accidents?

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

My doctor told me I was schizophrenic. I said "You've got the wrong guy."

My doctor told me that I'm s kleptomaniac.
So I've been taking a lot of stuff for it.

 

What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.

How does an octopus go into battle?
Well-armed.

Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cant-a-loupe.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a-salted.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks : "Why the long face?"

 

My doctor said I was going deaf.
That was hard to hear.

I went to a funeral home the other day. Man the prices have risen a lot.
I asked the funeral director about it.
He said it was due to the cost of living.

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That's the story of my life.

I went to a flea market last week and bought a globe.
It's a small world.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.

A thief stole toilets from several police stations.
The police have nothing to go on.

What's it called when non-dads tell dad jokes?
Faux pas.


I told a bunch of my dad jokes to a kid. He went Trick or Treating with my material.
He didn't get a single snicker.

 

I love trying to put myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.

Do you think that when George Washington was asked for identification he just showed them a quarter?

When he would have a bet with someone he'd say "Me or tails?"

 

I'm afraid of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over them.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

How do lawyers say goodbye? I'll be suing you.

What did the Buddhist ask the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
The Abu Dhabi do.

 

What happened to the cannonball guy at the circus?
He got fired.

How do spiders communicate?
The web.

What sounds do porcupines make when they kiss?
"Ow! Ouch!"

What's a cat's favorite meal?
Mice Krispies.

Why did the man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.

Every morning I call a friend and tell him I'm going jogging.
But I don't go.
It's a running joke.

I think it's wrong for only one company to make Monopoly.