Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage

Well, we certainly wouldn't want THAT to happen!

 

Delly, I am answering these in the order they appear in BB. Yes, you did the RIGHT thing to flee the abuse.My sole intention is to do nothing less than help you, as well as others, realize that negative conotations ensue by making the wrong choices of a mate. Even our Bible says not to be unequally yoked. That is why I stand so strongly on the issue, marriage is never to be taken lightly, it is to be bathed in prayer, before the vows are exchanged.

Please don't think I am against you or neglegent of the experiences you have been subjected to.

You husband is deceased now, though you will not forget, but you MUST forgive, there is more grace.

I do believe you would agree with me on this issue, knowing firsthand the downside of an abusive spouse, willing to reach out to help others before they enter into marraige,not just after the fact to "feel their pain" and have the same passion to "run away".

I have seen many marriages survive exactly what you have been through. I know he won't mind, but Brother Travis Clayton has a testimony of much akin to your former husband. God changed him, he is very dogmatic about the issue, but also very compassionate to others. He even ran over his wife of then 5 years with his car, they are happily married for over 25 years today, and you think you had it bad!!

I'll do seacrh on the web for him and try to find a link so everyone could see his testimony.

 

No, so stop throwing gravel.

 

No luck on finding anything on the web for Brother Clayton.

 

Ralph--don't understand your slam at my post. But I'm growing to expect things like this in here.

I merely wanted those who are here to feel as I do--the opinion of mortal man does NOT matter.

Delly is reaching out for someone to validate her decision, which by the way was the only decision in her case. Instead, in this christian forum she's told her action was "disease" and asked "why haven't you or your son killed him?" Just sounds a bit self righteous; while "stop throwing gravel," sounds a bit childish.

I do, however, feel you are very insightful in your advice as to Delly forgiving her former husband.

 

It is only a "good" answer if it is the truth, though sad as it is.

Then the marriage vows would not have been broken though, they would have released the both of you, man, who is now deceased, and you, who would have then been the widow, in good standing with the Law of God, and expecting the fullness of grace.

The question I now have for you is, can you stop "taking shots" at your former husband, especially now he is dearly departed?

You have no right to carry this bitterness any further, it is destroying the person God would have you to be!

I know it is hard! I live with the ramifications of family squables daily, but I have experienced the grace of God in knowing that it is not me that continues the attrition. My home is open to all my relatives, but they refuse to visit, and then demand I come to them. I've been to them, it is now their respective turn. Just as it is your turn to move on and stop dredging in the slimepit of bitterness. </font>[/QUOTE]Well, your post demonstrates that many Baptists are more concerned about divorse than they are about murder (threatened) or suicide. I would be more concerned about this man's eternal destiny than about:


"Then the marriage vows would not have been broken though, they would have released the both of you, man, who is now deceased, and you, who would have then been the widow, in good standing with the Law of God, and expecting the fullness of grace."

Many people just don't understand what it means to be in a truely abusive (as in assault and battery or firearms) marriage. They minimize it by babbling on about domestic squabbles. Did your wife ever hit you with her fists or something more dangerous like a hammer? Did she ever point a gun at you or threaten you with a knife? Did you ever have to go to a hospital and lie about those significant bruises to "keep it at home?"

This man committed suicide because he couldn't get at his wife to murder her. Let that sink in. We're not talking about a family squabble here. We're talking about a life or death situation. God will judge but it doesn't look good for the husband.

 

Your post was typical of those who demand'"You're judging me!", and I am NOT.

Divorce is a DISEASE, her emotional drip is also typical of those wanting others to share her "pain". I identify with her "pain", but I don't congratulate it, it would then glorify the devil, of which glory I'll have NO PART!

To divorce is admitting defeat, limiting the Holy One of Israel, denying the power of God's grace, and usually the mindest that goes along with it, "I deserve to have some one else", places the initiator of the divorce action as having rule and authority over God. Not so!

My remark in the form of a question is only to wake her out of lethargy of her condition; she was "going to" or her son was "going to" if they didn't leave, but to divoprce? WRONG! The finality is admitted by her, he committed suicide, now would that honour God at all? Isn't that what the Christian life is all about? Is that bearing the Fruit of the Spirit? NO! A thousand times NO!!!

The very man she fell in love with, could have become through the Mighty workings of God! if she would have let time have it's work.

I am only able to speak 2nd handed in her particualr situation, but too many times the "bailing out" happens too quickly, why even our ecumenical government is postponing many divorces, trying to allow time for reconciliation!!

"Self righteous"? Ha! Gimme a break! That is exactly where you have at least hinted at judging, erroneously I might add.

 

It is only a "good" answer if it is the truth, though sad as it is.

Then the marriage vows would not have been broken though, they would have released the both of you, man, who is now deceased, and you, who would have then been the widow, in good standing with the Law of God, and expecting the fullness of grace.

The question I now have for you is, can you stop "taking shots" at your former husband, especially now he is dearly departed?

You have no right to carry this bitterness any further, it is destroying the person God would have you to be!

I know it is hard! I live with the ramifications of family squables daily, but I have experienced the grace of God in knowing that it is not me that continues the attrition. My home is open to all my relatives, but they refuse to visit, and then demand I come to them. I've been to them, it is now their respective turn. Just as it is your turn to move on and stop dredging in the slimepit of bitterness. </font>[/QUOTE]Well, your post demonstrates that many Baptists are more concerned about divorse than they are about murder (threatened) or suicide. I would be more concerned about this man's eternal destiny than about:


"Then the marriage vows would not have been broken though, they would have released the both of you, man, who is now deceased, and you, who would have then been the widow, in good standing with the Law of God, and expecting the fullness of grace."

Many people just don't understand what it means to be in a truely abusive (as in assault and battery or firearms) marriage. They minimize it by babbling on about domestic squabbles. Did your wife ever hit you with her fists or something more dangerous like a hammer? Did she ever point a gun at you or threaten you with a knife? Did you ever have to go to a hospital and lie about those significant bruises to "keep it at home?"

This man committed suicide because he couldn't get at his wife to murder her. Let that sink in. We're not talking about a family squabble here. We're talking about a life or death situation. God will judge but it doesn't look good for the husband. </font>[/QUOTE]Friend, you are standing outside peering into the window, much like myself. I have NOT said her situation was a simple family squabble, I told her to RUN!!, But we're talking about Marriage, Divorce, and RE-marriage here, not life threatening situations, "Flee for your life!" Get out from inbetween God and the perpetrator!!

The "sinking in"? Why? So satan can devour what God has put in me concerning the Truth? I really don't belive one ought to allow the devil the chance to provoke an emotional; response! Divorce is nothing less than an EMOTIONAL RESPONSE!!

 

Your spirit has been revealed to the fullest. I dust my sandals.

 

Why thank you for appointing thyself as magistrate and judge over me, God can't do much w/o you!

 

[personal attack snipped]

[ February 18, 2005, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: dianetavegia ]

 

I was one of those who was much like your son growing up. My dad was very abusive. We kept it quiet. But a few knew though and said nothing. All my brothers and sisters actually talked about having him put in jail. Looking back I wished we had. To this day he has not gotten help. He has remarried twice after he divorced my mom. My mom is gotten much better psychologically and physically since leaving him. The lady he is married to now would give him the fry pan if he did what he did to my mom. She has made him grow up some and face some of his problems. Those who have not faced the end of a fist or barrel have no idea how to deal with something like that.

My Bible says to flee from the devil. Not entertain him or appease him. Some men are like demons. A man who will abuse his wife is not controlled by God's spirit but by Satan. I would not want to hang around to entertain Satan's destruction and anger. Let God take care of the judgemnt and apply His anger. Dangerous situations require immediate action f leaving. Dangerous people do not act in a rational manner and are very hard to deal with on a logical level. So often they only understand jail time and strong action.

 

Please refrain from attacking persons and debate positions with SCRIPTURE to back up your stands. The questioning of a person's salvation is NOT allowed on our board.

Thanks,
Diane
Board Administrator

 

If I may,
If by my leaving a dangerous situation and divorce is considered to be defeat..then I admit defeat.
If my leaving a dangerous situation and divorce is considered an emotional response..then yes I admit I was emotional. My immediate response to my immediate situation saved my life and my child's life.

Divorce isn't an unpardonable sin..I'm safe, I'm alive, and I've sought the Lord's mercy. I know I'm forgiven.

Can we all agree to disagree on certain discussions??
What good will it do anyone to argue?
It'll please the flesh,but destroy the witness.

Prayerfully,
Mommyperson

 

OK so maybe what what I said was a personal attack--for this I'm sorry to the thread and the keepers of it. I merely thought I was trying to add clarity to someone's life. Matt. 7:15 and Titus 1:10-16.

It is just a sad day when "christians" no longer empathize with the people around them.

The lost remain lost.

The divorced are alienated in worship.

The list goes on and on...

Can anyone imagine the nasty, five-time-divorced Samaritain woman at the well being witnessed to by someone other than our Lord? John 4

 

I am appalled that this discussion has begun to center around my situation.
For the record, I am not reaching out to anyone to validate my decision. It needs no validating.
I have been on my knees before God and have asked forgiveness and he has overwhelming granted it. Certainly that should be good enough for any who may question my decision.

I have not remarried after 14 years (not that I would have any qualms about doing so if I met the person God may have for me when the time is right).

I would not call 22 years "bailing out too quickly." There weren't many good times during that 22 years but I had no other place to go to get away from him. I am not and never was in a state of "lethargy" about my condition. It was a very real situation of life or death. If it had been mine, then my 19 year old son would have been in jail for the rest of his life because he would have killed his father. Too many people stay in the situation when it gets this bad and they end up in the morgue. I wasn't running away. God just helped me find my courage.

It has been said that I didn't give God time to work on this man and this marriage. God saved his life when he had a heart attack, bypass surgery, a stroke and diabetis. You would think somewhere in there he would have changed but he didn't. He just cursed God all the more for all of it and kept on drinking and abusing his family. He lived at the beer joints and in his truck drinking all the time. He called me vile names while praising the women who frequented the joints. He raged at me when I wouldn't join him in his drinking binges accusing me of thinking I was too good to drink with him. How could any person withstand such violence. The alcohol became his god and he didn't want any other.

Romans 1 - 28/29 says: And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;

Add alcoholism to mental illness and see what you get. Confusion. Satan is the author of confusion and, when a person lets Satan rule his life and will not turn to God, God will not force him.

God did not say to lay down one's life for nothing. For me to have stayed in this situation would have been extremely foolish. I gave it all I had and, when I walked out that door, I was ready to die because I really thought he would not let me go. The only reason he let me go was because he believed I would be back the next day. He didn't believe I could live without him after so many years of being battered and beaten down.
And I couldn't have made it without God's help. He had saved me in the midst of all this and I just put my trust in him that my life was important to him and I needed to find the courage to change the situation. And I did.

I don't feel any remorse for the way things turned out. I couldn't save the man even if I had stayed. He was on a slippery slope that his addiction and his paranoia would not let him off.
He would not take any advise from anyone; not family, friends (what few he had left), nor preachers.

I would ask anyone (you preachers included) to live in a situation like this for 22 years and see if you aren't begging God to free you from a living hell on earth.
Don't judge until you've lived it.

I also don't like anyone analyzing my motives or my intentions. I didn't post any of this for any of you to give me any "you should haves" or "what
if's". I hate the way some of you pick posts apart that you don't agree with and analye them as if they were essays writing by some lovesick college kid who just broke up with her boyfriend.
Many of us have lived a lifetime in situations that many here will never be able to understand.
I've often wondered why a lot of people think they are qualified to give anyone advice on things like this when they've never lived it or been close to it.

Some of you would be emotional too if you has lived through what some of us have. Since you haven't, your posts come across and cold, cruel and heartless. God has forgiven us but you just can't.

I've been in church since I was a week old (and that was closed to 60 years ago). I have sat at my grandmother's feet and listened to her read the Bible to us. I know the verses. I also know that overly strict parents who often verbally abused their children could cause some to have low self esteem that brought about wrong decisions. Having a father who never wanted any of his daughters to marry and a mother who ruled the house with an iron fist causes all the children to want to run away as fast as they can and as soon as they can. Sometimes those decisions made in haste can cause a lifetime of misery.

Thank God I am not bitter. I was for a few years after, but God and brand new friends have changed all of that. Thank God he brought me to a church where I am loved, respected and wanted. I am a survivor and our God is a great and wonderful God.

 

I was one of those who was much like your son growing up. My dad was very abusive. We kept it quiet. But a few knew though and said nothing. All my brothers and sisters actually talked about having him put in jail. Looking back I wished we had. To this day he has not gotten help. He has remarried twice after he divorced my mom. My mom is gotten much better psychologically and physically since leaving him. The lady he is married to now would give him the fry pan if he did what he did to my mom. She has made him grow up some and face some of his problems. Those who have not faced the end of a fist or barrel have no idea how to deal with something like that.

My Bible says to flee from the devil. Not entertain him or appease him. Some men are like demons. A man who will abuse his wife is not controlled by God's spirit but by Satan. I would not want to hang around to entertain Satan's destruction and anger. Let God take care of the judgemnt and apply His anger. Dangerous situations require immediate action f leaving. Dangerous people do not act in a rational manner and are very hard to deal with on a logical level. So often they only understand jail time and strong action. </font>[/QUOTE]I wholeheartedly agree!

 

I concur with you, Mommy-person, but would you consider that the Lord just might intervene into other's situations and save that "abusive" husband to His honour and glory if the wife had given ample time ?

I am not condemning anyone, just divorce. I am not arguing with anyone, just standing against divorce.

The problem ensues when one makes the vow of Holy matrimony that they fail to understand the ramifications if they "decide" THEY WANT OUT.

If my wife had divorced me, I probably wouldn't be saved, I would probably be real bitter, maybe suicide would have been the answer. She did the right thening, gave me over to God, and He had His way, He saved me!!

We have 4 wonderful children now, working in many others lives to repair the breach. helping others to understand why one will abuse the other, what to do about it, (turn the abuser over to The Authority!)

Many times people "hinder" the Holy One of Israel by divorcing and all it does is inspire further hatred and bitterness to prevail, Much to that very evidence right here in this discussion, just look at some of the responses!!

 

You are welcomed to PM me, if I am the "one" you seem to think you're "edifying".

If you are in a church that alienates divorced people, come join ours, we DON'T!!!

Matt 7:15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

Titus 1:10For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers, specially they of the circumcision:


Tts 1:11 Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for filthy lucre's sake.


Tts 1:12 One of themselves, [even] a prophet of their own, said, The Cretians [are] alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.


Tts 1:13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;


Tts 1:14 Not giving heed to Jewish fables, and commandments of men, that turn from the truth.


Tts 1:15 Unto the pure all things [are] pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving [is] nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.


Tts 1:16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny [him], being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.


Friend, if I were to lower myself to your "throne", I would ask you to re-read the last two verses above, with some maligned intent, but I cannot do so even halfheartedly, but may the Lord help you in your disgust.

I apologize to everyone in this discussion that has deduced the same on my behalf, but I do not use the Word of God as a weapon formed against my brethren, much to the evidences that many here attempt such abominable feats.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you people. How long do these women have to justify themselves to you?

I guess this is not a 'safe place' to share and pour their hearts out.

Some of you are more concerned with a possible 'wrong' years ago than you are with a Christian sister who is alive, serving the Lord, and walking among you today.

Where is the compassion of Jesus? Shame on you!