Men Marrying Late -- Or Not At All

If the statistics quoted by Dr. Mohler are accurate then I would have to agree that this is a serious problem. That being said the article creates more questions than answers to me as I read it.

Martin, you state that you are a single, never married, never to be married college educated man with a masters degree. You do not fit the profile Dr. Mohler is describing at all. He specifically mentions high school drop outs, unemployed, and black men. While these three demographics represent where this change is the most pronounced he also mentioned that marriage rates are dropping among employed men who lack college degrees. If you feel you are called to be single then I don’t think Dr. Mohler is singling you out (ok, bad pun). I would only caution you about that “never to be married” part. Sometimes God has surprises for us later in life, never say never.

I think Chris is more representative of the group Mohler is talking about, men who want to be married but are not. RandR mentions men who don’t want to be married and guesses them to be less than one percent of the population, but that 1% is not who Mohler is writing about. Mohler’s statistics for men 40 to 44 is 18% and for 35 to 39 it is 22%. Those both represent substantial increases.

Churches do a poor job of dealing with singles. I have taught this group in the past and I think most churches goal for the singles ministry is to eliminate it through marriage.. Most married couples try to marry off singles because they are married and they like being married so they think they are promoting the happiness of their friends, but Martin is a great example of someone we should not be trying to marry off.

What Mohler is writing about is the fact that many men who want to be married are not and this is most pronounced in the least desireable categories. What I mean by that is that those men who lack education or are unemployed are hit the worst. Sorry guys I am not picking on you but when a woman looks for a husband those guys with more education and earning potential are generally considered more desireable. The question is why are these men unable to marry? I see several possible reasons:

• Women don’t need men anymore like they did 50 years ago. They can get their own careers and live their own lives, they are not dependent on some man to take care of them, so fewer women marry. Mohler quotes the statistic of never married women in their early 40’s as increasing from 5% in 1980 to 12.5% in 2004. Because fewer of them marry those that do can be pickier as well.
• Lower morality. Like it or not for centuries men have gotten married so they could have sex with their wives. Now they don’t have to (get married that is). How many of those 40 year old singles are virgins? I am sure some are but not all. That of course leads us to:
• Higher standards. Just like most of those men have slept around so have the women. I know a man now in his mid 30s who is a virgin. He wants to be married very bad but will only date or consider marrying a virgin. Do you know how many 35 year old virgins there are? He is having trouble finding one to say the least.
• Lack of responsibility and commitment. Tied to the drop in morality and the feel good mentality of modern day is a lack of willingness to take on any responsibility. Getting married is a huge step of responsibility tying your life to someone else’s and vowing before God to care for them and take responsibility for them for the rest of your life. That scares a lot of people away from marriage.

Wow, this post is to long, thanks to anyone who actually read it.

 

This is a particularly interesting point to talk about. The main thing in the research was that these guys who don't have degrees or whatever aren't getting married like those with...and I agree that is true. (Whether or not it is a problem is another issue, I'd just say it's society get over it...as nicely as possible of course.) Our society has moved to a post-high school life development where college has become the established norm for young people. Nobody cares that you got a degree in advanced underwater basket weaving from Crazy Go Nuts University, just that you have a degree. Lot's of guys who don't have a degree can't get the "legitimitzation" for a degree brings, thus few women want to deal with that. There is an idea of security that a college degree brings.

We have, an estimate, about 10 to 15 guys who meet this criteria in our singles ministry. They've never really gotten a college degree and, likewise, have never really gotten established in life. Not knocking them, just saying that is where they are...they're great contributors to our ministry and I value each one.

It was a good post.

 

The average age of first time marriage has risen to 28 & 29.

Having listened to Mohler a time or two, I agree that God intended men and women to marry.

But, when a godly man wants to marry a godly woman, and the women do not want to get married until they hit the panic button of "oh if I don't get married within 6 months I won't be able to have kids" - what is a man to do? "Grab a woman off of the dance floor" and pray that she is not a psycho, or marry a secular woman that will date you over enough time that you can find out if she is normal first?

Either method is not right.

 

Martin

IMHO, brother if you really believe that being single is just more cramping to your lifestyle then have a wife would be - then you should remain single.

Having a wife that you have to take care of, is a much greater responsibility than most men are ready for, IMHO. But, marriage is a godly honor as well as a great burden. IMHO.

 

Is the word really "need" or "want"? Is this part of the solution or part of the problem? What is happening to the family institution?

Lower morality, does this sound familiar? How about before the flood or before God destroyed Sodom? So is this lower morality a good thing? What is the Church's obligation during these times of changing morality?

 

Thanks preachinjesus, I like what you said about the 10 to 15 guys in your singles ministry

These may be fine Christians, but do you think they are making the same contribution to the cause of Christ that they would if they were more “established.” I think we need to remember that this modern teenager or youth phase to life has only really existed for the last 100 years or so. Before that men would start apprenticeships and careers at 12 or 13 years old. Girls would marry at the same age. The idea of taking 10 or 20 years of your life to bum around without goals so you can find yourself is relatively new. Of course we have longer lives now also.

LeBuick, I certainly did not mean to imply that lowering standards of morality is a good thing. The Church’s obligation is that same as it has always been to preach purity. But because of the lowering morality of the world we also need to be prepared for those Christians who have seduced by the temptations of the world. Jesus was able to accept harlots among his followers. We should be able to accept sinners into the house of God today. I am not saying excuse the sin and Jesus did not do that. But he was prepared to receive the sinner and we should be also.

 

You didn't imply that at all tentmaker, I was just adding to the debate and you raised some very intreging discussion. I completely agree, the Church should be the place where sinners can go and feel welcome. Jesus made that more than perfectly clear.

To add, I also agree with you Martin. The Church should be the place where a person can go and no they are welcome. The fact that the Church thinks the worst in folks before they even know them is a huge problem. I just don't know how we turn the Church into one with out spot or wrinkle and be that light on the hill to say to a dieing world Jesus loves us but wants us to live with Godly values.

 

That idea parallels Mormonism to a degree. It is one way to get more Southern Baptists children.

 

I'm confused. I've been married for about a year and a half now.

 

I am too, not sure what I was thinking </scratches head>

 

I've just read through this thread...and i've found the responses interesting. From what I have heard some hardcore and upfront SBC people say lately - I do think that the current view of marriage is emphasized because they want the denomination to grow....they want "full quiver" Baptist (never mind that the advocate has none). But that is just the impression I have gotten.

I am 27 and have been single all my life....and many churches I have been in had no idea what to do with me. I did not fit their "pattern". I have had people who barely said "hi" to me on sundays try to set me up with someone i did not know - and even they had only heard about! It was even suggested that the only reason I went to seminary was because i failed to get "hitched" in undergrad. Ugh!

Let me make my point clear - Marriage can be the wrong choice & singleness can be the wrong choice. But today we are not giving people a reason to marry. Most youth and college students in churches only want to get married so they can have "sanctified sex". Marriage needs to be modeled as more than it typically is. Most married couples I've seen in churches are not that different from married couples outside the church - and that ought not be so. (I have met some great Christian couples who were totally sold out to Christ not each other - and it was an honor to know them.)

Aside from that I think it's high time we hear pastors preach on 1 Corinthians 7. I have numerous stories about the responses from Christians when they find out that I am single and have always been single and, at this point, don't plan on changing it - - some treat me like I've sinned against the Holy Spirit. Honestly - the worst pressure for single people - whether or not they are single by choice - is the people sitting in the pews with them. Single people in the church need to be encouraged first and foremost in their relationship with Christ instead of only being concerned that they don't "fit in" because they don't have a spouse.

Neither marriage or singleness is a higher calling. But as one of my profs said a few years back - "the reason most people marry is that God knows that most of us can't hack it as singles." :tongue3: Being single is hard enough with all the pressure from the non-Believers - - why must the Believers make it even worse?

 

Greek Geek

I mut have missed something in my studies. Would you set me straight and show me the Scripture that says marriage is a calling.

In Him,

Wayne

 

I think he said it wasn't.

 

My husband is 12 years older than me and waited for me to grow up so we could get married. NO, he didn't really wait for ME. He didn't know me, but he waited for the person God had for him to marry and that was me (ok, and I did have to grow up).

I'm so very grateful that my husband heeded God's will and waited until he was a bit older -- 34. (and that he waited for me :love2: )

 

El_Guero - you missed something in your reading - I did not say marriage was a calling. I was stating what it is not and what singleness is not. I have been told many times that "marriage is a noble calling" or a "higher calling" and that is just flat wrong - but married christians throw it in the face of single christians all the time. In fairness I have also heard single people claim that singlness is a higher calling. Both have their place and both have pluses and minuses. (Definately an area where 1 cor 7 should be considered.)

 

Well, then, congrats on being still married.

 

You set yourself up pretty good here but I won't bite

 

Greek

Sorry about that. I really thought you were implying that marriage and singleness were callings.

I hear so many people call marriage a calling that I guess I thought that was what you were referring to.