Mother-in-law situation

[Salty]

I am dealing with a situation. This individual "Jim" has a mother-in-law that does not like him - to put it very lightly.
His wife "Susan" has said that her mother has never liked any of her previous boyfriends.

He told me a breaking point was last Christmas when his wife skyped her mother. During this hour long conversation they each opened their gifts one at a time and talked about them.

M-I-L did not want Jim involved.

BTW Before his mom died, she got along very well with Susan.

Is Susan caught in the middle ?

Should Susan tell her mom - either Jim is included (even if no gifts are sent to him) or we don't skype on Christmas Day.


Other thoughts .

 

[annsni]

We would counsel them that they are one flesh and have left father and mother. If mom can't accept son-in-law then contact with her is limited until such time as she can see them as a couple and respect him. No way would I put up with that!

 

[Salty]

We would counsel them that they are one flesh and have left father and mother. If mom can't accept son-in-law then contact with her is limited until such time as she can see them as a couple and respect him. No way would I put up with that!

That has been mentioned, but the wife quotes the verse "Children, obey your parents"

 

[InTheLight]

That has been mentioned, but the wife quotes the verse "Children, obey your parents"

Just a couple of verses later we read:

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Notice, "Bring them up" and "train them". So in context, this section of scripture is referring to children as being non-adults.

 

[annsni]

The Bible says we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. How does that work if we are still under their authority? She is no longer a child. The Bible also says that wives are to obey their husbands so what do we do?

 

[Revmitchell]

That has been mentioned, but the wife quotes the verse "Children, obey your parents"

That portion of scripture no longer applies once you marry. The reason this is true is because other scripture makes clear what is to happen here:


Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.


The leaving of the mother and father indicates they are no longer under the parents authority. Therefore, it is unscriptural to hold the parents over the spouse. To do so is to disobey scripture and in fact goes against Ephesians 5:22-31 which makes clear that the marriage relationship is a symbolic picture of the relationship between the church and Christ. Mom needs to stand down and stop interfering with the God ordained marriage relationship.

 

[just-want-peace]

I strongly suspect that many here are like me, in that it is sometimes very hard to SHUT UP, and stay out of your adult kid's affairs. Caveat: you are asked your opinion and/or you see a very dangerous situation that they are unaware of.

That being said, I have occasionally spouted off when I should have kept quiet, but for the most part I DO stay out of their affairs UNLESS asked for input.

Awful hard to see them make the same mistakes you did, but for some that is the only way to learn.

Not knowing the third & fourth (??) sides of this situation, I would think that the daughter should tell Mama, in essence, that:
"--this is my husband and either you can accept him as a part off this wider family, or you will have no part in our married lives. That means that while I still will visit & love you, you will not be included in such family gatherings as Christmas, birthdays, vacations, etc., etc. the choice is yours!"

A simplified response to a complicated problem?!?!?!

 

[Salty]

Appreciate all your comments - of course you are preaching to the choir - now lets see if I can convince "Susan"

 

[Gina B]

So Jim wants to force someone who doesn't like him to either include him, or not talk to his wife, who is their own daughter?

Would it really be the end of the world if he settled in some way? Does he really WANT to be included with someone who dislikes him so much, or is he going for punishing her for not liking him by making the daughter choose?

Why not just give his wife a choice? It isn't going to kill him to have them talk to each other for an hour alone a few times a year, is it?

I'd highly recommend he get to what is really bothering him and what he hopes to accomplish. My first guess would be that he feels insecure about his wife's feelings towards him. He isn't going to gain a lasting feeling of security and faith in her by force or anything close to it, because there will be some resentment in there and feeling of loss that she'll think he caused if she feels pushed into breaking that relationship with her mother because of him.

And that just wouldn't be good at all.

 

[Salty]

So Jim wants to force someone who doesn't like him to either include him, or not talk to his wife, who is their own daughter?

Would it really be the end of the world if he settled in some way? Does he really WANT to be included with someone who dislikes him so much, or is he going for punishing her for not liking him by making the daughter choose?

Why not just give his wife a choice? It isn't going to kill him to have them talk to each other for an hour alone a few times a year, is it?

I'd highly recommend he get to what is really bothering him and what he hopes to accomplish. My first guess would be that he feels insecure about his wife's feelings towards him. He isn't going to gain a lasting feeling of security and faith in her by force or anything close to it, because there will be some resentment in there and feeling of loss that she'll think he caused if she feels pushed into breaking that relationship with her mother because of him.

And that just wouldn't be good at all.

interestsing point - let me get back to you on this

 

[padredurand]

We would counsel them that they are one flesh and have left father and mother. If mom can't accept son-in-law then contact with her is limited until such time as she can see them as a couple and respect him. No way would I put up with that!

What she said. :thumbsup: