My Pregnant Sister and CPS

[NoQuieroUnQueso]

Good afternoon, my dear ones. The past week has been very stressful, and I would like some legitimate advice. My sister is currently 19, and a year ago she ran away after she decided that she didn't want to follow my Dad's rules. Keep in mind, my Dad spent his whole life taking care of our mother on her deathbed and raising us to the best of his abilities. He's been through a very hard time to say the least. She has a confirmed mental disability that puts her at the maturity level of a 14-year-old, can't really take care of herself, and right now she lives with my aunt who has done nothing but trash-talked my parents' marriage and encouraged my sister to live a sinful lifestyle.

Keep in mind, I love my little sister with all of my heart. I want nothing more than for her to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty. If she ever needs help, I'm there for her and she knows this. I'm just about to graduate college, but even now I'd do what I can to help her. And it looks like next year I may just have to.

Because ladies and gents, my sister recently told my dad that she's pregnant.

My niece or nephew won't be here until next year, but I'm already concerned about his/her wellbeing. If my aunt's word is anything to go by (I can't trust her as far as I can throw her these days) my sister doesn't clean up after herself. Doesn't pick up her clothes, doesn't help do chores, and currently is having troubles even staying in school (she's left school almost 30 different times). It's possible her abilities are limited, but I'm worried as to what this will mean for the kid. My aunt lives in a 2 bedroom house with her 2 boys and my sister. It's a tiny, cluttered house. My sister cannot put forth effort to get a job, and recently the father of the child lost his job. I'm worried about the baby. What kind of life are they being born into?

So, what I'm wondering is, what are the chances the state are going to get involved? My sister is still in school, and currently she has no will to square up and act like an adult. From what I've heard, I suspect she intentionally did this, but I don't think she realizes what it is she's gotten herself into. If the Lord wills it, I will help out this poor child in any way I can, but I don't know how soon CPS would intervene and what would happen if they deemed my sister an unfit mother. What are the procedures in place for this sort of thing? We're in the state in Indiana, if that helps. Thank you in advance for your time today, and God Bless!

 

[Benjamin]

Tough situation. Something to consider, if your sister perceives you as a threat, someone judging her and taking notes, looking to report her to CPS, she will likely cut you out of her life. From what you're saying about the way you feel, you're already talking about CPS and the child isn't even born yet, I suspect that will end up being the case. If that happens you will not have any opportunities to help her or have a relationship with the child and help him/her. You can't control her, so the question is, how bad do want to be part of their life and have some ability to do what good that you can?

You will probably have to have a relation where you put grace above your judgment of her lifestyle. She will probably dump on you and use you but if she learns that she can count on your grace you will be an important part of her life and she and the child will be better off because of that.

 

[NoQuieroUnQueso]

You misunderstand me completely. I don't intend to be the one to call CPS. I love my sister endlessly, and I've told her that I'm here for her through this no matter what. But with the school knowing the situation, and my sister's track record, I'm just wondering how long it will take for the state to get involved. I'm not judging her by acknowledging that she struggles with basic tasks, in fact it's because I love her that I need to be honest about the situation.

I'm also not judging her by acknowledging that what she's done is a sin, nor am I saying that I haven't been gentle through this. I will always love them, but I can't say what she's done is right either. She and the baby will need help, and I'll try to be there. Honestly I'm more frustrated at my aunt for encouraging this kind of lifestyle. The worldly "I'll do whatever I want" attitude doesn't work, especially in the eyes of the Lord.

Please don't be quick in your judgements by saying that I'm judging. This isn't about how I feel, it's about the baby and what's most likely to happen to it.

 

[37818]

@NoQuieroUnQueso,
Be that baby's loving Uncle.

 

[NoQuieroUnQueso]

@NoQuieroUnQueso,
Be that baby's loving Uncle.

Auntie, but of course I will.

 

[NoQuieroUnQueso]

I guess I'm just worried about what will happen if the state decides that my sister can't care for a child. I don't want to never see my neice or nephew again. What's CPS's protocol for that sort of thing? Do they try to keep the baby within the family?

 

[Squire Robertsson]

Not knowing the state your in, from what I've heard yes.

What's CPS's protocol for that sort of thing? Do they try to keep the baby within the family?

 

[Benjamin]

You misunderstand me completely.

There is much I don't know about the situation but in general I wanted to get the idea across about how she might perceive your involvement, where that would likely lead and suggest an approach that might be more effective, for your consideration.

I don't intend to be the one to call CPS. I love my sister endlessly, and I've told her that I'm here for her through this no matter what. But with the school knowing the situation, and my sister's track record, I'm just wondering how long it will take for the state to get involved.

Again, I don't know the state of her mental disability, if she is going to a special school or what. I do read that she is 19, able to legally make the decision to leave her home, apparently not so challenged to be legal to find and be intimate with a boyfriend or I would think he would be in big trouble unless he were also challenged. A 14 year old mentality could mean a lot of things but as for her judgments much of that would be based on her values at that level rather than just being a bit behind in maturity, you seem to confirm this with saying that you would like her "to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty." which seems to imply her capability to do so.

That said, if the school has any authority in the situation and your sister has been taken advantage of or even abused by the "boyfriend" they could and should report it but if its a regular high school trying to stick their noses in the life of a legal "adult" I would limit their involvement and keep them out of family decisions. For instance, how would they even know her living environment if someone wasn't feeding them information?

I'm not judging her by acknowledging that she struggles with basic tasks, in fact it's because I love her that I need to be honest about the situation.

Okay, but for example, I'm looking at that it seems you have written off the father of the child because he recently lost his job, so I wonder if this (judgment) can be compared to you "acknowledging" that he struggles with basic job keeping?

Quick story: You could say I had some learning disabilities, grew up without a dad, had a severe speech impediment until I was 11, I was a high school drop out, read at about a 5th grade level, I moved out at 17, lived in my car till I saved for an apartment, everyone said I would never amount to anything, I went from job to job, from girlfriend to girlfriend, partying, fighting, etc. - I struggled with everything in life in general, learned everything the hard way...but I had one person who always said she believed in me and I knew when I was hungry she would feed me no matter what. She helped me find maintenance jobs to keep me afloat, wouldn't give me money but always gave me food and made sure I could eat. One day she asked me what I wanted to do in life and what I needed to accomplish that and I told her "if only I had a table saw" and she challenged me by buying me a little Craftsman table saw, said it was for my birthday, and I built a successful cabinetmaking business starting with that little saw. I bought land, built a big shop, built my own 5,400 sf home all by myself - to the amazement of everyone. Found God at 35 years old, somehow raised 2 beautiful responsible Christian children, still can't hardly believe they came from me! I'm a college graduate, respected and the Patriarch of our extended family, I usually have over 30 family members come for Thanksgiving.

I don't think any of this would have happened it wasn't for that one person, my Grandma, one of 5 children who's father was a Baptist minister - that ran off with the secretary and left his family destitute and ironing clothes for a living, but she understood grace and hardship and showed me more grace than anyone I know, she overlooked all my faults and never doubted my ability and that was the drive that lead me to make her proud of me. So the message here that I hoped to get across to you is the power of love that gives support no matter what, believes in someone, asks for nothing in return, never pointed out my failures or struggles to anyone and only showed her love through her grace toward me.

I'm also not judging her by acknowledging that what she's done is a sin, nor am I saying that I haven't been gentle through this. I will always love them, but I can't say what she's done is right either. She and the baby will need help, and I'll try to be there.

I have the feeling you will be there.

Honestly I'm more frustrated at my aunt for encouraging this kind of lifestyle. The worldly "I'll do whatever I want" attitude doesn't work, especially in the eyes of the Lord.

Something you can not control except by setting an example and continuing to show your love and support.

Please don't be quick in your judgements by saying that I'm judging.

No, I'm just giving you a consideration according to what I'm hearing that your control of the situation might never be what you'd like but that there is hope of change in the power of grace.

I don’t know the whole situation and you may have very legitimate concerns about the well-being of the baby and I’m not trying to come down on you but it is also apparent that it is about the way you feel and it is about your standards for your sister’s life. I’m agreeing with you that it sounds as if the baby could use your help and I think you should stop right there and start thinking about how you can best “help”.

This isn't about how I feel, it's about the baby and what's most likely to happen to it.

Personally, I always try to refrain from saying things I don't want to happen are likely to happen. That is because this memory verse is written on my heart:

(Mar 11:23) For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

I find a lot more peace in saying and maintaining faith in positive things. I hate saying something negative will happen and then it does.

I guess I'm just worried about what will happen if the state decides that my sister can't care for a child. I don't want to never see my neice or nephew again. What's CPS's protocol for that sort of thing? Do they try to keep the baby within the family?

I actually just had CPS out to my house last week concerning my great nephew. They said they do their best to keep children within their families and would like to have me for a backup should an emergency happen as they wanted to avoid having him put in foster care if there was a family member that handle the situation. They needed to see that I he had a safe place to sleep, a bed, that he would be fed, no drugs or weapons improperly stored was about it. Also in this case, that I was willing and able to responsibly protect him from an 8 time felon his mother is hanging with should need be. Other than that they made me a legal guardian whenever he is in my presence.

You have my prayer...

 

[agedman]

Good afternoon, my dear ones. The past week has been very stressful, and I would like some legitimate advice. My sister is currently 19, and a year ago she ran away after she decided that she didn't want to follow my Dad's rules. Keep in mind, my Dad spent his whole life taking care of our mother on her deathbed and raising us to the best of his abilities. He's been through a very hard time to say the least. She has a confirmed mental disability that puts her at the maturity level of a 14-year-old, can't really take care of herself, and right now she lives with my aunt who has done nothing but trash-talked my parents' marriage and encouraged my sister to live a sinful lifestyle.

Keep in mind, I love my little sister with all of my heart. I want nothing more than for her to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty. If she ever needs help, I'm there for her and she knows this. I'm just about to graduate college, but even now I'd do what I can to help her. And it looks like next year I may just have to.

Because ladies and gents, my sister recently told my dad that she's pregnant.

My niece or nephew won't be here until next year, but I'm already concerned about his/her wellbeing. If my aunt's word is anything to go by (I can't trust her as far as I can throw her these days) my sister doesn't clean up after herself. Doesn't pick up her clothes, doesn't help do chores, and currently is having troubles even staying in school (she's left school almost 30 different times). It's possible her abilities are limited, but I'm worried as to what this will mean for the kid. My aunt lives in a 2 bedroom house with her 2 boys and my sister. It's a tiny, cluttered house. My sister cannot put forth effort to get a job, and recently the father of the child lost his job. I'm worried about the baby. What kind of life are they being born into?

So, what I'm wondering is, what are the chances the state are going to get involved? My sister is still in school, and currently she has no will to square up and act like an adult. From what I've heard, I suspect she intentionally did this, but I don't think she realizes what it is she's gotten herself into. If the Lord wills it, I will help out this poor child in any way I can, but I don't know how soon CPS would intervene and what would happen if they deemed my sister an unfit mother. What are the procedures in place for this sort of thing? We're in the state in Indiana, if that helps. Thank you in advance for your time today, and God Bless!

This is very important.

The person who got your sister pregnant is a child molester.

That is a reportable offense and needs to be dealt with.

It can be done anonymously.

I would visit a local police station for a sit down with an authority.

Your aunt may just as likely be charged as an accessory.

But, do not think being silent is best.

The aunt (based on your post) is culpable.

The child may stay in the family with oversight and protection.

 

[Benjamin]

This is very important.

The person who got your sister pregnant is a child molester.

I also addressed this, albeit rationally and using in depth reasoning being we don't know the state of this "mental disorder" or have enough information to draw such a conclusion that this is child abuse as a fact. This is why I inquired about the type of school she was in, and compared this sibling's claim of her sister having a "confirmed mental disability that puts her at the maturity level of a 14-year-old" to some of the other claims she's made (hyperbole?) and some of the other information she's given:

Again, I don't know the state of her mental disability, if she is going to a special school or what. I do read that she is 19, able to legally make the decision to leave her home, apparently not so challenged to be legal to find and be intimate with a boyfriend or I would think he would be in big trouble unless he were also challenged. A 14 year old mentality could mean a lot of things but as for her judgments much of that would be based on her values at that level rather than just being a bit behind in maturity, you seem to confirm this with saying that you would like her "to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty." which seems to imply her capability to do so.

In fact, we can note uncertainty of such a condition as we are also told, "It's possible her abilities are limited,..." in reference to the younger sister not doing her chores or staying in school and a couple other instances that relate to expectations that "she has no will to square up and act like an adult" and needs "to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty.".

I understand NoQuieroUnQueso is upset and I don't blame her. She is young and has had a rough life with her Dad taking care of her terminally ill mother and watching her sister act out while she, NoQuieroUnQueso, sounds to have her act together through it all while graduating college and being guided by the Word and Holy Spirit in her life. How could it not rip at her heart to watch her younger sister struggle and fail at life's choices which are so different than her own. I would expect her to make some harsh accusations in despair and have tried not to make that the focus but rather present other ways of looking at looking at things in hopes that might help find hope and find some peace.

Furthermore, to say, perhaps at the time, a 17-18 year old has been diagnosed with the maturity level of a 14 year old is far from sounding as a severe mental disability that one would automatically conclude that this is a case child abuse should they at 19 become sexually active. I've worked with teens and young adults with developmental disorders as a PTA where it is said they have the maturity level of a 4 year old or a 6-7 year old but I haven't even heard of such thing as a just a few years behind in maturity of a 19 year old ever being referred to something that would amount to the conclusion you draw here.

NoQuieroUnQueso sounds mature enough to responsibly handle the situation without the school taking taking over and this is why rather than jumping to conclusions about abuse I merely said if it was it should be reported and advised her as per her concerns about the school's actions how to deal with the school otherwise:

That said, if the school has any authority in the situation and your sister has been taken advantage of or even abused by the "boyfriend" they could and should report it but if its a regular high school trying to stick their noses in the life of a legal "adult" I would limit their involvement and keep them out of family decisions.

Finally, if NoQuieroUnQueso were to go on the attack against her sister and the boyfriend and her aunt on weak grounds and lose therein is where she would likely be cut off from a relation with her sister and the child which is exactly what I warned her to guard against happening and offered an alternative approach. Agedman seems to have contradicted my advice and/or failed to realize possible abuse has been addressed, so again I'd ask NoQuieroUnQueso to consider such actions as to start on an agenda of reporting on her sister to "authorities" carefully.

 

[Shoostie]

The state will give her a very nice income for having a baby (out of wedlock) and she'll be proven right that she didn't have to worry about school or getting a job. When her children leave home, she'll file for disability (mental issues) and the state will continue to take care of her. She doesn't need to develop herself, and so she won't. She doesn't need to be a good parent, and so she won't. Welcome to lower class in America, riding America's back, pulling down America while believing themselves to be oppressed.

 

[Benjamin]

She doesn't need to develop herself, and so she won't.

You know no such thing! You are talking about someone's sister here!

She doesn't need to be a good parent, and so she won't.

I'd love to see you explain the Basic Critical Thinking Skill that helped you draw such a conclusion?

Welcome to lower class in America, riding America's back, pulling down America while believing themselves to be oppressed.

Why do you insult NoQuieroUnQueso's family as low class? That is a personal attack, plain and simple. She came looking for advice she didn't come onto this Christian board to be attacked!! Where is your class?

 

[agedman]

I also addressed this, albeit rationally and using in depth reasoning being we don't know the state of this "mental disorder" or have enough information to draw such a conclusion that this is child abuse as a fact. This is why I inquired about the type of school she was in, and compared this sibling's claim of her sister having a "confirmed mental disability that puts her at the maturity level of a 14-year-old" to some of the other claims she's made (hyperbole?) and some of the other information she's given:



In fact, we can note uncertainty of such a condition as we are also told, "It's possible her abilities are limited,..." in reference to the younger sister not doing her chores or staying in school and a couple other instances that relate to expectations that "she has no will to square up and act like an adult" and needs "to wise up and get right with the Lord Almighty.".

I understand NoQuieroUnQueso is upset and I don't blame her. She is young and has had a rough life with her Dad taking care of her terminally ill mother and watching her sister act out while she, NoQuieroUnQueso, sounds to have her act together through it all while graduating college and being guided by the Word and Holy Spirit in her life. How could it not rip at her heart to watch her younger sister struggle and fail at life's choices which are so different than her own. I would expect her to make some harsh accusations in despair and have tried not to make that the focus but rather present other ways of looking at looking at things in hopes that might help find hope and find some peace.

Furthermore, to say, perhaps at the time, a 17-18 year old has been diagnosed with the maturity level of a 14 year old is far from sounding as a severe mental disability that one would automatically conclude that this is a case child abuse should they at 19 become sexually active. I've worked with teens and young adults with developmental disorders as a PTA where it is said they have the maturity level of a 4 year old or a 6-7 year old but I haven't even heard of such thing as a just a few years behind in maturity of a 19 year old ever being referred to something that would amount to the conclusion you draw here.

NoQuieroUnQueso sounds mature enough to responsibly handle the situation without the school taking taking over and this is why rather than jumping to conclusions about abuse I merely said if it was it should be reported and advised her as per her concerns about the school's actions how to deal with the school otherwise:


Finally, if NoQuieroUnQueso were to go on the attack against her sister and the boyfriend and her aunt on weak grounds and lose therein is where she would likely be cut off from a relation with her sister and the child which is exactly what I warned her to guard against happening and offered an alternative approach. Agedman seems to have contradicted my advice and/or failed to realize possible abuse has been addressed, so again I'd ask NoQuieroUnQueso to consider such actions as to start on an agenda of reporting on her sister to "authorities" carefully.

Ben,

The poster stated she was diagnosed as 14.

That is medical opinion that stands no matter the chronically calculated birth year.

Courts rarely in this mater concern other than what the medical community considers.

The authority needs consulted.

It matters little about sibling relationships, because at this point two children’s life and living are impacted.

 

[Shoostie]

You know no such thing! You are talking about someone's sister here!

So I'm suppose to lie? I prefer to be part of the solution rather than another dishonest enabler. Solutions require being honest about the situation.

I'd love to see you explain the Basic Critical Thinking Skill that helped you draw such a conclusion?

No, you wouldn't You'd only love to judge me.

Why do you insult NoQuieroUnQueso's family as low class? That is a personal attack, plain and simple.

Get off your high horse. I spoke in general terms and the term "low class" isn't an insult, except to those who wish to judge people for their class. It's sad when a Christian attempts to signal to others his own virtue by judging Christians who have done nothing wrong.

 

[Benjamin]

Ben,

The poster stated she was diagnosed as 14.

That is medical opinion that stands no matter the chronically calculated birth year.

I would have to have more information about such a "diagnosis". I've never heard of a lower maturity level of 14 years old being used to take away the rights of a chronically legal aged adult. I think it more likely a statement of immaturity, possibly made by a psychologist, than a defining disability that would make someone a award of the state. Imagine how many in the population would qualify for such a maturity level? Heck, look at Shoostie above.

 

[agedman]

I would have to have more information about such a "diagnosis". I've never heard of a lower maturity level of 14 years old being used to take away the rights of a chronically legal aged adult. I think it more likely a statement of immaturity, possibly made by a psychologist, than a defining disability that would make someone a award of the state. Imagine how many in the population would qualify for such a maturity level? Heck, look at Shoostie above.

Would you deny the due process needed in which only the proper authorities have the resources?

This isn’t easy for anyone, certainly not for family members who at best are dysfunctional and have no resources?

And what of the man who took advantage?

Do you subscribe to the view that “boys will be boys” and girls that are bad deserve the consequences?

This is a mess, and those who have been through such as part of their job need consulted.

 

[Marooncat79]

If you are wanting custody, talk to her and explain you want to help her by making sure that the baby is taken care of

I adopted in Indiana. It was messy at first but ok very quickly

 

[Benjamin]

And what of the man who took advantage?

Again, thing is, you can't draw this conclusion as a factual truth. The Op has not even made such a suggestion. In fact, I brought the possibility up for the very reason that it could be an issue, but again, along with analyzing what was said while acknowledging why it probably didn't apply because of other things that were said about her abilities and freedoms such as to move out at 18, etc. The Op refers to the "man" as her sister's boyfriend and has expressed concern about him being responsible since he recently lost his job. That is not how one responds about someone they would consider an abuser.

Your other questions appear to basically be strawmen geared to be condescending and I' think it best to refrain from going down that road with you which would merely distract from the Op's topic.

 

[agedman]

Again, thing is, you can't draw this conclusion as a factual truth. The Op has not even made such a suggestion. In fact, I brought the possibility up for the very reason that it could be an issue, but again, along with analyzing what was said while acknowledging why it probably didn't apply because of other things that were said about her abilities and freedoms such as to move out at 18, etc. The Op refers to the "man" as her sister's boyfriend and has expressed concern about him being responsible since he recently lost his job. That is not how one responds about someone they would consider an abuser.

Your other questions appear to basically be strawmen geared to be condescending and I' think it best to refrain from going down that road with you which would merely distract from the Op's topic.

Matters little who the man was.

That is a matter for the authorities to determine.

The fact is, a diagnosed mentally fourteen year old has no capacity to deal with the issues.

The fact is, neither do any family members.

The only ones who are capable are the very ones you would exclude.

 

[Benjamin]

That is a matter for the authorities to determine.

The bases of your argument is fallacious question begging that the 19 year old has been "diagnosed" with a mentality of a child. One more time, you do NOT know this as a fact!

The fact is, a diagnosed mentally fourteen year old has no capacity to deal with the issues.

Once again, the OP has not called this question begging "diagnosis" of yours as such AND I've addressed multiple reasoning in consideration of her statement of the meaning of, "a confirmed mental disability that puts her at the maturity level of a 14-year-old" and while taking into consideration the Op's declaration of the 19 year old sister's abilities WHY it probably doesn't apply that her sister has been legally mandated as a child.

Furthermore, again, I have never heard of such a "diagnosis" having such a result as you suggest!

Furthermore, to say, perhaps at the time, a 17-18 year old has been diagnosed with the maturity level of a 14 year old is far from sounding as a severe mental disability that one would automatically conclude that this is a case child abuse should they at 19 become sexually active. I've worked with teens and young adults with developmental disorders as a PTA where it is said they have the maturity level of a 4 year old or a 6-7 year old but I haven't even heard of such thing as a just a few years behind in maturity of a 19 year old ever being referred to something that would amount to the conclusion you draw here.

Agedman, show me one case where someone of legal age has been declared a child and their adult rights taken away because of a "diagnosis" (your words not the Op's) of having the mentality of a 14 year old. You haven't a clue what you're talking about, if it were the maturity of a younger age, then maybe. But even then people have rights!

My Grandmother got married at 15!

The fact is, neither do any family members.

It seems you're saying that you'd give the State authoritative rights over and above the family. As per this situation, in which we know very little of the details and apparently you can't reason beyond your question begging conclusion, just leave it in hands of the State, they know what's best for your family, eh? Let them use your imaginary 14 year old maturity level diagnosis on a 19 year old to to rule her as a child and control her life. Communism much...

Yeah, you go right on ahead and advise the Op to go straight to the authorities which I cautioned her about the possible results, consequences thereof taking into consideration her desire to be a part of their life while I carefully brought up and addressed the mentality and possible abuse issue. Ignore all the reasoning, thoughts and considerations I put into it just to contradict me and then declare YOUR "facts" that there is no other consideration than to assume the boyfriend was an abuser, the sister is legally an incompetent child and and tell the OP to start a war against the sister and her child by trying to involve the state by making accusations. Your priorities are messed up...

The only ones who are capable are the very ones you would exclude.

Not that I expected you to let your little condescending agenda against me go, but once again:

Your other questions appear to basically be strawmen geared to be condescending and I' think it best to refrain from going down that road with you which would merely distract from the Op's topic.