Need Youth Viewpoint...Please!!!

[Sing4Him]

I need your input! My daughter, who will be 14 in November, is struggling with peer pressure. Horribly. The dark makeup and clothing is now gone, and she's OK with that...she just wore it because everyone else did. No deeper meaning there, thank goodness. However, she is struggling with being influenced by how her friends act...language, attitude, etc. Last night she said she needed to change friends...so grown-up of her, I was surprised. She went forward two weeks ago, but now there is a question as to whether that was to get back in our good graces and reduce grounding (hubby sat down with her last week and said that just as Jesus forgave us he (hubby) forgave her for her actions...kept a little bit of grounding because she still needed to learn a lesson...really saw Christ in him that night!). She said that was a horrible thought, but we still told her that if she was serious about it that she needed to come to us and pray with us to again ask Jesus into her heart. I'm pretty sure that's going to happen before the pastor comes over Sunday to discuss baptism.

Anyway, any words of advice? What else can I say to her to let her know that it's OK to be herself instead of like everyone else? She is beautiful, gets good grades, and really is a good girl...was this a typical teenage struggle for any of you? I would so much like to hear from you about your struggles and how you dealt with them. I want to help her so much, but ultimately she's the one who can help herself...well, she and God.

I'm rambling. Any input would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Guitar25]

YEah. its sounds kinda farmiliar. I rmember a few years ago that i was teased extensivley. i would do anything to fit in the the "in crowd" and i desperatly wanted to make friends with those who didn't give a second thought about me. But im 16 now and i have learned that i need friends who accept me for me. yeah some of them still swear and curse and things like that, but there still my friends regardless. i just don't do the things they do. we hang out and do things we all like to do together. YOur daughter shouldn't give up the firends she has right now unless they are pressureing her. if there not pressuring her to do anthing she doesn't want or what should be against god, she should stay. It could come to a time where she gould witness to them and make them stop. Me, I be who i am and who i want to be. i dont let the influences of others change who i am. i dress the way i want and when someone insults me for it i just ignore the mockins and move on with my life. its like one of the songs i wrote says

"I don't need lots of friends on this earth.
I just need You Lord. All I have is Yours."

 

[blush]

I think it's a completely normal experience, especially for girls; I was exactly the same way. I think I finally came around when I was 16 or so. No outside intervention, it just took a while for me to get sick of what I was doing, grow up, and realize that wasn't what I wanted. For some people it might happen earlier, some later. My advice is, if she's doing well in school and everything else seems to be okay, then don't worry so much. Raising a teenager is like going whitewater rafting... the goal isn't to keep everyone dry, it is to keep everyone alive. Be there for her to support her, encourage her and especially her individuality, let her know that she is okay to be herself, make sure she isn't doing anything that's harmful... she will turn out fine

 

[gb93433]

I taught high school and loved it. I had a lot of fun being crazy with them. But they knew I was tough if they violate the rules. One time I had a student that was using some hair spray. It was in a wood shop class. I asked if I could see that can and then I sprayed some on his hair. The class laughed and we had fun. But I was dead serious when it came to learning.

With teenagers you just have to lighten up and kind of go with the flow. What I find is that if you don't resist them much and kind of enjoy them they will actually become more compliant. You remove the adversity and destroy the mystique of things.
Josh McDowell has some good books out on the subject. Discuss those things with her. At that age it only takes one to pull them up or one to pull them down. Their friends will have more influence than you do at this stage. So see who their friends are. Do hold them accountable for good actions though.

Just major on the majors and minor on the minors. Ever see an adult that looks like a teenager. Very seldom. Most of them grow up to be good citizens.

 

[UnashamedYouth]

personally I was never one that *gave in* to peer pressure... thankfully most of the people I was around on a daily basis went to either my church or went to a local church...

however in middle and high school I was hanging with the "outcast crowd" because I wasn't able to go to dances/date/wear the more provocative clothing. I still can't date, but my parents let me have more of a say in what I wore when they realized I wasn't wanting to go hooker on them(and no I don't where provocative clothing... I wear sweaters but now my pants aren't "high waters")


I am not sure of all of what's going on in this situation... the grounding issue is what I'm not getting. Is it because she's "not a Christian" ? Sounds like a weird reason to ground you(personally that would totally TURN ME OFF) or is it because her friends are "not Christians"? Jesus calls us to be the light of the world... so I can't see how we can do that if we can't have friendships with *sinners* (some of this is leaning towards sarcasim... but there's a lady in our church that basically locks her children in their rooms for fear *Satan will grab ahold of them* if they step foot into the world... I swear she's holding them hostage... they can't do ANYTHING)

I really don't see anything about her that could make her feel uncomfy about anything... does she have friends HER AGE that are considered "normal" in that they aren't just going to want to talk highly spiritual 24/7 ? I'm not by any means dissing that sort of thing, but too much of a good thing on a new Christian really drags them down.

Personally it sounds to me like she may feel like she's not seen as a "good child" because she's not a Christian, or not one that's up to her parents' level...

like I said this is all really vague to me and I as such I'm shooting around in the dark. I don't mean to offend OR take sides...

 

[MissAbbyIFBaptist]

but we still told her that if she was serious about it that she needed to come to us and pray with us to again ask Jesus into her heart. I'm pretty sure that's going to happen before the pastor comes over Sunday to discuss baptism.

Wait, I don't understand that comment. Are you saying she's made a false profession, or that she needs to get "re-saved" because you can only be saved once!
I will say that if she isn't saved, you can't really expect her to live like a Christian, but she DOES need to realize while she lives at home there are rules.
If these kids she's runing with are having a bad influance on her life, she does need to find some new friends. But since you as her parents are Christians, naturaly ya'll want her to live right. Just keep praying for her, and when she does something she shouldn't, disipline in love. If she's not saved, pray for her. It will do no good to almost force her into a profession, because that's worse than no hope. She'll cling to that "think so salvation" and I know, because I've been there, done that, and have a whole tee shirt collection for it! Just pray the Holy Spirit would convict her.
If she is saved, use the Bible as her guide. When she makes mistakes point out Bible verses that speak of that subject. It will help her grow as a Christian, and when she's older she'll be thankfull ya'll taught her right.
I don't really know what to say about peer presure, because at the time I got saved, I was just going into middle school. I got teased a lot, still do because of my convictions, but I don't think I've ever really cared what they thought. Most of my friends are at church, and my young friends from church have either graduated or are homeschooled. I'm the only regular attending youth in the public highschool, so I don't have to worry about peer presure from them. And I don't really have many friends in the public school because they are either to ashamed or emberrised around me or they just plain don't like me{LOL, scary, but they've actualy SAID that to me!}, There are some who I really like, but we aren't close friends. They aren't saved, so it's very hard because a lot seperates us. So like I said, I don't know what to say there, because I've never really experianced it. I got saved in sixth grade, and there wasn't to much pressure then to do serious wrong stuff.
But I'll pray for ya'll,and for her specifically.
~Miss Abby

Proverbs 31:30 KJB

 

[Sing4Him]

UnashamedYouth...the grounding was simply because of things that she did as part of giving into peer pressure. Lanauge, actions, and attitude need to change. She is changing who she spends most of her time with, but is not completely ignoring the 'other' friends because she knows that these kids need a good influence and hopes that they get that through her from this point on. We're not forcing too much of a good thing on her.

Abby...Because of her recent dishonosties and other actions, there was a question tugging at our hearts as to whether she really meant it or was going forward for our benefit. We just wanted her to think carefully about the situation and make sure that her heart is really in the right place before she goes through the waters. And, as of a conversation I had with her yesterday, we are still planning on meeting with the pastor. She stands very strong behind how she feels about this, and I have no doubts now that she is where she needs to be. This has been totally her decision, not ours, and we have done nothing to force her into a profession. I already know that the only way to discipline is in love.

I came for viewpoits from a youth perspective on peer pressure, not parenting advice. I appreciate everyone's input.

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

Abby...Because of her recent dishonosties and other actions, there was a question tugging at our hearts as to whether she really meant it or was going forward for our benefit.

Are you sure your expectations for her aren't a little high? What you seem to be describing to me in the behavior of your daughter is what most of us have to deal with daily in our own lives. Do you sin? Do you ever have thoughts that run contrary to what you know is right? Sure we all do. In my experience lots of well meaning parents can actually facilitate their children's fall into the depraved behavior by setting the bar to high when it comes to expectations. You have to realize that although she still is living under your roof and subject to your rules, she is growing up as well. As such, she will show more and more independence adn gain more power in making decisions that impact her life regardless of what you try to do to quell the situation. It always works well in theory, but putting the clamps on an empowered teen isn't always so easy in practice. What is important is for you to live by example, which I believe that you are doing sufficiently. The Bible tells us to "train up a child in the way they should walk...and when they are OLD they will not depart from it". It is also important to keep reinforcing and encouraging her involvment in church and making friends there. In the end the greatest weapon you have is prayer and if the situation gets really bad it might be the only thing you can rely on. When all is said and done just realize "all things work to the good of those that love him".

[ September 28, 2003, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Xingyi Warrior ]

 

[Sing4Him]

Like I said before, I came for youth perspective on peer pressure, not parenting advice. I do not appreciate being questioned about my life or parenting skills. We asked HER what she thought she should be doing in her life, she gave an honest answer from the heart, and we ALL agreed that those should be her expectations. No clamps. So you see, or maybe fail to see, is that we are raising her with firm discipline that many children unfortunately lack while at the same time keeping an open line of communication so that she can decide for herself how she should be instead of us telling her how she should be.

I'm really tired of seeing people being slammed in one area or another on this board...asking for advice and then getting the question picked apart by those who feel a need to feel superior. I see that as being very judgmental. I dind't know that every area of this board was considered a debate arena. Since everyone out there is not here in my house to see first-hand what goes on, wouldn't it be wise for you to merely answer the question at hand without passing judgment? We are doing a great job with our kids, and all I wanted was a teen perspective on peer pressure...period. I received a very wise and loving PM from someone on this topic which was VERY much apprecited...so it's not everyone that does this. But to those of you who do, don't try to grow up so fast and don't try to advise people on youth issues from an adult perspective.

Thanks & God Bless.

 

[Sularis]

woah dere Froggers

I think yer reading a little too much agression into that post by Xguy - thats not there

Trust me - there are areas in which I think you may be doing something wrong - but since im not female nor a parent - I dont think my opinion matters enough in this regard to "slam" you

Even tho I think you may or may not need it...

 

[cheerfreakus]

Hi
Well I guess I will give you my insight on peer pressure for me. I know that my situation is not the same as anyone else but this is what I deal with every day .I would like to share some of the things that have been helpful to me in resisting peer pressure.
I guess first off I need to tell you that I was raised catholic but recently changed and have started attending the local Baptist church and have become a member. So I wasn’t taught the biblical right from wrongs right off the bat. My parents did a very good job letting me know what was acceptable and what wasn't, but there were a lot of things that I had to figure out on my own because my parents didn’t have the same views as me on things. I go to a public school so I face things like drugs, smoking, sexual immorality, drinking, and a lot of other immoral things on a daily basis.
Starting out as a freshman I set standards for myself. I guess that was key for me. I needed to have those standards in place before I got myself into a situation that I would have to make a decision right then and there. My freshman year I was not as strong in the Lord as I am now .I had not found my wonderful Baptist church yet so I didn’t think going to parties and doing things that could be considered on the edge was wrong. I thought that if I didn’t do anything bad at those parties it couldn’t be wrong. Then I got myself into a situation where the standards I had set came into play. When I got to a party I realized that some people were drinking. This was by no means anything that I wanted to participate in so having my standards set helped me pick up the phone and call my parents to have them pick me up. That was just one instance.
Thinking about my future is also a great way I battle peer pressure. I have a lot of things I want to do for the lord and if I let sin get in the way I won’t be able to do it. I always keep that in mind. Prayer also helps me, just knowing that God is always there with me and he will never forsake me helps.
I guess another big issue would be friends. I have a lot of friends in different groups. The people I hang out with outside of school are the ones that have my same morals and values. I find it very easy to stumble if there are people telling me its ok and it’s no big deal to do things that are wrong. So that’s why I stay with the people that have the same values as me, we keep each other in check. My friends from Youth Group have helped a lot also.
Also just be there for your daughter, she may not admit it but having someone like your mom to talk to helps a lot. I really respect my mom because she will listen to me and sometimes just listen and that’s all. I know that even though she is my mom that she went through stuff like I am going through so she can understand. So just be there for her and let her know that God and you are always there for her no matter what.

In Christ Name
Ashley

 

[cheerfreakus]

 

[Sing4Him]

Thanks so much, Ashley!!! That's the kind of stuff I've needed to hear from y'all. We have talked about her standards and her friends, and she is way cool with making changes for the better (which changes were all her idea). I, too, was raised Catholic, so I know what you're going through. The first thing a lot of people did when they came out of mass was light one up before they even got to the car. Oh, and get this...when I was little they used to have a St. Patrick's Day dinner and served green beer. In the churse basement. OMG! I'm happy to say that all of my kids are being raised according to the Bible, not Catholic rules, and I've never been happier since I was baptized in '94. I've told my DD that no matter what she wants to discuss with me I will NOT freak (like my mother still does...we choose not to discuss certain things with her now). She can say anything, ask anything, discuss her feelings. No matter what, everything she has to say is imporant to me and she knows it.

Her motto now is..."I'm better than that."

God Bless!

 

[Kayla]

My mom does the weird mom thing. I talk to my dad most of the time, and my best friend, because right now my mom isn't the strongest in the Lord. I am exposed to peer pressure all the time I think that is why sometimes my language becomes a little ify when i have been around all that stuff. But, then I works on it. My cousin is the one in my family i am worried about. She acts completely to the World's standards. But, it isn't because you doesn't have a good mother. Her mom and dad are divorced. She thinks she has to take it out on the everybody. I have talked to her, and the pastor has talked to her. The pastor's wife. She is saved, I see the changes. But I think she is backsliddin' because of the whole divorce thing you could not tell. That is what I am talking about. People can be raised in a Good Christian home(well everybody has their problems), and still "turn out bad", or forget their upbringing. So don't give hope on her. I have also seen people turn around for the good in a cituation like this.

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

Like I said before, I came for youth perspective on peer pressure, not parenting advice. I do not appreciate being questioned about my life or parenting skills.

Your defensive tone gives you away as someone who has some serious issues. I suggest seeking some professional counseling rather than the advice of teens (no offense to the latter intended).

 

[I Am Blessed 24]

I'm sorry; but a 13-year-old being raised in a Christian home with firm, loving, discipline wearing 'dark make-up and clothes' against her parent's wishes?

I am not judging or condemning anyone, but something ain't right here.

My girls were not allowed to wear ANY make-up when they were 13 and certainly could not wear clothes that I did not buy.

And I have never asked another teen on advice for my children. That would be like asking a drunk for advice on how to stop drinking.

No slams intended to the teens here. You all gave good answers.

Miss Abby may be a teen, but she is a very mature teen and has been through more in her young life than a lot of us adults will ever face! This has given her wisdom way beyond her age.

Me thinks (like the warrior) that there are deeper issues here that need resolved.

JMHO,

§ue

 

[JonathanDT]

Originally posted by I Am Blessed 16:
And I have never asked another teen on advice for my children. That would be like asking a drunk for advice on how to stop drinking.

Absolute worst metaphor I have ever heard in my life. If you're going to come up with something that doesn't make any sense, at least try to keep it from insulting every person in this particular forum. And while I'm glad that you never stooped to asking our advice, it doesn't mean that Frogger doing so is such a bad idea.

Frogger, peer pressure is something she's going to have to learn to deal with. Even if she seems to successfully deal with saying no to the stupid things like drugs and alcohol their influence will still be there and be perceptible in such things as her language and more importantly her opinions on virtually everything: her worldview. The best thing for her is to hang with a crowd that will influence positively. She's going to be influenced by peer pressure, the only thing that can be changed is whether that peer pressure is good or bad.

 

[I Am Blessed 24]

at least try to keep it from insulting every person in this particular forum.

Jonathan; You don't know me. If you did you would know that I value the teens on this board very much and I would never insult them.

I even stated that my post was NOT a slam to the teens here!

I'm sorry you misread my post and came to the wrong conclusion. I was very careful in how I worded my post.

I raised four teens at the same time and I now have 16 grandchildren. No way would I insult the intelligence of any of them - anymore than I would insult the intelligence of any teen on this board.

Blessings,
§ue

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

If you're going to come up with something that doesn't make any sense, at least try to keep it from insulting every person in this particular forum.

I don't think that the post was intended to insult anyone on this particular forum although I would have probably found a comparison with slightly softer conotations. Blessed 16, as myself, was young once and we know that from experience its difficult for people your age to not be offended by lots of things. Noone wants to be told they are, or made to feel inferior. But quite honestly when you are that age you are. Not inferior as a human being, but inferior from the perspective of life's experiences. I know I was. I didn't think of myself as such then and resented when anyone did, but it was true. Thus is the futility, as Blessed 16 and I pointed out, of an adult querrying you guys for some quality information as to what they should do with a rebelious daughter. It would be the same as a 35 year old dropping by for some advice on dating. Sure you all have dealt with some of life's hardships, but in all you really wont have any real insight(you may think you do)until you can look retrospectively at these situations from the vantage point of maturity. When that is differs by individual but most people I know, myself included, don't get there until their mid-latter 20's. I've listened to lots of young people's opinions, some good/some not so good, but much of it is theoretical knowledge that is from a secondhand source such as other adults, pastors, teachers, books etc... When I was younger I practised boxing on my own and with a few novice friends. I thought that I was getting pretty good..........that is until I stepped into the ring for real. Such is life. When many of you finally graduate from scool, develop meaningful relationships, buy a car for the firsat time, have sex, etc... your views are gonna change big time from what they may be now, garantee it. That doesn't mean that now you don't have valuable things to say, but in the case of frogger, considering he is an adult and presumably mature (although I'd question how much judging from the virulent response when people with experince tried to answer some of his questions)he should really do away with the pity party, grab some self esteem and fortitude, and take charge of the situation based on some sound advice from professionals such as pastors, counselors, etc...

 

[Sing4Him]

Oh, I am so done coming here. Telling me that there are deeper issues here is so out of line. You are not here, and you have no clue. A lot of you have proven my point once again. It's virtually impossible to come to this board without someone slamming you or trying to counsel you. I just deleted a lot of what I wanted to say because I know that Satan was working on my response.

God Bless all of you who truly responded to the ONE concern that I had...a youth PERSPECTIVE (not advice) on peer pressure. All I wanted was to be able to understand her a little better, and a precious few of you helped me with that. Thank you again.

By the way, things are still going wonderfully. It was definitely a phase/bout with peer pressure that is going to be left in the past and forgotten. She is back to her old self, lots of hugs & kisses, good attitude, giggling about silly things again, and I'm seeing Christ in her more and more every day. No deeper issues here, no siree! Not that there ever were, but I'm not gonna go there again.

Poster from Cedarville...thanks. You can always count on Cedarville kids...love that place. Would love my kids to go there! We're about 1.5 hours away. Your music program is AWESOME!!! They've sent a couple of groups in the past to sing at our church and we've housed some of them for the night...we had a blast! GO CEDARVILLE!