Ok, I need some honest advice? Thanks!!!

[TaliOrlando]

Dear Baptist Board,

I have a very sensitive situation and I am going through a difficult time to say the least. The great thing is that we serve a mighty God who can conquer it all. I know many may say, "Ohh, why is he putting his business here on the board", well.. I know that you all are my brothers and sisters and will give honest feedback.

Let me start with explaining that my Wife is not a Christian. I wasnt one either when I came to Christ but have been one for 5 years now. I know that God will do his will in her life, in his time and not ours. Well, my Wife has had a difficult childhood, her Grandfather wasnt to kind to her and she still cries about that sometimes. Now to the problem...

My Father is the best to me, I mean, I love him with all my heart. I never look at his defects and just focus on the beautiful parts. Since he moved to Puerto Rico when my daughter was 1 yr old. In the past 3 yrs, he has called my house twice. He has never called to ask how Natalia (daughter) is or anything. Well, to me thats ok... because I dont focus on that stuff, but my Wife who is an unbeliever and on top of that has trauma's about her granpa doesnt take it that well.

Now my Father is in town and wants to spend time with my Daughter. I am totally up for it, but my Wife is not. He came last year and has not called since. She say's she is fed up with it and will not allow Natalia to suffer what she suffered by her Grandfather not calling or inquiring about her.

The thing is that my pop's calls my other brother and often, I dont care about that, thats not what I am about... who cares if he doesnt call... I call him and thats that.. you know..

Last year I had to basically force my wife to go, not with violence but just bugging her to death about it... I am tired of doing that.. I told him last year to call more often but they havent.. I dont know what to do.. I am stuck in the middle. My Wife wants nothing to do with it... and to be honest I have been defending my father instead of her.......

Should I tell my father about or will it hurt his feeling? I dont know what to do... I feel so sad... I wish we were all happy and cheerfully and stuff but its not happening. I know I am the leader of the house and If i tell my wife.. Let's Go.. she will go... but forcefully and I dont like doing that..

 

[menageriekeeper]

From one who has been there: Take your daughter and visit your dad if you want to. Leave your wife out of it. Don't bug her, don't nag her and make sure you tell her what you told us: that you understand how she feel, but you want your daughter to at least be acquainted with her grandfather even if a close relationship never happens.

Make sure you kiss her (your wife) good bye as you walk out the door. This will show her that you aren't hurt by her decision not to accompany you. And really, I wouldn't talk about the issue a whole lot except to tell her it's okay that she's not going but you feel you have to. Let it just sorta end there. She'll bring the issue back up if she changes her mind.

Now, as for what to tell your dad as to why she's not there: tell him the truth. She's has issues from her past that he makes worse by not having regular contact with your family. Perhaps the two of you together can come up a plan to end what seems like neglect (but may just be life) on your father's part.

I understand where your wife is coming from. I was the less favored grandchild. My brother was the fav! I can remember my grandmother sending my brother presents at Christmas and me none. There was no mistaking she wished she didn't have to deal with me. I was a teenager before we made our peace. It was then I realized(discovered?) that I had been born just two months after her beloved husband had died leaving her with a child still to raise. She couldn't look at me without remembering him. Not my fault, but there you have it.

All I would ask of your wife in this instance is that she not denigrate your father to your daughter when the daughter asks questions about why Grandpa doesn't visit her more often. YOU need to handle those questions so your wife doesn't feel like she is trying to defend a man she really doesn't like much.

 

[TaliOrlando]

From one who has been there: Take your daughter and visit your dad if you want to. Leave your wife out of it. Don't bug her, don't nag her and make sure you tell her what you told us: that you understand how she feel, but you want your daughter to at least be acquainted with her grandfather even if a close relationship never happens.

Make sure you kiss her (your wife) good bye as you walk out the door. This will show her that you aren't hurt by her decision not to accompany you. And really, I wouldn't talk about the issue a whole lot except to tell her it's okay that she's not going but you feel you have to. Let it just sorta end there. She'll bring the issue back up if she changes her mind.

Now, as for what to tell your dad as to why she's not there: tell him the truth. She's has issues from her past that he makes worse by not having regular contact with your family. Perhaps the two of you together can come up a plan to end what seems like neglect (but may just be life) on your father's part.

I understand where your wife is coming from. I was the less favored grandchild. My brother was the fav! I can remember my grandmother sending my brother presents at Christmas and me none. There was no mistaking she wished she didn't have to deal with me. I was a teenager before we made our peace. It was then I realized(discovered?) that I had been born just two months after her beloved husband had died leaving her with a child still to raise. She couldn't look at me without remembering him. Not my fault, but there you have it.

All I would ask of your wife in this instance is that she not denigrate your father to your daughter when the daughter asks questions about why Grandpa doesn't visit her more often. YOU need to handle those questions so your wife doesn't feel like she is trying to defend a man she really doesn't like much.

My daughter hears absolutely nothing negative about my father, if my Wife and I are going to talk about a problem, it is done when she is sleeping..

The thing is my Wife completely opposed to him even watching her? :tonofbricks: :tonofbricks: She say's "What will tell our daughter in a few months when asks, why Granpa hasnt called, a Lie ?" I have no answer for that... dont know what to say.... All this on top of my brother being in the Hospital and now going full time to the university is driving me nuts.. I just focus on the kingdom of God and continue to seek him.. and know that the rest of things will be added but its just hard....

 

[Joe]

Maybe I am missing something Not uncommon for me...

You say your father rarely calls, pops in when it tickles his fancy yet has no problem remaining in communication with your brother. Now he wants to see your daugher, his grandaugher. Yet you expect his behavior to be similar. He will be popping in only when it tickles his fancy, which is on rare occasion (maybe once a year). He won't even phone in between time. No communcation whatsoever for months and maybe as long as a year.

Now this guy wants to be alone with your daugher?

And somehow, he has become more important than the mother of your child. You are now considering going against her wishes.


I am also curious. What will you say if she bonds with this guy called grandpa yet as you know, he will not be acting as a Grandpa. To tell the truth will obviously be negative, and it will hurt her.

What positive will come out of going against your wife and possibly risking hurting your daughter in the process? Why did you force your wife to be with this man? Why do you pressure your wife, the mother of your child, to allow this man to be alone (babysit) her child? He has NO business being alone with your daugher.
Those are just a few questions which come to mind. It appears nothing edifying will come about bringing these two together AND you are disrespecting your wife yet again. My two cents

 

[TaliOrlando]

Maybe I am missing something Not uncommon for me...

You say your father rarely calls, pops in when it tickles his fancy yet has no problem remaining in communication with your brother. Now he wants to see your daugher, his grandaugher. Yet you expect his behavior to be similar. He will be popping in only when it tickles his fancy, which is on rare occasion (maybe once a year). He won't even phone in between time. No communcation whatsoever for months and maybe as long as a year.

Now this guy wants to be alone with your daugher?

And somehow, he has become more important than the mother of your child. You are now considering going against her wishes.


I am also curious. What will you say if she bonds with this guy called grandpa yet as you know, he will not be acting as a Grandpa. To tell the truth will obviously be negative, and it will hurt her.

What positive will come out of going against your wife and possibly risking hurting your daughter in the process? Why did you force your wife to be with this man? Why do you pressure your wife, the mother of your child, to allow this man to be alone (babysit) her child? He has NO business being alone with your daugher.
Those are just a few questions which come to mind. It appears nothing edifying will come about bringing these two together AND you are disrespecting your wife yet again. My two cents

I feel you.. and I appreciate your feedback. He doesnt want to be alone with my daughter, he wants us to be together and go out and stuff. Not just him and my daughter.... Me and my wife never allow our daughter out of our site..... but I get exactly what you are saying.

How should I tell my dad, I love him so much and would hate to disrespect him and tell him he can see my wife and daughter... that is going to hurt soooo bad..... I dont think my family will understand because this is the way my father has always been.. There are no birthday gifts after like 15 yrs old.. its just another day... I mean a hug and kiss and thats awesome.. He is now 72 yrs old...

Like he calls my brother often, every week or so but its like they have better communication or something... I mean, thats my guess. I am the one who calls him every other week to check up on him.

I thank you for your advice.... everything you said, is exactly what my wife is saying to me.... exactly..

 

[Amy.G]

This is a difficult situation and because you are the head of your family, whatever decision you make is final, but your wife has legitimate concerns. I think you should honor her feelings, at least regarding your daughter. You need to work on your own relationship (without involving your wife or daughter) with your father as there seems to be definite problems there.

Think on this:

Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Your wife is your first priority after Christ.

 

[Joe]

I feel you.. and I appreciate your feedback. He doesnt want to be alone with my daughter, he wants us to be together and go out and stuff. Not just him and my daughter.... Me and my wife never allow our daughter out of our site..... but I get exactly what you are saying.

Good for you, nice to hear

How should I tell my dad, I love him so much and would hate to disrespect him and tell him he can see my wife and daughter... that is going to hurt soooo bad.....

It will hurt WHO so bad? You said your Dad hardly ever calls, and rarely drops by your home. Isn't he disrespecting you? You can't make him love you.

If he is hurt by not seeing your wife and daughter, well... actions speak louder than words right? He doesn't make an effort towards them. Ask him what he had in mind, just to pop in to visit once in a blue moonor was he serous in establishing a real relationship with your daugher? your wife?
I am sorry you love him so, maybe that can be cured...I know it can be toned down. I'll get back to that.

I dont think my family will understand because this is the way my father has always been.. There are no birthday gifts after like 15 yrs old.. its just another day... I mean a hug and kiss and thats awesome.. He is now 72 yrs old...

"What does a hug and a kiss and that's awesome" mean? It would be awesome if he hugged and kissed you? I agree but IMHO, you may need to find someone else for that because it aint gonna happen.

Like he calls my brother often, every week or so but its like they have better communication or something... I mean, thats my guess. I am the one who calls him every other week to check up on him.

If you don't call him, ever, do you think he might try to call you? Are you afraid to find out how long it would take? I think so.

I thank you for your advice.... everything you said, is exactly what my wife is saying to me.... exactly..

You're very welcome, not sure how much it's worth.
If you were to tell Dad of your wife's concerns, and add they are also your own, do you think he would be willing to make more of an effort to act like a Grandfather? Does he know how? You may need to teach him if you both decide to pursue him being in your life. But popping in, I am sorry, I find that so selfish. It's sad and shouldn't be allowed. He has to make an effort. Or IMHO, forget it. He has nothing to offer your family except the sadness you already feel.

Your obligation is to your wife, not your absentee Dad. You should "love her so", not your unloving Dad but that's how it goes...It would be great if you could find a few older men to become close with. It would help..um... what I think is desparation (sorry) for a real father. Life became much easier when I became close friends with this one person. He's my parents age. I can say anything, do anthing, and it's all fine. He acts free around me and a few of our mutual close friends. When he is old, we will take care of him and his wife. His wife is a close friends of ours too.

You must be kinda careful though who you trust and go slow, it takes years to feel that free with someone. I'll pray for your family, your wife and daughter. I'l pray that your Dad makes more of an effort, or you find a close older male pal you can bond with. Hopefully, a Christian friend.

 

[Palatka51]

Dear Baptist Board,

I have a very sensitive situation and I am going through a difficult time to say the least. The great thing is that we serve a mighty God who can conquer it all. I know many may say, "Ohh, why is he putting his business here on the board", well.. I know that you all are my brothers and sisters and will give honest feedback.

Let me start with explaining that my Wife is not a Christian. I wasnt one either when I came to Christ but have been one for 5 years now. I know that God will do his will in her life, in his time and not ours. Well, my Wife has had a difficult childhood, her Grandfather wasnt to kind to her and she still cries about that sometimes. Now to the problem...

My Father is the best to me, I mean, I love him with all my heart. I never look at his defects and just focus on the beautiful parts. Since he moved to Puerto Rico when my daughter was 1 yr old. In the past 3 yrs, he has called my house twice. He has never called to ask how Natalia (daughter) is or anything. Well, to me thats ok... because I dont focus on that stuff, but my Wife who is an unbeliever and on top of that has trauma's about her granpa doesnt take it that well.

Now my Father is in town and wants to spend time with my Daughter. I am totally up for it, but my Wife is not. He came last year and has not called since. She say's she is fed up with it and will not allow Natalia to suffer what she suffered by her Grandfather not calling or inquiring about her.

The thing is that my pop's calls my other brother and often, I dont care about that, thats not what I am about... who cares if he doesnt call... I call him and thats that.. you know..

Last year I had to basically force my wife to go, not with violence but just bugging her to death about it... I am tired of doing that.. I told him last year to call more often but they havent.. I dont know what to do.. I am stuck in the middle. My Wife wants nothing to do with it... and to be honest I have been defending my father instead of her.......

Should I tell my father about or will it hurt his feeling? I dont know what to do... I feel so sad... I wish we were all happy and cheerfully and stuff but its not happening. I know I am the leader of the house and If i tell my wife.. Let's Go.. she will go... but forcefully and I dont like doing that..

Taliorlando;

Am I correct in assuming that when you and your wife were married, neither of you were Born again Christians?

You are now a Christian of 5 years and your wife is yet unsaved.

I have no training in counseling but I can give you advice in accordance with mine own experience. I too have had a very bad experience with my grandfather. I won't get into details but I was only 7 when this happened. I became a Christian shortly after the age of Nine. I remember my Baptism and all the family was there and so was he. We did not have a baptismal pool at the Church, we all met at the shores of Marvin's Lake in Georgetown, Florida. I remember having come out of the water and being wet, I was drying my face with a towel when a thought came to my heart when I looked at my grandfather. This must stop now.

By the time I was 14 he contracted pancreatic cancer. My Dad and Mother had to be his care taker as he waisted away. My parents never knew this part of my relationship with my grandfather and that I had a smoldering hatred for him. Then about a month before his death he came to me and asked me to forgive him.

For several weeks during his pain he always had his Bible and read it up to the point that the cancer had made him senseless. I forgave. I believe to this day, if I had not been a Christian I would not have understood the principle of forgiveness and would have boiled in my fear and hatred of him. At his funeral I remember thinking that he never got to see me drive a car.

Today I am 51 and have 2 grate children by the blessings of God. I have never feared to leave them in the care of either grandparent.

It seems to me that your wife is living in fear.

Be very patient with her and let her come to Christ in God's own time.

Do not force her to do something against her choice, ie; visiting your father. Your father is not her problem. Her problem is her fear. Until she comes to know the LORD and lives her life in forgiveness, her life will always be a life of fear.

I am praying very earnestly for you and her Tali. Be diligent and always trust Jesus, He sees your need and very soon she shall be living in the freedom of the Love of Christ. raying:

 

[Cutter]

You better stick with the wife. She's the one you left mother and father for and when she realizes she is the most important person to you, maybe she will be willing to negotiate. You took her for better or worse. Also, it may be a good idea to let your father see that his favoritism and attitude need to change. Your father pops in and out and calls when he wants to. Your wife, on the other hand, is the one you live with, day in and day out.

 

[BobRyan]

Stick with whatever will encourage your wife to become a Christian, to be a happy wife and mom.

Do not put your not-so-attentive Dad into the middle of that. If HE needs the "explanation" of why you are doing it -- give to him straight. If he wants to commit - to step up to the plate and be a Dad to you and a grandpa to your daughter fine -- maybe he can even help win your wife over to christianity.

But as long as he is still debating whether he will be engaged in this or not - and does not seem to care about the history that your wife has had on this same topic -- don't add him to the mix of problems you are already dealing with.

My two cents.

in Christ,

Bob

 

[TaliOrlando]

Good for you, nice to hear

It will hurt WHO so bad? You said your Dad hardly ever calls, and rarely drops by your home. Isn't he disrespecting you? You can't make him love you.

If he is hurt by not seeing your wife and daughter, well... actions speak louder than words right? He doesn't make an effort towards them. Ask him what he had in mind, just to pop in to visit once in a blue moonor was he serous in establishing a real relationship with your daugher? your wife?
I am sorry you love him so, maybe that can be cured...I know it can be toned down. I'll get back to that.

"What does a hug and a kiss and that's awesome" mean? It would be awesome if he hugged and kissed you? I agree but IMHO, you may need to find someone else for that because it aint gonna happen.

If you don't call him, ever, do you think he might try to call you? Are you afraid to find out how long it would take? I think so.

You're very welcome, not sure how much it's worth.
If you were to tell Dad of your wife's concerns, and add they are also your own, do you think he would be willing to make more of an effort to act like a Grandfather? Does he know how? You may need to teach him if you both decide to pursue him being in your life. But popping in, I am sorry, I find that so selfish. It's sad and shouldn't be allowed. He has to make an effort. Or IMHO, forget it. He has nothing to offer your family except the sadness you already feel.

Your obligation is to your wife, not your absentee Dad. You should "love her so", not your unloving Dad but that's how it goes...It would be great if you could find a few older men to become close with. It would help..um... what I think is desparation (sorry) for a real father. Life became much easier when I became close friends with this one person. He's my parents age. I can say anything, do anthing, and it's all fine. He acts free around me and a few of our mutual close friends. When he is old, we will take care of him and his wife. His wife is a close friends of ours too.

You must be kinda careful though who you trust and go slow, it takes years to feel that free with someone. I'll pray for your family, your wife and daughter. I'l pray that your Dad makes more of an effort, or you find a close older male pal you can bond with. Hopefully, a Christian friend.

It will hurt WHO so bad? You said your Dad hardly ever calls, and rarely drops by your home. Isn't he disrespecting you?

See, I think it will hurt him as well because this is how he has always has been. He might now know that he is wrong in this matter as no one has ever brought it up. However he is grown now 72 years old and he should know better, there are no excuses. I just hope that he understands.. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me too... I did alot of crazy stuff when I was younger and he was there every single time to pick me up.. he has done alot of great things for me. He is just different... Do I like that he doesnt call me that often but calls my brother, Nope.. but I still know that if I need something he will be there regardless.

If he is hurt by not seeing your wife and daughter, well... actions speak louder than words right? He doesn't make an effort towards them. Ask him what he had in mind, just to pop in to visit once in a blue moonor was he serous in establishing a real relationship with your daugher? your wife?

Well, there are no excuses. As a son I try to make as many as i can for my father, however there are no excuses. He should call more and he should do his part and I agree 100%..Thanks Bro!!

I thank you so much for all your input.. you have no idea how helpful all of you have been... all of you... this is awesome!! Thanks!!! My family is great at pulling guilt trips on me because they know I fall for them each time.... To be honest.. I am so silly that if a robber comes to steal at my house, I would probably start preaching to him and help him load the stuff in the truck and even go out to eat with him.. thats just how I am ... I am a bit naive.. and have to learn to be firm on certain things... :BangHead: