P.K.'s,.M.K.'s, If you have to ask, you don't understand

[ResIpsaLoquitur]

Are there any other p.k.'s, m.k.'s out there that grew tired of being treated different than everybody else was in the church? Did you notice people were quick to criticize the "pk's" for some perceived wrong while the deacon's kids got away with murder? I think there should be some sort of organization in the Baptist denomination that helps preacher and missionary families cope with the tremendous pressure put on them by their "fellow Christians". By the way, don't just say the organization WMU was for the preacher's wife because I have seen things some in this group did toward my mother that weren't uplifting to her or our family. My father, who is a Southern Baptist preacher and has been one for about 50 years, once jokingly told me there are 3 years in a Baptist Preacher's ministry at a Southern baptist church, 1st year is adoration, 2nd year is toleration, and 3rd year in annihilation. However, I know there are churches out there (of course I know we the people are the church)that do act this way toward their preachers and the preachers family. I personally witnessed things at business meetings that distressed me as a young child. Even to this day, I have trouble trusting fellow christians until I've gotten to know them for a long, long, time. Proabably, even then, I still have reservations about them. I was so distressed with everything I saw at various churches my father had pastored, I made a vow that I wouldn't marry a preacher because I didn't want to experience what my mom did as a preacher's wife nor did I want my children to face the hyprocrisy leveled toward them just because they were pk's!! I did, however, marry a man that became a deacon in the church and no one hassled our deacons kids, thats for sure!Anyways, I was wondering if anyone out there had similar experiences as a pk or mk.

 

[Sam]

I can certainly relate as I too was a daughter of a preacher. Everything that would happened in the church one of us p.k.'s seemed to be at fault. If another child was caught doing something we would still be looked at because we where suppose to have stopped it or been an example. People would always say that p.k.'s are the meanest but that is just because we where watched so much more than other kids. I think we where pretty good kids but the people with the bad kids pointed fingers at us which sure made us look bad. As I got older I got out of church for a few years because I had been hurt. I married a man who, after we had two sons, became a preacher.Everyone was happy but me. I worried about my boys. They too have faced some of this but I keep a close eye on things and don't always listen to others but ask the boys what really happened. I have seen my oldest son withdraw from people like I did and I worry about him. I was singled out alot when our family first started in this church but things are going more smoothly now. My mother was always a person who didn't let things bother her so she wasn't bother as much as I have been as a preachers wife. I am proud that my father and my husband have followed the Lords will. I feel that people who hurt the preachers family, are hurting God, and will answer for there mistakes. Satan want us to get discouraged and give up but when Satan works on us we need to work harder for God. RelpsaLoquifor, if you ever need someone to talk to then feel free to e-mail me. ~Sheila~

 

[Jonathan]

I can second those experiences. My father was a pastor, a missionary, and a DOM (at different times, of course). I have very vivid memories of how church folk treated my parents and how my parents worked so hard to shield us from this.

But rather than becoming bitter about this, I have chosen to be an influential church member in our present church. I help my fellow members understand why cost of living raises are important, why the pastor's wife should not be seen as an "accessory" to the ministry, why the PK's are to be cut a little slack and be allowed to make the same silly mistakes that all kids make, etc...

Personally, I think that grown PKs make the best church members. To the other PKs lurking: rejoice in your experiences and see them as a gift. They have provided you with an insight that few have and will enable you to be very effective in the life of your church.

 

[Grace]

Well, I'm not a p.k., but I am a "deakling", and I can't get away with anything at my church, so I don't know where you are coming from saying that deacon's kids get away with murder

(just kidding) I do work with a p.k., and I was telling my mom that he had been giving me some problems, and mom said "most p.k.'s will". Why the stereotype??? That's like saying I'll make trouble in school because I'm a teachers kid. Why can't we let the kids be kids? I told mom that it didn't have anything to do with him being a p.k. it has to do with him being lazy.

 

[ResIpsaLoquitur]

Well Grace I believe that PK's are either totally wild or they are super straight! There are no middle of the road preacher's kids that I know. The wild p.k.'s I have known, I believe are that way because they just want to prove that we are human too! They want to show our peers how they have fallacies and faults too.

I always hated it when people would expect me to be perfect and to know every scripture verse in the Bible. Even if I knew the answer to a question asked in Sunday School, I'd never raise my hand to answer the question. I didn't like to be singled out and it seems like thats what a lot of people do to us p.k.'s whether they intended to do this or not.

I was super straight growing up because I did not want to embarrass my parents. I am far from perfect but I tried to do everything right so that no one could criticize me. Like it or not, my father's profession followed me everywhere I went, even to my school. I got so tired about people saying since I was a preacher's daughter I must do this or that. One time on a date a young man told me thats why he had asked me out because the last pk's daughter did ......well, you get the idea!I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't that kind of girl and to take me home immediately!He did and we never went out again thats for sure!

For all of these reasons Grace, I believe is the reason why your mother made the comment about your preacher's son that she did. As a whole, pk's don't have a good reputation and that is something I have always dealt with. However, since I am now a deacon's wife, I can tell you it is totally different for me and my kids. People in the church don't judge me or them like they do our staff. Trust me, there is a BIG DIFFERENCE. God bless you and thanks for the post!

 

[Son of Consolation]

Yes, I am a PK, but never felt being treated different. I received a lot of love, respect, and spiritual support as I grew up.

I truly feel sorry for anyone who went through a different experience.

[ April 18, 2002, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Barnabas ]

 

[Dr. Bob]

My children grew up Pastor's Kids and my wife thought they would have been perfect except that they had to play with the Deacon's Kids.

 

[ResIpsaLoquitur]

LOL at BOB's remarks...probably a lot of truth to what you said!!!Deacon's kid certainly aren't perfect either although, I don't think they are the problem. Normally isn't it just the deacons and their wives that tend to give the preacher's family problems?????At least that was what my experience was as a p.k.!!My father always told me that you can tell what a deacon thinks about you by how their children act toward the preacher. I have found that to be true!!

 

[MissAbbyIFBaptist]

Pretty funny, Doctor Bob!
in our church, the preacher's grand kids are usualy well behaved. the oldest one is sometimes a little silly, but i've always heard that kids would be kids!
abby

 

[Multimom]

AAAAhhhhhhhhh the mystery of murder for the heart of the PK. I cannot begin to tell you the atrocities my parents suffered at the hands of "church members" and "decons". (The reason I put them in parenthesis is because I doubt their sincerity).

So much was just down right horrible.

I'll give you just one of the senarios and go from there. My dad was pastoring a small Baptist Church in a small town in Texas (no names unless you send me a PM). The salary there was approximately $1500 a month with my dad paying for health insurance (major medical only) out of that $1500. Because the pay was so small my dad decided to drive a school bus. This required about an hour and a half each morning and an hour and a half each afternoon. After about 6 months the decons told him that "it was taking away his church time" and if he didn't quit, they would replace him.

Now mind you, 3 hours out of the 24 he was available each day. For those of you who don't know, most preachers pastor churches of 500 or less and they are on call 24/7/365. I can't tell you the number of times we had to cut short a visit to my grandmother so that Dad could go home and take care of "church" needs. Scrap the fact that our family had needs. To this day my brother won't set foot in a church and I left the denomination nearly 12 years ago. But because of my "horrible" experiences I never fail to stick up for my pastor in a business meeting or anything else. I don't let members run them down. I don't listen when they spread rumors. I speak up loudly when they are challenged in a business meeting.

As you can see, this is a very touchy subject for me and until this very moment, I didn't realize how much of an issue it was for me. Maybe that is why I very silently support my husband's ministry in our church. I am an active participant in the services (praise and worship leader) but don't ever think that I let anyone tell me how my kids should be. What my kids are and do is my own business and frankly none of theirs.

I just wish my parents had felt that way. I believe my brother and I suffered much injury at the hands of the "church members". Sorry guys evidently this one struck a nerve.

 

[TaterTot]

I am a pastors wife, and can relate to many of the stories here. I HATE that it is always open season on the pastors family - too fat, too frilly, too young, at home too much, etc, many of you know what I mean. But I do love being with people in some of the most important times in their lives and watching people (the few who actually want to) grow in their faith and commitment.
We have discussed at length how many PK's resent church later in life and we certainly dont want our two girls to ever feel that way. But I see how it happens.

 

[ResIpsaLoquitur]

Multimom, I sent you a private message. I welcome you to the baptist board and you know I can relate to what you just wrote!I pray for you and all other pk's because I know how much we have been hurt thoughout the years by church members. I struggle with all the baggage so called "christians" heaped upon us because we were the preacher's family. I know that one day they will have to answer for the deeds they have done but it still hurts, even though I have been married and out of my parents home for over 24 years.If you ever want to just talk, let me know. God bless you and yours.

 

[superdave]

I think the effect of a church on PK's has alot to do with the parents.

I grew up as a PK in basically 2 churches. We moved to one when I was 5, so it really is the first one I really remember clearly.

There were always people who said things like "You're a preacher's kid, you should know better." Actually even when I was older, in High School and got into trouble, I heard that from an Administrator. Now, my parents were not approving at all of my behaviour, and rightly so, but my father was more disturbed by that comment than even about my actions I think. He refused to allow that standard to be placed on his children. After all, we were sinply children growing up in a christian home like all the other kids, it was our parents who were in a position of leadership and responsibility, not us.

My parents sheltered me from events and circumstances in the church, so I did not have to be placed in awkward situations, even when they were in the middle of some really uncomfortable situations. They did not expect any more out of me as a PK, than they would have if my father had been a Godly man who worked in a secular job. They did not expect me to become a preacher, or pressure me in any way to follow the footsteps of my father, although many other people did, and made similar remarks about my future. my parents always told me that if God wanted me to be a garbage man, That they wanted me to be a garbage man.

I am not a preacher, and I am not in what some people call "full time ministry" really in my view, this means I simply don't get paid for my work in the church, and there are times where I think it would be easier to not have an outside job and be able to focus on church ministry, because I have a love for it. I think being a PK, I understand some of the pressure and problems that my pastoral staff deals with, and I can try to alleviate some of that, and try not to make it worse, and I never say "You are a PK, you should know better" I actually have corrected a leader in Awana who said that to one of the Assistant pastor's kids.

If you are a pastor or pastor's wife, you are key in the development of your children's attitudes toward church. You have to deal with them very carefully, and be sure not to simply expect them to hold to a high standard of behaviour, but also to reach their hearts. This is for all parents, but many PK's learn to follow a standard because everyone watches them, but they do not make lasting changes in their life. When the watchers stop looking, they have no personal moral compass to guide them, and that is why some PK's fall out of a proper Christian walk, because it became a empty shell of standards, upheld by strict outside influence, and when that is gone, the shell is no longer held together, and they fall apart.

I have rambled long enough, But I don't have to ask, and I do understand