Pit Stop----the Saga continues

I try not to think of stick and my MIL at the same time. It makes me think of two things: either a beatin' or she'll come to visit and never leave. That it what they call a lose-lose situation.

If I bought her a broom she wouldn't get it. I'd have to spend an hour trying to explain the significance of the gift to her. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing- a waste of time and it annoys the pig. She has to be the most humorless person I've ever met. I tried a knock-knock joke on her once....

"Knock, knock," says I."

"Oh, just a minute. Someone's at the door."

 

:laugh: :laugh:

THEN, the "knock-knock" went more like THIS :BangHead: , didn't it???
:laugh:

 

You know her? :laugh:

 

That, my friend, is Hell on Earth.

Here are some MIL jokes.


My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My FIL replied, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Q. How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A. Take your foot off her head.


I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.


Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your MIL backing off a cliff in your new car.

 

You're lucky my MIL came for Christmas and New Years.

Trouble was she came New Years and stayed until Christmas. :laugh:

 

Death of a Mother-in-Law

A Farmer and his new Bride were being visited by his new Mother-in-Law.

The Mother-in-Law wasn't happy about anything. She immediately demanded to be taken on a tour of the farm. Not wanting to cause any trouble, and hoping to get the new marriage off n the right foot, the Farmer agreed.

The Mother-in-Law was mean and sarcastic about everything. Nothing was right.

While they were touring the barn the farmer's mule kicked the Mother-in-Law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral the Farmer and his Wife were standing next to the casket with the Pastor. The Pastor noticed that if a Woman said something to the Farmer he would nod his head and say yes, however; if a Man said something to the farmer he would shake his head no and mumble something.

Finally the Pastor could contain his curiosity no longer and asked the Farmer what was happening. The Farmer replied that the Women would come up and say "such a terrible tragedy" and the Farmer would nod and say yes. The Men would would come up and say" can I rent that mule?", and the Farmer would reply, "No, booked up for a year."

 

I've decided to get my MIL a Jaguar for Christmas.

Now I have to find out if I have to rub her with a little bacon to get it to bite her.

 

I can tell when my MIL gets here. The mice start throwing themselves on the traps.

 

:laugh: :laugh:

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone at the Pit Stop!

 

Not today. My gorgeous wife made the best Thanksgiving meal I've ever had. :love2:


However, my wife woke me up one time in the middle of the night and told me, "There's a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he's eating the cake that my mother made for us."

I asked, "Who should I call, the police or an ambulance?"

 

You hear about the feller that had the misfortune of playing a round of golf with his MIL? The feller sliced his ball off the tee and it came to rest right in front of an equipment barn. The MIL, thinking she was some sort of Nancy Lopez, kept deriding the feller for just about everything related or unrelated to his golf game. Putting the ball in front of an equipment barn wasn't going to help. Both end doors of the barn were open and the feller could see the green but had decided to chip back onto the fairway and take his shot from there.


Well, the MIL wouldn't hear of it. "Shoot it through the barn!", she exclaimed, and went on to blame everything from their kids needing braces to inflation on the fellers lack of courage when facing obstacles. Determined to shut up the old wind bag the man resolved, "Okay, I'll shoot it through the barn!"


He lined up his shot - checked his grip, his stance - he was a machine in motion. Every muscles was working. He was swinging through the ball..... CRACK!! The ball hits the top of the door opening, ricochets off and hits the MIL squarely in the forehead dropping her like a bad habit.


The day after the funeral the feller was back out on the course when he slices his tee shot and puts it right in front of the equipment barn. His golf partner says, "Why don't you live a little and shoot it through the barn?" The feller burst into tears and throws himself to the ground. His stunned golf partner says, "Buddy, I didn't mean to get you so upset...." The feller sobs, "The last time I was here [sniff] I hit this very same shot [sniff] and my MIL tells me [sniff] shoot it through the barn .[sniff] I did and it..... and it..... and it cost me two strokes!

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

My wife and I started our annual Christmas traditions with the watching of "White Christmas", which ABC Family showed Saturday night. Well, actually, I should say that they managed to sandwich in White Christmas around their ridiculous number of commercials. The worst thing was when they cut out parts of the movie and cut right in the middle of Danny Kaye and Vera Ellen's first song and dance together. Totally ridiculous.

That movie has some great lines, though.

Bob Wallace: You don't expect me to get serious with the kind of characters you and Rita have been throwing at me, do you?
Phil Davis: Well, there have been some nice girls, too, you know.
Bob Wallace: Oh yeah, yeah. Like that nuclear scientist we just met out in the hall.
Phil Davis: All right, they didn't go to college. They didn't go to Smith.
Bob Wallace: Go to Smith? She couldn't even spell it.

:laugh:

 

How will I ever sleep knowing the freezer is empty of deer steak?