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Serious question

Reynolds

Well-Known Member
Site Supporter
I have been struggling with this for a while. I can usually get clarity on something but this is giving me fits.

We have an attendee at our church that has been coming a couple of months. I used to go to church with him a couple years ago at another church. I saw some things that happened between him and youth that just caused all my retired law enforcement red flags to go up. He left that church, so I never had to deal with it. Since then I have heard rumors about him and a very young woman.
Last week a deacon at the last church he attended told me that he heard this man was attending our church. I said yeah he is. The deacon said “watch him. He is not what he claims to be. “ Deacon then said “Watch him real close, especially around young girls. “. Deacon then said “We don’t think he did anything at our church, but one of the teenage girls got a restraining order against him and he had to leave before anything happened. “. I have verified the restraining order was issued.

How do I handle this? To best of my knowledge, I am only one in our church that knows.
 

Reformed

Well-Known Member
Site Supporter
I have been struggling with this for a while. I can usually get clarity on something but this is giving me fits.

We have an attendee at our church that has been coming a couple of months. I used to go to church with him a couple years ago at another church. I saw some things that happened between him and youth that just caused all my retired law enforcement red flags to go up. He left that church, so I never had to deal with it. Since then I have heard rumors about him and a very young woman.
Last week a deacon at the last church he attended told me that he heard this man was attending our church. I said yeah he is. The deacon said “watch him. He is not what he claims to be. “ Deacon then said “Watch him real close, especially around young girls. “. Deacon then said “We don’t think he did anything at our church, but one of the teenage girls got a restraining order against him and he had to leave before anything happened. “. I have verified the restraining order was issued.

How do I handle this? To best of my knowledge, I am only one in our church that knows.
It's a delicate balancing act. On the one hand you don't want to expose the church to civil liability that, in the absence of evidence, it leaks that this person is being "watched". On the other hand there is the concern for the young ladies in your church. If anything were to happen, and you knew the potential for it to happen, that's a heavy burden to carry. Pray about approaching your elders about your concerns. Let them know that you have no evidence but you were given a heads up by a person who has knowledge of why he left his previous church. I would also admonish the elders to treat the information delicately because of the liability the church could face it if impugns anyone's character.
 

5 point Gillinist

Active Member
I have been struggling with this for a while. I can usually get clarity on something but this is giving me fits.

We have an attendee at our church that has been coming a couple of months. I used to go to church with him a couple years ago at another church. I saw some things that happened between him and youth that just caused all my retired law enforcement red flags to go up. He left that church, so I never had to deal with it. Since then I have heard rumors about him and a very young woman.
Last week a deacon at the last church he attended told me that he heard this man was attending our church. I said yeah he is. The deacon said “watch him. He is not what he claims to be. “ Deacon then said “Watch him real close, especially around young girls. “. Deacon then said “We don’t think he did anything at our church, but one of the teenage girls got a restraining order against him and he had to leave before anything happened. “. I have verified the restraining order was issued.

How do I handle this? To best of my knowledge, I am only one in our church that knows.
I'd definitely go to your pastor and elders, and have them keep their eyes open for concerning behavior. Sounds like there is just cause for suspicion that should be shared with Church leadership.
 

Judith

Well-Known Member
Site Supporter
You should take the information you have to the Pastor. The Pastor should then verify as much as he can and then confront the person if need be.
 

JonC

Moderator
Moderator
I would try to meet with the man, with a pastor (I do not know how your church leadership os structured, if multiple pastors I would request another as well).

You do not want your silence to result in a woman being abused, but you also do not want to assume the guy is guilty. I think it is important not to make this an issue of gossip within your church but also to address the concern.

If the man is innocent and it is gossip he deserves to know what is being said and defend his reputation.
Your church members also deserve to have a safe place to worship.

I believe the first step is conversation.


My old church, long after I moved, had an issue with the youth pastor. At a camp a girl had a crush on the pastor snd told another they were in a relationship. That day the rumor got back to the pastor snd he simply fired the youth pastor. Turns out the girl was just talking, no inappropriate behavior occurred. But the firing of this youth pastor was devastating to the church. Many members left (not because rumors about the youth pastor but be ause he was fired based on gossip whi h ended up being false). The pastor ended up leaving.

A simple conversation would have revealed that the youth pastor talked to the girl with his wife present (he would not be alone with the youth, regardless of gender).
 

John of Japan

Well-Known Member
Site Supporter
First of all, I believe the pastor has the authority to simply tell someone not to come back if they are not a member. If they are a member, church discipline is necessary.

In this case, even if the man is not a member yet, I would say that the steps of church discipline in Matt 18 due to the seriousness of the situation. So first of all the pastor must know. Then, a meeting ought to be set up with the deacons (or other mature believers) in which the man, innocent until proven guilty, is allowed to defend himself. If possible, evidence should be obtained. If the man is guilty, then he should be asked never to come back. If he is provably innocent, steps should be taken to protect his innocence.

An uncle of mine had a serial adulterer in his church, and went through these steps. The man denied everything in the meeting, but was caught dead to rights when a woman he was involved with recorded phone calls. The man then went to another church to continue his sins, but my uncle was then able to inform the other pastor, give the evidence, and prevent problems at the other church.

If the matter is not dealt with, some innocent young lady may have her life ruined. For a historical example, remember the infamous Dave Hyles, who ruined multiple young lives as a youth leader then a pastor, because his sins were not dealt with.

Also, dealing strongly with the sinner is designed to help him get back on track, as witness the case of church discipline Paul discussed that took place in Corinth.
 

Scarlett O.

Moderator
Moderator
The pastor and perhaps one or two elders need to know about the restraining order which is a public record issue. The pastor needs to discuss this with the man and get his side of the story. This is VERY sensitive. And cannot be ignored.
 
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