Struggling With In-laws

Some in-laws are not capable of being friends with their children. In our case, we dont try anymore. Maybe thats not the best attitude. Nothing we do is good enough. We arent successful enough. We dont come visit enough (they are retired).

I have a teacher friend who is about to become a mother in law, and I think she will be wonderful. She and her husband give them space to make their own decisions and are there to lend support when they realize the mistakes they have made.

Now, how to get a parent to this point is beyond me. Surely it takes maturity on both the kids and parents. Hard to have it all, I guess.

 

Nice points here drfuss.

Inlaws (and daughter) need to know that they are not the head of your home. That they are not the daughter's police/judge/jury/punisher of the husband.

 

Hmm, I want to laugh, but I'm afraid it would be misunderstood, so I'm just going to snicker a bit and give you some of my experience. (so you'll know, I'm a wife)

I have the set of controlling, want to be all up in our business parent who think if we would only do just what they tell us to do we would be sooooo much better off. Since they were this way with me as a child and I hated it, there was no way I was going to take my problems to them! I went to his parents instead!

No really, if I had something that I just couldn't get him to to listen to me about, I went to his mother, who of course took it to his father, who of course took it back to my husband. Sometimes this was the only way I could get my husband to pay attention to what I was thinking about an issue. There were times, due to youth and/or sin, that he simply didn't want to hear that he shouldn't be doing something or that he SHOULD be doing something else. He didn't go to church, so I had no recourse there. He had no close friends, so I had no recourse there. And he was stubbornly ignoring my needs, my wishes, and at a couple of points our marriage. He was often selfish and disrespectful.

Now, after a few years and coming close to divorce more than once he and I learned few things. (you didn't think I was completely innocent did you?) He learned to LISTEN. Not take it for granted that since I could finish his sentences for him, I could also read his mind.

I learned that outside interference from family members is something best left for the big things: abuse, adultery(a term I use loosely to include anything that a husband might put between himself and his wife), and total financial ruin to the point the kids are going naked and hungry.

Now, it took us 19 years this November to get to this point. Marriage is work!

Now the big problem when we first married and for a number of years after was that I didn't have any other place to go to rant and rave when he made me mad, except his mother. This wasn't his fault but he certainly didn't help things any! We immediately moved from where I lived and had friends to an apartment close to his parents and where we had no phone! I was essentially cut off from everyone I had known and could have used as a sounding board for the problems we were having. Once we got to a point to where I could have good lady friends of my own that I could discuss things with, I often could could figure out how to deal a problem without anyone else saying anything to my husband at all!

So if I might, let make the suggestion that you encourage your wife to keep in contact with her friends (hopefully wise Christian friends) or to make new friends among the married ladies at your church (especially those who have been married a while). This way she can talk out the temper you left her in this morning and be over it by the time you walk in the door. 90% of the time once I'm through being mad, I can see my husband's side of things. Usually just takes one discussion with my best friend.

Long reply just to tell you to make sure you are really listening to your wife and to make sure she has someone she can talk to when she thinks you're not listening, wasn't it. That's my last point: women just have to talk! It is part of us. If we can't talk to you, we will find someone else who is willing to listen. Wouldn't you rather she be talking to her parents than to your boss (or bosses wife, old girlfriend, your parents, your siblings.......:smilewinkgrin: )?