I trust the Lord has used our example in places we cannot see and in homes where we have not been.
I wish I had such a happy example but my battle against abortion comes from a different place.
I come at the argument against abortion as one who feels deceived and had fell into the trap. In my early 20’s I wasn’t a Christian, I might have identified with being a Christian over say a Jew, a Mormon or an Atheist, but I now know how lost I was. I had already gotten a girl pregnant, had a baby exactly 8 months 2 ½ weeks after I asked this cute little Hispanic girl out that was cutting my hair that late Friday afternoon which turned into a weekend date, married her when our daughter was 3 weeks old thinking that gave me some sort of “rights” in the situation and got separated 3 months later and then divorced wherein I got the “right” to pay child support for the next 18 years for a child I rarely got to see.
This followed a list of failed relationships and pretty much solidified that from then on I stayed out of relationships, I told one girl the reason I wasn’t seeing her anymore is that I had learned her last name and that crossed the line of getting too personal. So you get the idea that I was seriously done making commitments…
Next thing you know this girl I was seeing told me she pregnant, she said she understood that I wasn’t interested in getting married and starting a family and that it was pretty easy to get an abortion and she would set it up but asked me to take her to the appointment. We “took care of this” early, like at 4-6 weeks because we didn’t want “it” to have time to turn into a baby. That was a concern to me, I asked around a bit, there was no internet back then and I asked a few people who told me what they had heard that at such an early stage “it” was no more than a clump of fetus cells. That was the message “Planned Parenthood” put out there for people who were inquiring…who else was I to trust if not these “experts” in the field?
So, I gave my girlfriend that ride, all along my conscience was speaking to me but I just didn’t want to deal with it. When I drove up I looked for those protesters I’d heard about and kind of wished one would be there and come up and talk to me, when my girlfriend started walking across the parking lot I almost called her back, I don’t think she really wanted to get the abortion and if I were to commit to starting a family she would have forgone the procedure, BUT it would have been shocking to her to hear me switch from my callous ways and make such a suggestion.
All along my conscience was really speaking to me, I almost yelled her name as she went into the door, I started to panic after she went in. What if this was wrong? Maybe we should talk about it some more. I considered going in after her while knowing myself well enough that if they didn’t let me talk to her I would be kicking down doors and WW3 was about breakout in the abortion clinic.
BUT, long story short, I decided to accept the devil’s lies that it was just a clump of cells. I agreed with the argument that I wasn’t ready to commit and that this was a way out, “it was better this way”. Time passed as I sat there doing nothing as all these thoughts starting rushing into my head and I figured it was now too late, so I turned up the radio and I lit up a joint to ease the pain I was feeling and waited for her to come back out. It didn’t take very long and when she came back I was wondering, hoping maybe, that she changed her mind. Such was not the case, it was done.
Today, I feel lied to but I still blame myself for not protecting my child. It has to be my biggest regret in life. I was selfish and a fool. The Devil won that one, he lied to me and took advantage of my naivety. He took advantage of me when I was broken and weak. If I could go back and change one thing in my life this moment would be it. In fact, God knows I would give my life for that opportunity. I’ve prayed many prayers of shame since then and express my sorrow.
This is why, today, I take this battle with those promoting abortion very personal. I consider it a battle against the Devil that I once lost but now have returned to face the matter, knowing better, Jesus as my Master, truth as my guide and a conscience that won’t be backing down from what my heart tells me between right and wrong. I won’t get that chance for a do over but I’ll never stand by and allow the Devil to tell these lies in my presence while I do nothing.
