Originally posted by Helen:
I'm 54 and a grandmother of three now. I have an artificial knee that is 22 years old and my leg is starting to stiffen up sometimes. I have arthritis in my thumbs and big toes (!) and some major surgery coming up in January. I'll be in bed for about two months after.
Yes, I need help. Especially since my husband has to spend a lot of time with HIS invalid sister in Australia!....
But my kids care -- possibly because we all have cared for MY mother who is 81 now and just came flying through major back surgery like a champ!
Caring is learned. It just doesn't happen like a weed in a garden. It is a cultivated plant. I taught my children to care. I taught them to be involved. And that may be a big key to the issue in a lot of ways.
I understand the frustration and pain of seeing elderly folks unattended by their children. And I cannot speak for every situation, obviously -- some kids turn out rotten no matter what -- but I wonder if there are not two sides to some of these stories. Maybe mommy and daddy both worked and the child had to learn to think of and for himself. That is what he learned to do.....
Sometimes there is more than we know going on. My mom has gotten so cranky that there is one of my sisters she doesn't want to see at all! Should that sister be blamed for honoring my mother's wishes? All my mom does when my sister is around is bring up all the bad things my sister ever did!....
I have thought about this thread in view of several things I have seen recently in my church and other places. Helen puts flesh on some of the issues very well.
Many times there IS far more than what is visible on the surface. A child that seems so neglectful may have been trained by his parents to be super-independent, and never rely on them for help.
I have seen families in which people in their 20's had catastrophic problems and received no help from family. The family seemed to think the person, no matter what, needed to be independent. Then when the parents are elderly, they reap the "benefits" of the independent attitudes they taught.
People just plain are living longer, and the church collectively needs to work on new structures of caring. I don't have any brilliant ideas. But I have come across a number of very elderly people who do not get that much help from children because those children are in their 60's or 70's and need help themselves.
For that matter, when I was pregnant and bed-fast and had a small child, I would have been hard-pressed to help my parents or grandparents. My mother came and helped me. Good thing my grandparents did not need help at the same time.
I have one friend whose 105 year-old grandmother is in a lot better shape than his 80-year-old parents.
Many older people seem to get more stubborn as they develop more problems. One of my friends is 87 and steadfastly refuses to "burden" her family. She fails to realize that in her situation she makes life a lot harder for them than if she would move in with or next door to them. From first glance, people could easily assume that her children are neglecting her. But they are not young either, and have complications to deal with.
Just like homeschool and women and jobs, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Situations differ greatly. I expect that my parents will ultimately live with me, but there are some conditions they could develop that I would not be able to handly physically, and then other alternatives would have to be evaluated.
I guess one of my main points is that if you see a family situation that really bothers you, ask how you can help. Your concerns may be God prompting YOU to do something.
Karen
