The Most Unpopular Post on the Baptist Board

Yes, I was involved in one for over ten years. I recommend it.
It is true and wrong that some have no visitors. However, there can be a lot more than you think. My grandmother, for instance, if you had asked her, would have said that she didn't have visitors. However, she did have them. She just didn't remember five minutes later. Still worth while to visit though.

Karen

 

I have done Nursing Home ministries for years and it is definitely depressing.

First problem - Materialism- We move from the home ground to get the best job that we can which does not need to be bad, but often we go for the money and perks without a lot of prayer. Then we get so wrapped up and we are so far away we just do not have the time to call and visit the folks as much as we might say that we would like to do.

Second problem - We passed the care of the elderly from the family and the Church over to the Govt. A very bad move. How many churches support widows indeed? Most are struggling just to pay their bills and the kids get so wrapped up in debt by pursuing problem number 1 that they have no funds or the ability to take in their parents. If the wife is a at home, you might be able to do so, but with both working it is nearly impossible unless husband and wife work different shifts which is not good for the marriage.

The days of the Waltons are gone and what we have we are stuck with until the Church at least gets back to caring for widows indeed and the pastors preach a bit more on caring for the family.

 

I have thought about this thread in view of several things I have seen recently in my church and other places. Helen puts flesh on some of the issues very well.
Many times there IS far more than what is visible on the surface. A child that seems so neglectful may have been trained by his parents to be super-independent, and never rely on them for help.
I have seen families in which people in their 20's had catastrophic problems and received no help from family. The family seemed to think the person, no matter what, needed to be independent. Then when the parents are elderly, they reap the "benefits" of the independent attitudes they taught.
People just plain are living longer, and the church collectively needs to work on new structures of caring. I don't have any brilliant ideas. But I have come across a number of very elderly people who do not get that much help from children because those children are in their 60's or 70's and need help themselves.
For that matter, when I was pregnant and bed-fast and had a small child, I would have been hard-pressed to help my parents or grandparents. My mother came and helped me. Good thing my grandparents did not need help at the same time.

I have one friend whose 105 year-old grandmother is in a lot better shape than his 80-year-old parents.
Many older people seem to get more stubborn as they develop more problems. One of my friends is 87 and steadfastly refuses to "burden" her family. She fails to realize that in her situation she makes life a lot harder for them than if she would move in with or next door to them. From first glance, people could easily assume that her children are neglecting her. But they are not young either, and have complications to deal with.
Just like homeschool and women and jobs, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Situations differ greatly. I expect that my parents will ultimately live with me, but there are some conditions they could develop that I would not be able to handly physically, and then other alternatives would have to be evaluated.

I guess one of my main points is that if you see a family situation that really bothers you, ask how you can help. Your concerns may be God prompting YOU to do something.

Karen

 

I care for my elderly mother. She has lived with us for 5 years. My brother rarely calls or offers any help. I know he is busy with a job, but I could use a break He lives very close by.
I have to hurry whenever I go to the store. I can be gone no longer than about 2 hrs. at a time. She uses a walker at home and a wheelchair when going out. I love my mom, but sometimes I could scream, I get so stressed.

Susan

 

You know, as long as I can, I will care for my mom. I also know that one day she may need to go in a nursing home because of her crippling arthritis. This saddens me, because I have visited a nursing home with ladies from church and it depressed me a great deal. I cried all the way home. These people are starved for attention.
You can see it in their eyes. It breaks my heart that some have no family that will come and see them. To think you lived all your life and have this to look forward to. A small room and a few personal items. So sad. When we visited, you could tell they didn't want you to leave. God bless these beatiful people. If every Christian would just go one time to a nursing home, it would leave them humbled.

Susan

 

One of the best things I can recall my parents modeling for me was back in the early 1970's. My great-grandmother was 98 at the time, and adamantly refused to be placed in a nursing home environment. She was prone to fall, required around the clock care for her failing sytems, and was in advanced stages of senility. Her home was basically untenable by then, as I remember, and my grandparents (Mamaw being one of two surviving daughters) had myriad of medical problems themselves. My parents offered to bring this sweetest of elderly women into our own home for as long as it took. I was a teen, with two younger sisters who watched as the transition began. My sisters had to share their room as Granny (my Dad's grandmother) took the smaller room. I remember very little of the experience. Granny repeatedly got out of the house, wandering away, and most of the time did not remember our names. My mom changed sheets daily, and my Dad washed them, but I recall no word of complaint. My mom prepared special meals for her diet, only to watch it go uneaten, but there was no resentment. When Granny became more agitated to the notion of staying with us rather than visiting, she seemed to "plan" escapes and get-aways, mostly in the dead of night. In our limited way, we were no longer able to provide the care, quantity or quality that she needed, as she was now over 100. My parents finally called the other daughter who had "abandoned" her elderly mom, and asked that they provide for her immediate needs, as Granny was not repeatedly asking for her. We drove her down to Corpus Christi where my Great Aunt lived, and helped her "visit" her daughter. Within a week, my Granny was placed into a nursing home. She "got lost" so often and "eloped" that the facility put her in restraints. She died a week later.

My point, is to affirm something sheeagle had written earlier; caring is a learned behavior. My parents modeled how to do it in an honoring and sacrificing way. I am more grateful tonight, for following this thread, and recalling the details I've shared, details which I've never expressed before. Hopefully, their example to me was not in vain, nor will I fail to pass that same example to my children as we reach out to our parents in their later years, and to the elderly around us.

Thanks to all of you for your posts and your caring hearts.

David

 

This is definitely an unpopular subject as we do not want to think that our parents or even ourselves will be dependent on others, but it happens.

My brother and his wife are the ones who have taken care of my parents through the years. He worked with my Dad and my Dad made arrangements for them to take care of my Mom. My other brother visits her often.

I have helped when I can. In the past I had an ill husband who needed my care. I tried to give attention to both, but I lived about 5 hours away from my parents.

I do know that my son has always been there for me even though he has a wife and five children. When his Dad died, he said he would take care of me. Now I was only 56, so I told him I didn't need taking care of. But I know that if I called him today and needed him, he would drop everything he is doing and help me. (He might send his wife, who is like a daughter to me or one of his children, but I would receive any help I need.)

As a mother, I know that his wife and children come first before me.

I have instructed my son and my present husband that if I get to the point that I can not take care of myself, I want to go to a Nursing Center.

 

\o/ Glory to the Lord \o/

\o/ Praise be to Jesus \o/

SheEagle911: "And if someone has been born-again and walks
the walk, not just talks the talk, they will
become a giver, (following the example of Jesus),
especially when it comes to taking care of family. Amen? "

Amen, Sister SheEagle911 -- Preach it!
Furthermore, the principle speaker of the local
church should speak it. The teachers of the church
should teach it. The leaders of the church should
organze to minister to the elderly.

 

And so your post HAS NOT become the most unpopular post on this board. You have called attention to a subject that might not weigh heavily on most of our minds. You have placed the burden of truth where it belongs, on each of us, to ask ourselves when it comes to the aged.

If there were readers and posters that hadn't thought about their parents in some time, your post just woke them up.

Thanks for thinking the thoughts and taking the risks.

Now, on with the topic....

 

. . .On my mother's side of the family, her father was bedridden with crippling arthritis from the time that the 6 children were young. One of my unclesused to take care of his particular needs. In theri adult life, one brother and sister remained in the brownstone with their mother (my Nana) when she was finally bedridden and took care of her till her death. On my father's side, his mother lived till 90. The last 5 years or so in a nursing home. He literally visited her just about everyday. He would wash and take care of her feet, comb and brush her hair, and bring pictures of her grand kids (my sister and cousins) and tell her what was going on. During holidays, we would take her out of the home and she would be a part of the family gatherings.

My mother now has Alzheimer's. They have allowed me to remain home and chase after my dream of music when I was ready to give it all up and get a "real" job, and when i went through my own problems.

My father and I take care of her. I am nobody special, no "great saint," but I hope to continue the tradition I have learned from both sides of my family.

Brett