Troubled Marriage...need advice

Oh the threads not worth reading other than Scarlett's post.

http://www.baptistboard.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi/topic/10/4578/4.html?

 

M??? Let me put my hand on what I think will help you guys tremendously! Its gonna be hard to swallow what I say--but if you receive the truth from the word of Scripture--and begin to apply it to your lives, I believe you may see light at the end of the tunnel!!

What does the Bible say???

"A man shall _________ his father and mother and shall _________ unto his wife. And the two shall be one _________."

As much as it might hurt---he's got to "kiss daddy and momma goodbye!"----don't swing a deal with daddy about the "studeo" house---don't borrow a dime from daddy---they'll always be a crutch for him! The remedy to your marriage is not leaving YOU-----but its in leaving THEM!! I'm not saying---turn his back on them and act as if they no longer exist---oh, no! Rather than turn his back on them---he needs to turn his head toward you!!! You and him as "one flesh"---inseperable partners! Him and you---not him, you, and his parents!!!

Marriage takes hard work--it ain't no picnic! But he'd come out better saving his marriage by working on IT---and not on these other things!! The Bible also says that the husband is the savior of the wife---see Ephesians 5---v. 23 talks about the husband as the savior of the wife in a picture!! He's gonna have to change his mind---for the mind of the Lord Jesus Christ!

Brother David

 

M, is HE happy?

 

-walks in and whistles-

M I know how you feel. MY family And I live with my father and it is VERY hard at times to get what I want across. I have a few suggestions for you, which at first may be difficult BUT, they will do the trick and become wonderful habits.

If thier house is filty, Clean it up. Love where you live, even if you cannot move. It is your home as long as you are in it. MAke it an expression. If his mother dosen't like you cleaning maybe she will do something about it.

For some VERY helpful and uplifting help in that dept
http://flylady.net ..... TRUST me it works

Second thing i'm going to suggest.

GO out on a date with your husband. HAVE some alone time OUT of that house.

And hun, let go of being so upset. Take a breath and take control. LEad by example. Hun there is one thing, men are the "rulers" of the house, but they couldn't do it without us. Sometimes they need an example to live by. Be one of encoragement and peace. TRUST me I heard this once and just snorted. But, i'll tell you now, it was the best advice i've ever recieved.

 

Again M, NONE of this is grounds for divorce or leaving him. You made your choice in husbands and also agreed to the 'studio'. If it's nearing sheetrock stage, you're almost there. I'd be outside everynight helping in anyway I could to get that little home finished.

 

Our daughters in laws have a house like this and they're quite wealthy. There's a hole in the kitchen floor covered with a black plastic bag. You could actually fall through to a sub floor if you stepped there, I'm told. Our daughter won't allow her girls to go there.

 

I know what I would do, but that doesn't help you any.

This is a very difficult situation. Diane is correct. This certainly is not grounds for divorce.

If you left, would your husband follow you?

Do you have a job? I might work two or three jobs just to get out of this situation.

Perhaps you can suggest that he leave with you?

Are you obligated to live with the parents?

Blackbird has given you very sound advice.

I just read your post that answered some of my questions.

Explain again why you are obligated to build this studio. Perhaps you can move out and complete the studio, but not live there.

 

I would say that you have to do something to get your husband's attention, and that something would not be complaining, griping, etc.

Perhaps he has lived this way all his life and is comfortable with it. You say he was not like this when you married him?

 

Bless your heart M, you have landed in the middle of it, haven't you?

My husband's family are all packrats as well. Maybe I should say he and his family are all packrats, cause sometimes HE is worse than they. I've done the packrat thing, over and over.

I hope you have a lot of energy, cause you are going to need it. Everyone here has already given you some excellent advice. You should listen to them.

For your household situation, I'm going give you a couple of things that might help. First off, you have to give yourself tunnel vision. Only see that which you chose to see and can do something about. Don't worry or fret over things you can't change. Don't blame your husband for things he can't change. See to it that YOUR relationship with your inlaws is in order. Love them even if you don't want to. Be cheerful(this takes constant work). My MIL hated me when T and I first married. We are the best of friends now. But it wasn't easy. It's their money, if they want to spend it on movies let them. They probably think they are SAVING money by buying the DVD's instead of going to the theatre or renting. They are, we do this at our house.

Is your husband keeping up with his doctor visits? He may need a new antidepressant or he may have other health issues going on. Right after our third child was born my husband became a booger bear. You couldn't talk to him and if something went wrong I had to deal with it. The kids were afraid of him. He caught a cold one day and went to the doc for it. While there the doc discovered that his sugar and blood pressure were wildly off. While getting both problems under control helped it didn't entirely solve his grouchyness. It took a couple of antidepressants to find one that worked.

Now for some practical help: in the bathroom, get yourself some Comet bathroom cleaner for the tub. Spray it on, wipe it off with a damp sponge. If the countertops have lost their finish ask you MIL if you can put some Contact paper over them. It'll freshen up the bathroom and if you buy the right kind it's waterproof. I used it under one of my sinks for years because I couldn't figure out where the leak was. It cleans easily.

Dust from the dryer vent can be controlled quite nicly with an old nylon sockie. Just slip it over the vent and remember to change it out once a week or so depending on the amount of lint that accumulates. My mother vented her dryer in the house for years "to save on the heat bill".

The bottle collection can be washed in the dishwasher. They will come out sparkling and your MIL will love you for it. If you don't have one, get a friend to let you borrow theirs. Wash on the china setting of the dishwasher.

One more thought: Your husband may be feeling guilty that his parents house is in the condition it is while the two of you are building new. You may want to approach him about fixing his parents house as soon as yours is finished(or now if that is what he wants).

All of marriage is a sacrifice. Be prepared and willing to let your goals go for a time in order to do things in a way that will honor God, your husband and your inlaws.

May God Bless You.

 

M, I'm saying a prayer for you. I lived in a house like that once and it about killed my spirit and my marriage. We didn't have a dime but left anyway. Decided they "WE" had to get out to get away from the holes, termites, ect.

I'm always here for you to vent to, just pm me and i'll listen for as long as it takes. If it were me and I was to the point your at, I would be out working on that house myself (just kidding) but, I wish I could find some way to help you.

Let me know what I can do, please.

 

Oh my, "putting on airs" sounds just like some of my relatives. Keep it up, but do it sweetly so even if they think you are being uppity they won't mind it.

Contact paper may not say it is waterproof but it is. Do not make a mistake and get shelf paper. You must buy sticky back Contact paper. This will feel like plastic(and cut like it). Make sure you overlap about an inch and press the overlap well. This will help your seams to be waterproof.

DO NOT go to your husbands doctor without his knowledge! That would be a breach of trust. Instead tell him that you have been worried about how tired he seems all the time and you would like the doctor to explain the side effects of his meds to you. Make it all a part of trying to help him, otherwise he will become defensive and you will get no where fast.

Also if he says no this time, stay home and work on him for next time. Always let him make the final decision. That is his right as head of the marriage. If you can do it quietly, enlist his mothers help in this. If she thinks it is a good idea it is a good bet he will too. (BTW, T caught on to this one fast, but it still works)

One more piece of advice: Staying to keep from ruining family relationships ain't going to cut it. You MUST start looking at this from God's perspective. It is only with HIS help that you will make it through victoriously. And it will not happen overnight. It took ya'll 5 years to get into this shape, it may take ten to get out of it. If you only have family relationships supporting you, you'll never make it. You have to have God himself helping through this. Make sure you spend time every day on your knees asking for His help to make YOU what you should be. Then pray for your family. It all has to start with you because they don't see a problem. They have probably always lived like this and are in a rut so deep they'll never dig themselves out.

 

A few things,
While I wait for the tires to be put on my truck.

I also believe that Blackbird has given you very sound biblical advice. Take these verses:

Mark 10:7 (KJV)
7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
Mark 10:8 (KJV)
8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
Mark 10:9 (KJV)
9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Hang them on the wall and see if your husband can read the writing on the wall. (Dan 5:25) When he asks you why it is there, tell him to remind yourself that you and he as a couple are “one flesh” and he is the head. You don’t need to tell him that you are the body and the neck that turns the head any direction it goes, nor do you need to tell him you are the feet, hands and heart of this body. If the heart says it’s time for a change and the feet start walking the head is sure to follow. My 2 cents: Your depressed husband is in the wrong comfort zone and needs to be removed from the situation, start making plans to save enough money and rent a small place.

In the mean time know this: That Satan has many weapons in this world. Do you and-or your husband have your armor on? (Eph 6:10) How sharp is your sword? (Heb 4:12)

Realize that Gods words CUT like a two-edged sword, that the bible is the instruction book for life and you must know and understand His words of wisdom in your heart to defeat Satan’s fiery darts. Read about the love and faith that David had for God in Psalms, Proverbs, and the NT to start. As you read and God touches your heart-situation, highlight the verses right in your bible. Get yourself a spiral notebook with 3x5 cards and write them down, memorize them, meditate on them, put them in an order and when you feel like crying or can’t sleep go through them. This is your sword, your strength.

God makes you many promises and gives you many blessings when you do things His way. He always keeps His promises, bank on it, His blessing may not come the way you think they should, but be patient and trust in Him.

Luke 11:9 (KJV)
9And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Start knocking and He will give you PEACE and HOPE. BTW hope isn’t something that you see, it’s something that you feel. (Romans 8:24-26)

Now when your husband says he’s lazy and proud of it:

Proverbs 6:6 (KJV)
6Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise:
Proverbs 6:7 (KJV)
7Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler,
Proverbs 6:8 (KJV)
8Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.
Proverbs 6:9 (KJV)
9How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?
Proverbs 6:10 (KJV)
10Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:
Proverbs 6:11 (KJV)
11So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.

Lay this on him, cut him up with your sharpened sword. GODS WORDS ARE POWERFUL, plant the seeds and let God do the work. Watch how fast your husband stops saying he’s lazy when he hears this every time!

Now your saying your with your husband because you had nowhere else to go, because your dad talked you into it, YOUR depressed husband. You are NOT building him up or putting a crown on his head with these statements. Remember your hands (one flesh) are for putting a crown on his head.

Proverbs 12:4 (KJV)
4A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 12:5 (KJV)
5The thoughts of the righteous are right: but the counsels of the wicked are deceit.

Satan wants you to believe that is why your with him!

Proverbs 31

Last but not least get that man in fellowship at church, tell him to stand up and be a man of God, it is his responsibility as a man of God and being the HEAD of your union. Make it a condition when he comes following the feet if you must. Lay this on him:

Ephesians 5:23 (KJV)
23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)
25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;


Love isn’t always hug and kisses, sometimes its discipline, stay in the Word,

Luke 8:15 (KJV)
15But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with PATIENCE.


All right, 5 cents!