Wedding Heartache

Ok, for the sake of discussion I will be the contrarian.
This is only the 17th of the month. Why are you so sure he is not going to pay you back?

We simply don't have enough information, and even if we did, it isn't our business. But it sounds like you are asking for advice on what is only a symptom. I note you said your wife's son, not your stepson.
Sounds like there may be some real relationship issues all around, which I doubt that this young man started all by himself.
We know nothing of your financial situation, how long you have been married, other children, a host of other factors.

No matter what stand you take "for his own good", you need to think about the manner of the stand or you will cause an even wider rift in your family.
Of course, you might cause a rift anyway.
But it does matter what kind of expectations and promises this young man was made by his parents, and how they raised him. Now you are coming along giving your wife a directive about her son. You may win the battle and lose the war.

I'm not saying to be his enabler. But I am saying don't treat him like you think he is a spoiled jerk. Have an honest talk, that you and your wife agree on, with him about your best wishes for him and what you can truly afford. Express a desire to be with him on such a happy and important day.
If my adult child had such a desire, and I had the money, I wouldn't have to be asked. I would be attending the wedding, too.
And hopefully some day in the future, when you have a financial need (yes, I realize this isn't a need) that he will help you rather than saying it's all up to you.

 

Well, I think you stated it quite succinctly. No need for more words than this! These are words of iron.

 

You bet, Hope of Glory. :thumbs:

 

Leave and cleave, baby, leave and cleave.

 

step one to a healthy family is to take the marriage more seriously than the ceremony.

Hey...I just came up with a good quote! [back-slapping smiley]

Hawg, I'm proud you guys stood strong. May God bless this marriage.

 

Please tell your wife she is in my prayers! I know that is hard, but it is the right thing to do! Whatever money you give to this wedding would only perpetuate his dependence on you. He has some hard lessons ahead that only he can learn.

My mother told me of when she was young and was sent away to another city to work. She wired her dad to send her $10 to last till payday. He wired back 'NO'. She said she never asked again, but that she never needed to ask again! She was a strong, self reliant woman who loved the Lord and raised her 3 children to do the same!

Continuing to give only cripples young people and keeps them from learning to care for themself and grow into truly independent adults! Yes, its hard! It is also God's way!

Remain strong, God will bless you!

 

Glad we could help. Keep us posted on the developments, and know that you're in our prayers. We also pray for their marriage, that it will honor God and bring them both closer to Him!

 

I have been through three wedding experiences ( two sons and one daughter). I paid for the sons' expenses, such as rehearsal dinner and flowers. Of course, my daughter's wedding required a much larger financial expenditure, which I gladly paid.

In your case, I think this is what I would do. I would decide how much I could afford to pay toward a wedding and give that amount to the couple as a wedding gift. I would give it freely and without guilt over the fact that I couldn't do more. If you son and wife-to-be have any maturity at all, they will understand that when dad and mom have done all they can do, that's all they can do. No need to strap yourself financially.

Most likely, you will have to eat your loss on the ring, especially if you son is not fiscally responsible. But don't let that become an issue in your relationship to him and your new daughter-in-law.

 

It will certainly be nice to foot any child's wedding, regardless of age, because as parents it is one expression of how much we love them, regardless of broken marriages, since broken marriages are not their fault at all, much as the birth of a child outside of marriage is the child's choice.

However, I think you are right in saying that the silver spoon ought to be pulled out of this guy's mouth, but do it slowly, and consider that your wife may not be saying anything at this point, but she actually might want to do what her son wants out of love for him.

The thing is be prepared to know and understand that no matter how gently you pull the silver spoon out of his mouth, he will attempt to bite on to it, and it might be a sore spot between you and him for a long time.

However, we gotta do what we gotta do.

My youngest son is 26 years old, unmarried, ungraduated, and have shifted college courses four times, and I suspect it is because the 200 dollars I send home to him every month affords him to live like a prince's son in our country.

I stopped sending him to school, stopped sending him money, and I recently received an email from him saying he's going hungry.

My reply: well, now, how do you like that at 26 ? Go sharecropping in a farm, plant rice, harvest it, work hard for the money, and remember that the world doesn't owe you a living. never did, never will.

Point ? We gotta harden our hearts at times.

 

It was a little unclear from your original post and the replies, but if the families are not also flying to the carribean to attend, I think the answer is a definite NO! I'm surprised they had the gall to ask.

I have two girls, and I hope to give them as much wedding as they dream of. But everyone here has it correct that the actual marriage is a million more times important, and any two people who love each other will ultimatly not care about the wedding. My wife and I had a fairly inexpensive wedding with no air conditioning (in Florida) and the power went out, but I could have cared less. I was marrying the woman of my dreams and she continues to be 7 years later.

As for the money, despite the fact that I have been saving for thier college since the day they were born, I will still probably need to take huge loans to get them through (and yes, it is my committment to pay for the undergraduate education and let them start without any debt...though they will be working summers!). Given that, I will probably already be in a finacial bind. However, I live to fulfill the dreams of the women in my life (all three of them) so I will do my best within reason to provide the wedding they are hoping for.