What to say - after the death of a person

[Salty]

What should you say and what NOT to say to a family member who has lost a loved one?

This link has 7 items to consider?

Are there other are things that should be on the list?

 

[Cathode]

Don’t say he died doing what he loved best. He could have been screaming his head off at the time.

I just hug the bereaved unless prompted otherwise, a hug can say everything.

 

[AustinC]

"I am sorry for your loss. I pray you can grieve well and find peace in the storm."

If I talk about the deceased it will be a positive memory of that person. I may also ask if there is a special and fun memory a person has of the deceased.

Those who grieve like it when you inquire about joyful memories they can share or when you share a joyful memory of the person who died.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

I don't say anything as my attempts at comforting over death don't work so well.

Typically I compare it to all the other kinds of deaths I've seen and I often think to myself "Well, that's not too bad. I've seen worse ways to go", but people don't understand that kind of comment unless they're ex-military that saw combat, or police, or EMS/Fire, or dispatchers.

If nobody had to:
-Scoop up guts
-Use multiple bags for one person
-Collect body parts
-Wipe poop off the skin
-Use a bucket because the patient had liquified

Then it could be worse and they should be happy their family member went in such a way.

A neighboring department had an obese guy that died in his house and had been there for a couple weeks. It was so bad they wore SCBAs to move him. When they tried to move him he started leaking all sorts of "juice", then his body split in half. After the volunteer firefighters were done vomiting they had to scoop up what was left of him with shovels.

It could always be worse!

 

[RighteousnessTemperance&]

I don't say anything as my attempts at comforting over death don't work so well. …

Yeah, I always do it wrong. One time, in line I arrived and didn’t say anything, just had a pitiful expression on my face and slightly shook my head. So one of the bereaved said, “I never know what to say.” I grinned and said, “That’s my line. You can say anything you want, or nothing at all.” We all laughed after that.

 

[Guvnuh]

With family it’s hugs and let’s do what needs to be done.
Others I try to keep it recent. Ask about the deceased illness, activities, complaints and recent behaviors.
Ask if I can help notify family, friends, pastor, priest etc.
I usually pray with them before leaving. I usually pray for peace over the next few days up to the funeral. That they would trust Him for his Grace that is sufficient to save and sustain. Whether there is sadness, anger, anxiety, bitterness or blame , I pray they will trust Him and call upon for his Grace.

95 percent of the time you tell the believers from the non believers.

 

[Silverhair]

I think the best words that I know of were told to me when my father past away. "Remember the good times."

 

[Martin Marprelate]

Job 2:13. 'So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that hid grief was great.'

It was when they started talking that the problems started.

 

[Van]

I have never wanted to speak at funerals or celebrations of life, but I have attended several of them, most either of family or members of our church.

Recently an Elder of our assembly passed away, and my eyes caught the eye of his wife, being beseeched by well wishers. She raised her hand and flapped her fingers, a wave of recognition and greeting. I waved back and we both knew there was nothing to say.

I had sent a card acknowledging that her husband had been one of my life long mentors.

 

[Scarlett O.]

Job 2:13. 'So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that hid grief was great.'

It was when they started talking that the problems started.

Thank you, brother!!!!

 

[Guvnuh]

Yes, silence is golden.
But, I often find I’m amongst more than one of deceased family members. It amazes me the amount of arguing and revelation of family feuds such an “outsider” may see.
Thus my prayer for grace.

 

[Scarlett O.]

I don't say anything as my attempts at comforting over death don't work so well.

Typically I compare it to all the other kinds of deaths I've seen and I often think to myself "Well, that's not too bad. I've seen worse ways to go", but people don't understand that kind of comment unless they're ex-military that saw combat, or police, or EMS/Fire, or dispatchers.

If nobody had to:
-Scoop up guts
-Use multiple bags for one person
-Collect body parts
-Wipe poop off the skin
-Use a bucket because the patient had liquified

Then it could be worse and they should be happy their family member went in such a way.

A neighboring department had an obese guy that died in his house and had been there for a couple weeks. It was so bad they wore SCBAs to move him. When they tried to move him he started leaking all sorts of "juice", then his body split in half. After the volunteer firefighters were done vomiting they had to scoop up what was left of him with shovels.

It could always be worse!

I struggled with this post for a few days now. Not knowing whether to respond or not.

Yes, there are peaceful ways to die and horrible ways to die.

But death is death. Separation is separation.

Are you saying that dying in morbid and grotesque ways "counts" more and overrides the necessary and healing grief process of a family who is mourning one who died in their sleep?

Because your post sounds exactly thus.

 

[Guvnuh]

The cause and manner of death and the age of the deceased may seriously effect the type of emotions we see or personally experience.

Ultimately though, as stated above,

“But death is death. Separation is separation.”

 

[Scarlett O.]

The cause and manner of death and the age of the deceased may seriously effect the type of emotions we see or personally experience.

It's possible sometimes.

But that's not what the poster was stating.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

Are you saying that dying in morbid and grotesque ways "counts" more and overrides the necessary and healing grief process of a family who is mourning one who died in their sleep?

Yes, it "counts more" as in it creates a higher hurdle for the family to overcome, and it does this in two ways:

1. The family member gets to witness a family member in a situation that they can't process. Family members can process Grandpa dying in his sleep after a ripe old age. It's harder for family members to process Grandpa getting chopped up by a garden tiller on a 100hp tractor, especially with all the "visuals" that get burned into their minds. When a person sees some kind of incident, they often wonder "how that happened". When you try to remember grandpa dying in his sleep, it's easy. When you try to remember grandpa getting chopped to bits in a tiller as your last memory of him it damages it.

2. Family member or not, grotesque deaths, where a human being is turned into something that doesn't resemble a human being creates a mental barrier to be overcome. When a body made in God's image is destroyed in an unnatural way it creates a mental barrier.

In a death where Grandma dies in her old age in sleeping in bed most family members can accept that easily within the first hour. Other kinds of death, I.E Grandpa in the garden tiller, are not as easily accepted.

Anything with kids, or young parents, or a generally grotesque death are not as easily accepted.

 

[Scarlett O.]

Yes, it "counts more" as in it creates a higher hurdle for the family to overcome, and it does this in two ways:

1. The family member gets to witness a family member in a situation that they can't process. Family members can process Grandpa dying in his sleep after a ripe old age. It's harder for family members to process Grandpa getting chopped up by a garden tiller on a 100hp tractor, especially with all the "visuals" that get burned into their minds. When a person sees some kind of incident, they often wonder "how that happened". When you try to remember grandpa dying in his sleep, it's easy. When you try to remember grandpa getting chopped to bits in a tiller as your last memory of him it damages it.

2. Family member or not, grotesque deaths, where a human being is turned into something that doesn't resemble a human being creates a mental barrier to be overcome. When a body made in God's image is destroyed in an unnatural way it creates a mental barrier.

In a death where Grandma dies in her old age in sleeping in bed most family members can accept that easily within the first hour. Other kinds of death, I.E Grandpa in the garden tiller, are not as easily accepted.

Anything with kids, or young parents, or a generally grotesque death are not as easily accepted.

Do you actually say things like, "oh well there are worse ways to go" to the bereaved? You did say that your attempts to comfort people don't go over well.

I have a former student [1] who was in a car wreck and could not open the door and burned to death. It was hard for her family and all of us to process this. But the fact that she is gone hurts the worst. Much worse.

I also have a former student [2] who died in her sleep last week. She just never woke up.

Both are devastating. Both caused great grief and both are a great loss.

I do not believe that how you die is the basis for gaging grief or judging how a family should grieve.

I did not tell the family of student [2] that "well, at least she didn't burn to death." nor did I think it.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

Do you actually say things like, "oh well there are worse ways to go" to the bereaved? You did say that your attempts to comfort people don't go over well.

If they ask my input, it will be to the effect of "It could have gone worse".

I do not believe that how you die is the basis for gaging grief or judging how a family should grieve.

I'm not asking anyone to believe it, I'm simply telling it. How someone dies impacts the grieving process. When my patients die in their sleep the family accepts it easily. When my patients don't die peacefully, the family does not accept it. You can believe what you want on it.

I did not tell the family of student [2] that "well, at least she didn't burn to death." nor did I think it

People don't think it until they've seen it. You are in line with 99% of other Americans.