Bad Advice Only

Don't do anything, they will go away on their own. Of course, you will be in heaven then.

How do I get the neighbors to quit throwing their cigarette butts in my yard close to the gas meter? raying:

 

Loosen one of the fittings on the meter. The neighbors will only throw one more butt in your yard. :flower:

My brother is a Cubs fan. How do I tell him that this year isn't his year either.

 

Give him the business card for a good psychiatrist and offer to pay for the first visit.

How do I keep my kids from growing up so fast?

 

A brick tied to the top of their head used to work. Today they seem to grow up even faster and stronger. You'll have to use something heavier. I would suggest an anvil.


My neighbor's tom cat keeps coming over and utterly whips my German Shepherd. Do I get rid of the Dog or the cat?

 

Neither. The tom cat is frustrated because he doesn't have a lady cat. Find a female kitty and the problem will be gone.

The teenager next door plays his guitar music so loud the house rattles. How can I make it stop?

 

Give it some time. Soon he will be interested in cars. He'll get one of those Fast and Furious type cars with the big coffee can exhaust... Oh, I forgot the 2500 watt stereo with the huge subs... boom, boom, BOOM. boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, BOOM....

My neighbors are complaining about my 2500 watt stereo and huge subs. boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, BOOM. How do I get them to leave me alone?

 

Go back in time and break into the set of "Get Smart" and bring back the cone of silence machine.


I need to work on my van Monday but my father and my son want to go fishing. How can I fix the vans water pump and go for a boat ride too? (Here lately that's all we've done is boat ride when we go fishing.

 

Bring the water pump with you and work on it while you're waiting for the fish to bite.

My hubby keeps getting holes in his socks. How can I prevent this?

 

Steal socks from your neighbor. He'll be putting holes in their socks instead.

Palatka51 needs padre's touch at the fishing hole. How do I convince madre that this constitutes a pastoral visit?

 

:laugh: Tell her that you are going to the fishing hole to do sermon research. To do that you need 12 of your best buds to reenact the "Net of Many Fishes" that Jesus did on the sea of Galilee.

How do I convince my wife that the way to avoid holy socks is for her to give me a pedicure and foot massage after a 12 hour day of work? (Trust me abcgrad94, that is the only way to prevent holy socks.)

 

You're going to have to post your advice, in larger font, and in bold type, making it seem a bit a bit louder for padredurand. He seems to have a bit of a concentration problem after listening to all the "boom boxes" while at the same time, suffering from chest pains.

As to your question, just set the dinner table and place the required pedicure accessories at her plate instead of the usual tableware. Then be sitting there with your feet propped up in her plate. She'll get the hint.

How do I keep people from being annoyed when I habitually run late, as I am a chronic 'latenik'?

Ed

 

What? Did you say something?

Do one of those head wagging motions and say, "Hello! Like I didn't say what time zone. If we were in California I'd be three hours early!" :wavey:

My mother in law has invited us to spend a few quiet days at her house. I asked if that meant she was not going to be there. She was offended but acted like she had forgotten the whole thing about 20 minutes later. How can I offend my MIL and get it to last longer-- say a month or two?

 

Don't worry! The ringing in your ears and the lack of focus in your eyeballs caused by the bruised eardrums should disappear in about another 4 mos. or so! Then you will be able to read what I wrote, provided you can find this thread whence it is buried, by then.

Tell her that you really were way too good for her daughter, but you still married her anyway! And repeat that each time you are around her. That should get the offense level up to a much longer period like maybe even for a permanent time.

What advice can someone give padredurand about how to keep warm in the unheated doghouse he will find himself living in, and to keep his outside water dish from freezing over, come next winter, when the temp drops below - 20*?

Ed

 

Magnesium strips and drier lent. For the water dish I suggest a tablespoon of antifreeze.


Padre will not give the invite over for a cup of coffee (Something about skunk smell). I would really like to share a cup of joe with the man but he's just not giving in. In fact I can't even get 10 feet near him. :laugh:

 

You might go on over and stop at the far end of the driveway. There should be plenty of room to construct a catapult or trebuchet there. Hook up Mr. Coffee to the portable gas generator you brought with you. Once the java is done, simply pull out the bull-horn, announce the incoming joe, and let 'er fly. Conversation can be a bit silly with bull-horns, however. I recommend bringing along the 'ol tin can and string phone. Just make sure there's plenty of string.

 

So.... how can you help confusion?

 

If you don't know who you are then you should
1. Go to the mirror
2. Take a picture of yourself
3. Post it on the internet with the caption "Have you seen me"?


I want to Ride my bicycle, but it's in the middle of the messy garage.

 

Beat and flog all posters.

Rake the garage.

I need to get a few things done and don't have time.