Bad Advice Only

Go with those three billy goats, and speak to the fella under that bridge....


My ice cream is melting......

 

don't add salt!

How to get rid of the ringing in one's ears?

 

Cut the phone cord.....



Hey, my cow won't give any more milk!!

 

Try using a catheter.

I am locked in at McDonalds. Help.

 

Walk in and say "hi"....

My pickle has lost it's crunch........

 

Put it in the microwave for five minutes.


My legs hurt from sitting so long.

 

Cut'em off, and they won't hurt any longer.


I can't stand loud noises.

 

Try sitting down when it happens again.

How to get the truth out of these smooth-talking politicians?

 

Turn the sound down and do your own talking.





I have to visit the inlaws. and don't want to.

 

Take a laxative. It will give you a legitimate excuse not to go without being dishonest.

How do I get privacy as a Residence Assistant here at the college? (I do believe it is courteous to knock before bursting into my room!)

 

Some blue dye in one these should do the trick:




I want to go mountain biking in the desert but it’s been raining which brought out the mosquitoes and they seem to like me too much.

 

Spray a lot of perfume on your arms and legs before you leave the house.


I have this bad habit of putting a pan of water on the stove to boil and while I am on the computer, I start to smell something...I have allowed the water to evaporate and ruin my pan. How can I break this bad habit before it causes a fire.

 

Buy a loud all stainless steel tea kettle to heat your water in and that way the pounding on your door from your neighbors over the noise should get you up to turn it off.

My new truck has one of those computer screen looking radio/phone/navigation thingies in the middle of my dash with all sorts of buttons that I’m apparently supposed to learn how to push in a certain order if I want anything to work right! Now what?

 

Learn to use it on a long road trip.


I am tired of going to McDonalds to get internet access.

 

Go over to your neighbor's house, crash on their couch, and say "thanks for the wifi".....


A bee won't quit buzzing around me.

 

Bait him with a flower on the seat of your chair, once he takes the bait sit on him, that should hold him still.

My wife doesn't understand why I need another dog - she thinks 5 is enough. How do I handle the news that it is too late?

 

Bring her some flowers and a case of dog food and tell her.



I am cold and can't turn off the AC.

 

I would suggest that you put on your winter coat.


I can't get my husband to eat veggies