Bad Advice Only

Nah, open all the windows and let the fresh air in.

My Pastor and I are singing a duet Sunday. Any advice?

 

Real men sing real loud, so make sure both of you belt out the song at the top of your lungs.

I'm tired of winter not being gone. Any suggestions?

 

Turn on the oven to 450 degrees and open the door. Then turn the ceiling fan on.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

 

Call and tell them you have to lay low, because there's a hit man looking for you.

I've got a client who claims to be addicted to chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and expects me to treat him. What to do?

 

To break him of his habit have him say "chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream" 10 times in a row. Each time he says it, shoot him in the face with a rubber band from less than 12 inches away.

A pitbull adopted my son. We now have 3 dogs. What to do?

 

Tell her you have to have one for each of the "people" you have inside you, as you've been secretly diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder.

My son's business is doing IT work for churches -- now the Satanists want a Wi-Fi network. What should I tell him to do?

 

Buy an axe and head on over. Kick the door in and say "Here's Johnny!"

I am going to a youth minister's luncheon today in Savannah. I'm carpooling with 2 other YM's I've never met before. I want to make a good impression. Your advice?

 

Make them wait for you ten minutes to prove your time is valuable, be sweating from a workout to show them you truly are a "mind body soul" kinda guy, give 'em a "dead fish" handshake so you don't crush their delicate fingers, don't use mouthwash or deodorant before you go to prove yourself frugal, and make sure every portion of your conversation is a portion or entirety of a Bible verse to prove you're learned. That should do it.

The Satanists want my son to replace their door. Should he? :laugh:

 

Tell him to burn their establishment to the ground and serve kool-aid and sugar cookies at the same time.

Going to visit some prospects tomorrow. Any advice?

 

Speak in tongues, tell them they better tithe "or else," ask them if they own a KJV and then harangue them about "Onlyism" for an hour and twenty minutes if they say "no" or about the narrow-minded aspects of "Onlyism" for an hour and forty-five minutes if they say "yes," tell the guy you've already got him penciled in for the evangelism, budget and missions committees and tell his wife you've got her scheduled for the next sixteen consecutive Sundays in the nursery, drink all their iced tea and eat the last piece of chocolate cake they have, say "Good night, I'll see you Sunday." But don't expect to.

I can afford to either buy new tires for my F-150 or get a root canal. Which should I do?

 

Neither, buy a Harley and take a ride to Sturgis and start your own biker weekend.

Having my new lazy boy recliner delivered tomorrow. Should I tip the driver?

 

Sure. Hand him a quarter and tell him not to spend it all in one place.

You know those tires I need? One of the old ones blew out through the sidewall last night in front of Quik Trip. Now what?

 

Go down to the tire store and pick out the most expensive set of mickey tompson rims & tires you can find. Buy 2 sets.

My wife has requested I take her out for dinner tonight. Any advice?

 

Great, but you provide her alibi when she kills me, OK? She'll never make it in prison.

Buy two nice fat KC strips with all the trimmings, ask her to fix them, do nothing to help, then when she's done, walk your plates out onto the deck. If she starts beating you about the face and shoulders though, it ain't my fault, though.

We've got our yearly infestation of ants coming into the house. What should I do?

 

Get lots of honey. Spread it all on the counters, in the tub and on your pillow. Let them gorge themselves to death.

Looking for a good riding mower. Any suggestions?

 

Why spend all that money? Buy goats. You'll get milk and cheese in return for having your grass nibbled down to the root. People in your neighborhood will think they're very innovative lawn ornaments.

Planning a trip to Canada. Every been there, and if so, what advise you got?

 

I have never been there, but pack lightly..... summer clothes.

The line is really busy at McDonalds, and I am hungry.

 

Barge in the front door, having abandoned your car in line, demanding service because you're in a hurry and don't have time to wait.

I've got an itch right between my shoulder blades. What'cha got?

 

My chainsaw has been sharpened, recently...you can borrow it..it's just the right width to get into a hard-to- reach place.

My roof leaked this winter, any suggestions?