Featured Choosing between honoring my mother and submitting to my husband.

My mother recently told me that she would take care of some generally cosmetic fixes on my car. (My passenger door was bent pretty bad and wouldn't open and there was rust on the car.) I didn't plan to do anything about it. I plan to replace the car in the next couple years, I don't have kids to take places, and when my husband and I go someplace together we have always taken his truck. So having an operating passenger door didn't mean much to me.

Mom said that she had a friend who does body work that owes her some favors and that she would have him fix the door for me. I told her that we absolutely couldn't afford it, it was a frivolous and unnecessary fix, but she insisted she would take care of it.

When arranging to pick the car up after it had been worked on I told my mom that the man had asked that we bring cash to pay him. She asked how much cash I had on me. I thought it was because she didn't want to have to stop at an ATM before going to meet the mechanic. When we arrived I found out that he had not only fixed the door, he had completely filled and smoothed the dents on the door, sanded down all the rust on the car, painted it, and cleaned the interior. Mom asked me to pay him $500 and said she would pay him whatever was left. I found out shortly thereafter that this wasn't a $500 that she would be returning to me.

When we were alone I told her that if I had known I would be paying that I wouldn't have agreed to any of the services and that we couldn't afford the $500. It was money slated to go to bills in collections. She said that she was paying him much more than $500 and that it was a very costly service. If I had known she was going to invest that much herself, I also would have not allowed the services regardless of whether she could afford it. I reminded her that she had told me she would take care of the cost and told her that my husband and I were very unprepared to take on such a loss. She seemed a little remorseful for her decisions when she found out that we had bills in collections, but that was about it. She didn't say she'd give the money back, and I don't expect she will. In order to honor her, I feel that I shouldn't push any more than I have. I explained that she misled me which caused our money crisis to get that much deeper. She had all the facts. If she wanted to pay me back, or plan to do so in the future, she has those choices, but made no mention of wanting to make them.

EDIT: It's worth noting that I paid the $500 out of $1000 that my mom had given me as a gift because she knew that we were having financial difficulty. So the money was readily available to spend, we had simply planned to spend it on something more important.

My husband essentially wants me to demand the money back from her if that's what it takes. He says that it's my Biblical duty to obey him and that by not doing so, I'm disobeying God. My only answer to that was that it's a commandment to honor my parents and that trumps anything else. I can't force her to do anything no matter how I approach her. I've already presented my case to her. What more can I do without straining my relationship with her?

He doesn't like how much influence my mom has on me, and is often very disrespectful in the way he talks about her when it's just the two of us in private. He often says that I should react to her in disrespectful ways when she takes advantage of me. She does take advantage of me from time to time, and it can get very frustrating, but I next-to-never lose my cool and say or do something disrespectful. Nothing she does is hurtful, it's often just a strain on my resources, or our family resources - most often it's time that she takes. She'll do things like ask if I'll go to the grocery store with her in the morning, but that trips turns into hitting every garage sale on the way home then going to get something to eat and stopping at a friends house and I get home five hours later. It's frustrating to me, but it's my mom, I don't say anything. However it infuriates my husband. He says that even though she's not putting him out, he hates that she so nonchalantly disregards what I want.

Should I try to coerce my mom into returning the money because my husband told me to? Should I consider this type of behavior dishonorable to her or not? If it's not an issue of honoring her then I certainly should do what my husband asks of me if it doesn't otherwise contradict scripture right? (As a side question, what am I supposed to do if something my husband tells me to do DOES contradict scripture??)

Since I've already typed this much, I might as well also note that my husband is always upset that I don't defer to his judgement. He's not the spiritual head of our household that he's supposed to be. He knows very little about the Bible. He says that he wouldn't go to church if it wasn't for me. At this point I think we may be unevenly yoked and I'm concerned for his salvation. But I don't know if that changes whether or not I'm supposed to do ask he says because he's still my husband.

 

That doesn't help me. I have a Bible. A Bible that also, in one of only 10 commandments, says "Honour thy father and thy mother..." I'm not asking whether I'm supposed to obey my husband. I'm asking what to do. Copying and pasting what I've already read adds no additional insight.

 

You won't offer advice, but you'll post verses that seem to contradict each other? Why is advice off the table, but confusion isn't? James 1:8 says that double minded man is unstable in all ways. You don't want to suggest a route for me to take because that's not your place, but sending me back to my husband unstable in all ways seemed proper? If you can't be a help, please don't be a hinderance.

 

Your suggestion, simple and discerning, is the kind of content I hoped and expected to find here. Thank you.

If someone approaches you with a map asking you to show them the best route to their destination, giving them another copy of the map doesn't do any good. Turning the map upside down is just silly. They're clearly in unfamiliar territory and presenting the same information from another angle is confounding. You didn't change any of the information they already have and the new perspective just contorts their vision.

Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me and made me realized I -haven't- prayed about it yet. Not outside of a "Lord I wish it wasn't like this" sort of thought process.

My mom used to be an alcoholic to the point that she was not only deteriorating her insides, she was accidentally injuring herself on a regular basis. We were all waiting for the call that told us she'd finally did herself in.

One time she was so drunk at an airport that I was told she wouldn't be allowed to fly. Eventually I convinced a supervisor that I would take care of her. During a layover hours later I spoke up when she was going to order more booze. I spoke very gently, expressing my love for her with tears in my eyes. I didn't let her dissuade me from the conversation. For the rest of the trip she cried into the travel blanket I'd brought. Anyone who sat within five seats of her or who approached her asking if everything was alright was told that her daughter (pointing at me) no longer loved her and a slew of other misdirecting, hurtful, scarring words.

The moral of the story is: defensive doesn't even begin to describe what my mom becomes when she thinks you think she's wrong. If you don't accept her justification she'll simply state that you're clearly wrong. If you continue she'll literally put her hand up and start making noises until you stop. If you continue at this point she'll bring the tears. So if it comes down to me being uncomfortable with something and making my mom cry, crocodile tears or not, I'd rather be uncomfortable. I just don't know how to enact change without causing a lot of pain in the process. If she doesn't want to change should I be forcing the issue?

It is very much about the two of them. He doesn't dislike her and they do get along, but he despises her lack of consideration. Even though what she does usually doesn't affect him, he gets pretty livid when he sees her taking advantage of me or not asking whether her plans are impeding on my own. When he's angry he's very emotionally charged and says some really horrible things. What he says about her when he's angry isn't usually what he truly thinks about her, it's just his emotions getting the better of him. But the base for these awful ideas is the same - that he thinks she's wrong and it bothers him on every level.

The feeling isn't mutual and I don't know why. Maybe because I see the tremendous progress she's made in her life since being an alcoholic and I'm hoping that her journey isn't yet over. Maybe the changes I'm hoping to see in her are yet to come. She needed to address what was killing her first.

For reasons unrelated to the topic this has been my approach with my husband for the past six or eight months. It doesn't seem to change much though. I can say that I can't allow him to treat me a certain way, but there's no "or else" for me to fall back on. I say I can't allow it, he does it, and I just trudge on. I -had- an "or else" which was "or else I'm not staying her tonight." But that became too problematic. I was either advertising our private life by asking a friend if I could stay with them or I was sleeping in my chair at work. The only person it hurt was me and my work suffered on the following days.

The obvious answer was there the whole time and I'm embarrassed to say I'd since ignored it. I need to pray about it. Do this first, then hopefully be blessed with the words to say to the both of them.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me as well.

I really appreciate the sensible solutions you guys are presenting. Sometimes it's hard to see straight when you're in a pickle. Just need a friend to point you in the right direction.