Choosing between honoring my mother and submitting to my husband.

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Blackstarling,

Everyone on here that has replied, except for Scarlett and Ann, are men. With all due respect for my brothers, I tell you this sincerely: Pay no attention to them. They don't understand the mother-daughter relationship as well as Scarlett and Ann, and they don't understand the marital perspective of the wife. They've given you good advise. Prayerfully follow it, and God bless.

 

[Jkdbuck76]

Blackstarling,

Everyone on here that has replied, except for Scarlett and Ann, are men. With all due respect for my brothers, I tell you this sincerely: Pay no attention to them. They don't understand the mother-daughter relationship as well as Scarlett and Ann, and they don't understand the marital perspective of the wife. They've given you good advise. Prayerfully follow it, and God bless.

Really? You're gonna go there? She COULD have posted this in the private forum for women. But she didn't. And I point out that none of the men even claimed to understand the mother-daughter relationship. So I can't imagine why you'd tell her not to listen to the men.

 

[Scarlett O.]

Blackstarling,

Everyone on here that has replied, except for Scarlett and Ann, are men. With all due respect for my brothers, I tell you this sincerely: Pay no attention to them. They don't understand the mother-daughter relationship as well as Scarlett and Ann, and they don't understand the marital perspective of the wife. They've given you good advise. Prayerfully follow it, and God bless.

TND, some of the men have said some wise things. And .... I am not married myself, but could only tell her what I would do in her shoes.

I think limiting this to gender-based advice is .... well, limiting.

If this were in the reverse and a husband was situationally-torn between honoring his father and loving/respecting his wife, I would still chime in.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

I think limiting this to gender-based advice is .... well, limiting.

But biblical. The only reason I accept women as addictions clients is because that venue of counseling is universal, not gender-related, though there are gender issues that come up. At that point, I seek advise, input, and help from a female counselor.

So I can't imagine why you'd tell her not to listen to the men.

For the reasons I just told Scarlett. We mean well, but we as men don't have the understanding that the women will have, and even if Scarlett feels short of information due to her single status, I think her input has a much greater value than ours. We think with a male brain, and while I don't devalue it, for this circumstance, I'm certain the female viewpoint is more valid.

 

[Judith]

My mother recently told me that she would take care of some generally cosmetic fixes on my car. (My passenger door was bent pretty bad and wouldn't open and there was rust on the car.) I didn't plan to do anything about it. I plan to replace the car in the next couple years, I don't have kids to take places, and when my husband and I go someplace together we have always taken his truck. So having an operating passenger door didn't mean much to me.

Mom said that she had a friend who does body work that owes her some favors and that she would have him fix the door for me. I told her that we absolutely couldn't afford it, it was a frivolous and unnecessary fix, but she insisted she would take care of it.

When arranging to pick the car up after it had been worked on I told my mom that the man had asked that we bring cash to pay him. She asked how much cash I had on me. I thought it was because she didn't want to have to stop at an ATM before going to meet the mechanic. When we arrived I found out that he had not only fixed the door, he had completely filled and smoothed the dents on the door, sanded down all the rust on the car, painted it, and cleaned the interior. Mom asked me to pay him $500 and said she would pay him whatever was left. I found out shortly thereafter that this wasn't a $500 that she would be returning to me.

When we were alone I told her that if I had known I would be paying that I wouldn't have agreed to any of the services and that we couldn't afford the $500. It was money slated to go to bills in collections. She said that she was paying him much more than $500 and that it was a very costly service. If I had known she was going to invest that much herself, I also would have not allowed the services regardless of whether she could afford it. I reminded her that she had told me she would take care of the cost and told her that my husband and I were very unprepared to take on such a loss. She seemed a little remorseful for her decisions when she found out that we had bills in collections, but that was about it. She didn't say she'd give the money back, and I don't expect she will. In order to honor her, I feel that I shouldn't push any more than I have. I explained that she misled me which caused our money crisis to get that much deeper. She had all the facts. If she wanted to pay me back, or plan to do so in the future, she has those choices, but made no mention of wanting to make them.

EDIT: It's worth noting that I paid the $500 out of $1000 that my mom had given me as a gift because she knew that we were having financial difficulty. So the money was readily available to spend, we had simply planned to spend it on something more important.

My husband essentially wants me to demand the money back from her if that's what it takes. He says that it's my Biblical duty to obey him and that by not doing so, I'm disobeying God. My only answer to that was that it's a commandment to honor my parents and that trumps anything else. I can't force her to do anything no matter how I approach her. I've already presented my case to her. What more can I do without straining my relationship with her?

He doesn't like how much influence my mom has on me, and is often very disrespectful in the way he talks about her when it's just the two of us in private. He often says that I should react to her in disrespectful ways when she takes advantage of me. She does take advantage of me from time to time, and it can get very frustrating, but I next-to-never lose my cool and say or do something disrespectful. Nothing she does is hurtful, it's often just a strain on my resources, or our family resources - most often it's time that she takes. She'll do things like ask if I'll go to the grocery store with her in the morning, but that trips turns into hitting every garage sale on the way home then going to get something to eat and stopping at a friends house and I get home five hours later. It's frustrating to me, but it's my mom, I don't say anything. However it infuriates my husband. He says that even though she's not putting him out, he hates that she so nonchalantly disregards what I want.

Should I try to coerce my mom into returning the money because my husband told me to? Should I consider this type of behavior dishonorable to her or not? If it's not an issue of honoring her then I certainly should do what my husband asks of me if it doesn't otherwise contradict scripture right? (As a side question, what am I supposed to do if something my husband tells me to do DOES contradict scripture??)

Since I've already typed this much, I might as well also note that my husband is always upset that I don't defer to his judgement. He's not the spiritual head of our household that he's supposed to be. He knows very little about the Bible. He says that he wouldn't go to church if it wasn't for me. At this point I think we may be unevenly yoked and I'm concerned for his salvation. But I don't know if that changes whether or not I'm supposed to do ask he says because he's still my husband.

First off you are VERY incorrect about honoring your mother being above submitting to your husband. Both are to be done and not at the expense of the other. In this case you need to set your mother down and in a calm and honoring way explain to her that you need the money she agreed to pay for the repairs. If she refuses or ignores that should be the end of it as you have done all you can on that matter.
Now for the rest and even more difficult. Based on what you wrote your mother does not respect you or your marriage.You need to limit or even possibly break off contact with your mother until she respects you and your marriage which includes your husband and his position. You can do that and honor her at the same time. You need to do what it takes to save your marriage and or keep it on biblical grounds. Your marriage is first and both you and your mother need to understand that.
Your husband also needs to learn to be respectful about your feeling when he speaks about your mother. Based on what you wrote you are headed for divorce unless you get a handle on this. I would suggest some marital counseling for you and your husband and it should include your mother.

 

[Gina B]

Ouch! That stinks.

I can only say what I'd do, because that is totally messed up.

I'd first tell my husband how hard that would be and ask him to do it, then if he didn't...

I'd go and tell her he told me to ask her. LOL And I'd tell her I'd understand if she didn't. It sounds like she already knows she messed up on that one, and it sounds like you already know what can happen if you don't stand firm, which can be really hard when it comes to relationships and people we care about.

Then I'd just go get an extra job to help pay for it all.

And I'd take some of the money from that extra job and I'd get a really pretty new outfit and go get my nails done because it's SO much easier to forgive other people and love them and stand up for yourself when you look good, and you'll be too tired from the job to stay upset, but it will be worth it to get the stuff paid and not worry about it, plus have some new shoes.

 

[Jkdbuck76]

But biblical. The only reason I accept women as addictions clients is because that venue of counseling is universal, not gender-related, though there are gender issues that come up. At that point, I seek advise, input, and help from a female counselor.For the reasons I just told Scarlett. We mean well, but we as men don't have the understanding that the women will have, and even if Scarlett feels short of information due to her single status, I think her input has a much greater value than ours. We think with a male brain, and while I don't devalue it, for this circumstance, I'm certain the female viewpoint is more valid.

ok. thx for elaborating.

 

[NaasPreacher (C4K)]

But biblical. The only reason I accept women as addictions clients is because that venue of counseling is universal, not gender-related, though there are gender issues that come up. At that point, I seek advise, input, and help from a female counselor.For the reasons I just told Scarlett. We mean well, but we as men don't have the understanding that the women will have, and even if Scarlett feels short of information due to her single status, I think her input has a much greater value than ours. We think with a male brain, and while I don't devalue it, for this circumstance, I'm certain the female viewpoint is more valid.

I too appreciate your elaborating. To suggest ignoring any advice but a woman's is too limiting. I agree that women in a similar situation may have better insight, that doesn't mean that no other advice has any merit.

There is the viewpoint of a parent of adult children to be considered. There is the male perspective to be considered. There are Bible principles that are true no matter who expresses them

There has been a lot of good advice given on this thread and I hope it has all been helpful. Sure, give more weight to the women who 'are there' but don't throw out every other bit of advice just because it is given by a man. After all, advice from a man to ignore all men's advice would be self defeating, wouldn't it?

 

[Aaron]

Quit taking money from your mother.

...

Again, quit taking money from your mother.

:thumbs::thumbs:

Let your husband provide, and if there's no car, there's no car.

 

[Zaac]

Because the transaction was between the wife and mother. She's already in it.

It doesn't matter who it was between. He's the husband. He's the head f the finances. HE needs to deal with it if there is a problem or else the mother will continue to come between them.

Stomp it out right now.

 

[North Carolina Tentmaker]

Balancing the relationship between your spouse and your parents is not something limited to gender and it is something you are going to have to work out blackstarling.

To rehash some things other already said:
· Scarlett O., you are a genius, really, your first post was excellent. Blackstarling you need to confront and communicate with both your mother and husband. Also, as Scarlett said, “grow a spine.” Submitting to your husband does not mean be a doormat, neither does honoring your Mother.
· Go2church is 100% correct; you have to stop taking money from your mother.

I have been married 25 years. I still have problems with the relationship between my parents and my wife. It does not go away and ignoring problems does not solve them, it only makes them worse. But they (your husband and mother) also do not have to like each other.

One reason your mother wants to give you money and help you is that she thinks your husband is doing a poor job of providing for you. One reason your husband does not want to take your mother’s help is that it undermines his position as head of the household. Another reason your mother wants to give you money is that it comes with strings attached and she will use it to control you. She has still not accepted the idea that you are an adult and she still thinks of you as a child who needs to be controlled. You husband sees this, at least at some level, and resents the way your mother treats you. He sees the hurt she causes and wants to protect you (whether he realizes it or not).

To say the same thing Scarlett did when she said “grow a spine,” you are a grown up now, you have to start acting like one. Stand up for yourself, to your mother and your husband. You said you don’t have an “or else” when you talk to your husband. Well first off, if he loves you then there does not have to be an “or else.” Your happiness should be a priority for him. Other than that you are just going to have to learn how to work that relationship. I am not saying withhold affection or stop feeding him, but wives have a lot of power and it is possible to use that power without usurping the husband’s authority.

 

[blackbird]

Your mother probably intended to pay for the repairs, at least until she learned how much they would cost. Even then, she believed she was paying for them because she had just given you $1,000 that you had not yet spent. Your mother doesn't realize that a gift with no strings attached becomes your property. I sense that your mother is a little embarrassed that her adult daughter drives a car with a smashed passenger door. Conclusion: If the facts are as you stated, you have every right to ask your mother for the $500 and it would not be a violation of the 5th Commandment. Even better, however, would be for your husband to ask for the money since he is the one who is upset with her.

Finally, it wouldn't hurt to sit down with your husband and assure him you want to be a Godly obedient wife, but that he also has duties as a husband, the most prominent being to love you as Christ loves His church.

I like this advice----and let the lesson be learned!!

 

[Zaac]

Your mother probably intended to pay for the repairs, at least until she learned how much they would cost. Even then, she believed she was paying for them because she had just given you $1,000 that you had not yet spent. Your mother doesn't realize that a gift with no strings attached becomes your property. I sense that your mother is a little embarrassed that her adult daughter drives a car with a smashed passenger door. Conclusion: If the facts are as you stated, you have every right to ask your mother for the $500 and it would not be a violation of the 5th Commandment. Even better, however, would be for your husband to ask for the money since he is the one who is upset with her.

Finally, it wouldn't hurt to sit down with your husband and assure him you want to be a Godly obedient wife, but that he also has duties as a husband, the most prominent being to love you as Christ loves His church.

And this is why I said she should let her husband speak to her mother since he's the one who is upset. Explain to her the situation that she put them in and the stress it has added to their marriage and in the future, if she wants to do something like this, that it needs to be settled before anything is DONE.

 

[jaigner]

Quite frankly, you aren't under the authority of either. Honoring your mother does not mean that you must obey her.

In marriage, the ideal is that husband and wife mutually submit. Your husband should not be able to boss you around any more than you can him. Neither should he be the final authority. I do think you need to quit taking money from your mother, but you need to be able to sit down with your husband and discuss this particular situation like adults. If that isn't possible with his current attitude, I would suggest you both go to counseling and work on how to come to consensus.

 

[Revmitchell]

My mother recently told me that she would take care of some generally cosmetic fixes on my car. (My passenger door was bent pretty bad and wouldn't open and there was rust on the car.) I didn't plan to do anything about it. I plan to replace the car in the next couple years, I don't have kids to take places, and when my husband and I go someplace together we have always taken his truck. So having an operating passenger door didn't mean much to me.

Mom said that she had a friend who does body work that owes her some favors and that she would have him fix the door for me. I told her that we absolutely couldn't afford it, it was a frivolous and unnecessary fix, but she insisted she would take care of it.

When arranging to pick the car up after it had been worked on I told my mom that the man had asked that we bring cash to pay him. She asked how much cash I had on me. I thought it was because she didn't want to have to stop at an ATM before going to meet the mechanic. When we arrived I found out that he had not only fixed the door, he had completely filled and smoothed the dents on the door, sanded down all the rust on the car, painted it, and cleaned the interior. Mom asked me to pay him $500 and said she would pay him whatever was left. I found out shortly thereafter that this wasn't a $500 that she would be returning to me.

When we were alone I told her that if I had known I would be paying that I wouldn't have agreed to any of the services and that we couldn't afford the $500. It was money slated to go to bills in collections. She said that she was paying him much more than $500 and that it was a very costly service. If I had known she was going to invest that much herself, I also would have not allowed the services regardless of whether she could afford it. I reminded her that she had told me she would take care of the cost and told her that my husband and I were very unprepared to take on such a loss. She seemed a little remorseful for her decisions when she found out that we had bills in collections, but that was about it. She didn't say she'd give the money back, and I don't expect she will. In order to honor her, I feel that I shouldn't push any more than I have. I explained that she misled me which caused our money crisis to get that much deeper. She had all the facts. If she wanted to pay me back, or plan to do so in the future, she has those choices, but made no mention of wanting to make them.

EDIT: It's worth noting that I paid the $500 out of $1000 that my mom had given me as a gift because she knew that we were having financial difficulty. So the money was readily available to spend, we had simply planned to spend it on something more important.

My husband essentially wants me to demand the money back from her if that's what it takes. He says that it's my Biblical duty to obey him and that by not doing so, I'm disobeying God. My only answer to that was that it's a commandment to honor my parents and that trumps anything else. I can't force her to do anything no matter how I approach her. I've already presented my case to her. What more can I do without straining my relationship with her?

He doesn't like how much influence my mom has on me, and is often very disrespectful in the way he talks about her when it's just the two of us in private. He often says that I should react to her in disrespectful ways when she takes advantage of me. She does take advantage of me from time to time, and it can get very frustrating, but I next-to-never lose my cool and say or do something disrespectful. Nothing she does is hurtful, it's often just a strain on my resources, or our family resources - most often it's time that she takes. She'll do things like ask if I'll go to the grocery store with her in the morning, but that trips turns into hitting every garage sale on the way home then going to get something to eat and stopping at a friends house and I get home five hours later. It's frustrating to me, but it's my mom, I don't say anything. However it infuriates my husband. He says that even though she's not putting him out, he hates that she so nonchalantly disregards what I want.

Should I try to coerce my mom into returning the money because my husband told me to? Should I consider this type of behavior dishonorable to her or not? If it's not an issue of honoring her then I certainly should do what my husband asks of me if it doesn't otherwise contradict scripture right? (As a side question, what am I supposed to do if something my husband tells me to do DOES contradict scripture??)

Since I've already typed this much, I might as well also note that my husband is always upset that I don't defer to his judgement. He's not the spiritual head of our household that he's supposed to be. He knows very little about the Bible. He says that he wouldn't go to church if it wasn't for me. At this point I think we may be unevenly yoked and I'm concerned for his salvation. But I don't know if that changes whether or not I'm supposed to do ask he says because he's still my husband.

A couple of things:

1. Your Biblical responsibility is now to your husband. "Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. " As his is to you.

2. Why would you commit to any repairs until you had confirmed yourself what the costs involved it? No matter how pushy our mothers may be we have our own responsibilities.

3. As far as the hubby demanding you respect him on this issue it sounds like this might have been the first time something like this has come up. He may be a little wore out on the mom issue. Your husband needs to come first. His attitude may ease up if mom is no longer an issue.

 

[pk4life]

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the gifts continue, the problems continue.

Your mother is buying her sway in your family, and both you and your husband seem to be fine with it, or else your husband would be demanding you give back $500 instead of requesting you ask for more money.

 

[NaasPreacher (C4K)]

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the gifts continue, the problems continue.



Your mother is buying her sway in your family, and both you and your husband seem to be fine with it, or else your husband would be demanding you give back $500 instead of requesting you ask for more money.

Good perspective that I had not considered.

 

[Zaac]

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the gifts continue, the problems continue.

Your mother is buying her sway in your family, and both you and your husband seem to be fine with it, or else your husband would be demanding you give back $500 instead of requesting you ask for more money.

I agree they shouldn't accept anything else from her monetarily. But she gave them $1000 as a gift. And then proceeded to create another bill for them which she said she was gonna pay but didn't.

I do wonder how much more over the $500 the mother had to pay? Either way, accept nothing else from her until she comprehends that her gifts do not give her position in you and your husband's core family.

 

[pk4life]

I agree they shouldn't accept anything else from her monetarily. But she gave them $1000 as a gift. And then proceeded to create another bill for them which she said she was gonna pay but didn't.

I do wonder how much more over the $500 the mother had to pay? Either way, accept nothing else from her until she comprehends that her gifts do not give her position in you and your husband's core family.

They're still up 500 bucks overall right?

You think they should ask for the remainder of the initial "gift" back?

I personally would just return any gifts tied to the mother to make a statement, and so that nothing further manipulation can be accomplished through the money.

 

[Zaac]

They're still up 500 bucks overall right?

You think they should ask for the remainder of the initial "gift" back?

I personally would just return any gifts tied to the mother to make a statement, and so that nothing further manipulation can be accomplished through the money.

I would personally leave the amount alone. :laugh: But I believe that husband and wife at this point need to sit her mama down and explain that while they appreciate what she was trying to do, it put them in a tough spot. If she was trying to help, she didn't as they had already planned to cover more pressing bills with the gift. She turned around and had them paying for something that should not have been a bill.

Keep her money out of your lives until she realizes that a gift does not give you a voice in what the core family does.