blackstarling
New Member
My mother recently told me that she would take care of some generally cosmetic fixes on my car. (My passenger door was bent pretty bad and wouldn't open and there was rust on the car.) I didn't plan to do anything about it. I plan to replace the car in the next couple years, I don't have kids to take places, and when my husband and I go someplace together we have always taken his truck. So having an operating passenger door didn't mean much to me.
Mom said that she had a friend who does body work that owes her some favors and that she would have him fix the door for me. I told her that we absolutely couldn't afford it, it was a frivolous and unnecessary fix, but she insisted she would take care of it.
When arranging to pick the car up after it had been worked on I told my mom that the man had asked that we bring cash to pay him. She asked how much cash I had on me. I thought it was because she didn't want to have to stop at an ATM before going to meet the mechanic. When we arrived I found out that he had not only fixed the door, he had completely filled and smoothed the dents on the door, sanded down all the rust on the car, painted it, and cleaned the interior. Mom asked me to pay him $500 and said she would pay him whatever was left. I found out shortly thereafter that this wasn't a $500 that she would be returning to me.
When we were alone I told her that if I had known I would be paying that I wouldn't have agreed to any of the services and that we couldn't afford the $500. It was money slated to go to bills in collections. She said that she was paying him much more than $500 and that it was a very costly service. If I had known she was going to invest that much herself, I also would have not allowed the services regardless of whether she could afford it. I reminded her that she had told me she would take care of the cost and told her that my husband and I were very unprepared to take on such a loss. She seemed a little remorseful for her decisions when she found out that we had bills in collections, but that was about it. She didn't say she'd give the money back, and I don't expect she will. In order to honor her, I feel that I shouldn't push any more than I have. I explained that she misled me which caused our money crisis to get that much deeper. She had all the facts. If she wanted to pay me back, or plan to do so in the future, she has those choices, but made no mention of wanting to make them.
EDIT: It's worth noting that I paid the $500 out of $1000 that my mom had given me as a gift because she knew that we were having financial difficulty. So the money was readily available to spend, we had simply planned to spend it on something more important.
My husband essentially wants me to demand the money back from her if that's what it takes. He says that it's my Biblical duty to obey him and that by not doing so, I'm disobeying God. My only answer to that was that it's a commandment to honor my parents and that trumps anything else. I can't force her to do anything no matter how I approach her. I've already presented my case to her. What more can I do without straining my relationship with her?
He doesn't like how much influence my mom has on me, and is often very disrespectful in the way he talks about her when it's just the two of us in private. He often says that I should react to her in disrespectful ways when she takes advantage of me. She does take advantage of me from time to time, and it can get very frustrating, but I next-to-never lose my cool and say or do something disrespectful. Nothing she does is hurtful, it's often just a strain on my resources, or our family resources - most often it's time that she takes. She'll do things like ask if I'll go to the grocery store with her in the morning, but that trips turns into hitting every garage sale on the way home then going to get something to eat and stopping at a friends house and I get home five hours later. It's frustrating to me, but it's my mom, I don't say anything. However it infuriates my husband. He says that even though she's not putting him out, he hates that she so nonchalantly disregards what I want.
Should I try to coerce my mom into returning the money because my husband told me to? Should I consider this type of behavior dishonorable to her or not? If it's not an issue of honoring her then I certainly should do what my husband asks of me if it doesn't otherwise contradict scripture right? (As a side question, what am I supposed to do if something my husband tells me to do DOES contradict scripture??)
Since I've already typed this much, I might as well also note that my husband is always upset that I don't defer to his judgement. He's not the spiritual head of our household that he's supposed to be. He knows very little about the Bible. He says that he wouldn't go to church if it wasn't for me. At this point I think we may be unevenly yoked and I'm concerned for his salvation. But I don't know if that changes whether or not I'm supposed to do ask he says because he's still my husband.
Mom said that she had a friend who does body work that owes her some favors and that she would have him fix the door for me. I told her that we absolutely couldn't afford it, it was a frivolous and unnecessary fix, but she insisted she would take care of it.
When arranging to pick the car up after it had been worked on I told my mom that the man had asked that we bring cash to pay him. She asked how much cash I had on me. I thought it was because she didn't want to have to stop at an ATM before going to meet the mechanic. When we arrived I found out that he had not only fixed the door, he had completely filled and smoothed the dents on the door, sanded down all the rust on the car, painted it, and cleaned the interior. Mom asked me to pay him $500 and said she would pay him whatever was left. I found out shortly thereafter that this wasn't a $500 that she would be returning to me.
When we were alone I told her that if I had known I would be paying that I wouldn't have agreed to any of the services and that we couldn't afford the $500. It was money slated to go to bills in collections. She said that she was paying him much more than $500 and that it was a very costly service. If I had known she was going to invest that much herself, I also would have not allowed the services regardless of whether she could afford it. I reminded her that she had told me she would take care of the cost and told her that my husband and I were very unprepared to take on such a loss. She seemed a little remorseful for her decisions when she found out that we had bills in collections, but that was about it. She didn't say she'd give the money back, and I don't expect she will. In order to honor her, I feel that I shouldn't push any more than I have. I explained that she misled me which caused our money crisis to get that much deeper. She had all the facts. If she wanted to pay me back, or plan to do so in the future, she has those choices, but made no mention of wanting to make them.
EDIT: It's worth noting that I paid the $500 out of $1000 that my mom had given me as a gift because she knew that we were having financial difficulty. So the money was readily available to spend, we had simply planned to spend it on something more important.
My husband essentially wants me to demand the money back from her if that's what it takes. He says that it's my Biblical duty to obey him and that by not doing so, I'm disobeying God. My only answer to that was that it's a commandment to honor my parents and that trumps anything else. I can't force her to do anything no matter how I approach her. I've already presented my case to her. What more can I do without straining my relationship with her?
He doesn't like how much influence my mom has on me, and is often very disrespectful in the way he talks about her when it's just the two of us in private. He often says that I should react to her in disrespectful ways when she takes advantage of me. She does take advantage of me from time to time, and it can get very frustrating, but I next-to-never lose my cool and say or do something disrespectful. Nothing she does is hurtful, it's often just a strain on my resources, or our family resources - most often it's time that she takes. She'll do things like ask if I'll go to the grocery store with her in the morning, but that trips turns into hitting every garage sale on the way home then going to get something to eat and stopping at a friends house and I get home five hours later. It's frustrating to me, but it's my mom, I don't say anything. However it infuriates my husband. He says that even though she's not putting him out, he hates that she so nonchalantly disregards what I want.
Should I try to coerce my mom into returning the money because my husband told me to? Should I consider this type of behavior dishonorable to her or not? If it's not an issue of honoring her then I certainly should do what my husband asks of me if it doesn't otherwise contradict scripture right? (As a side question, what am I supposed to do if something my husband tells me to do DOES contradict scripture??)
Since I've already typed this much, I might as well also note that my husband is always upset that I don't defer to his judgement. He's not the spiritual head of our household that he's supposed to be. He knows very little about the Bible. He says that he wouldn't go to church if it wasn't for me. At this point I think we may be unevenly yoked and I'm concerned for his salvation. But I don't know if that changes whether or not I'm supposed to do ask he says because he's still my husband.
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