Dealing with a wife that overspends too often

[evangelist6589]

This is very difficult and I have tried many times to reason with my wife about her spending habits, but it does not sink in. Talking with the pastor is worthless as he is a people pleaser and would never be stern with anyone.

I know before we married she filed Bankruptcy and has no debts to pay on. Even though she makes more money than me (recently got a raise) and has no debts to pay, she is always borrowing money from me. I had to separate our bank accounts due to her overspending and not leaving me money to pay my own debts.

At the moment I have a good credit score since I always make the min payment, however that may change. I strive to budget every penny and have no new debts, and can always make my min payments on all debts. My wife refuses to see her overspending on things, but insists that going out to eat almost everyday is okay, buying groceries all the time and shopping often is okay and just can't seem to get the picture.

Attempted reasonings have all failed so perhaps the only way I can help her control her overspending would be to say as a consequence of this behavior I am attending the Calvinistic church for this one service and that may teach her, as she does not like me attending any services there, just the men's discipleship.

Ideas??? I am very very frustrated and my patience is being tested.

PS- Other than this area and the Calvinism issue my wife and I have a wonderful relationship.

 

[Revmitchell]

There is more to a credit score than making payments. Debt to income ration is a huge factor.

 

[Dr. Bob]

If this is PRIVATE discussion, we can move it. If on the general subject and very needed open discussion, we will let it stand. PM if you want it moved, brother.

 

[Dr. Bob]

In 45 years of ministry we have seen couples face this. It is, second to family, a big cause of marital woes. And even break up.

We used Larry Burkett's materials. Today, we'd suggest Dave Ramsey. But until there is 100% commitment from both parties to "follow the plan" it is :BangHead: for real (not a cartoon)

 

[evangelist6589]

In 45 years of ministry we have seen couples face this. It is, second to family, a big cause of marital woes. And even break up.

We used Larry Burkett's materials. Today, we'd suggest Dave Ramsey. But until there is 100% commitment from both parties to "follow the plan" it is :BangHead: for real (not a cartoon)

We went through the Crown study at church by Howard Dayton. You know thinking of it it may also be an income issue as her ex-husband has not been paying child support and the child has a back disability and has gone through several surgeries. I can't help much given my loads of debts and only $14/hr wage, so it comes out of her check. If the ex-husband would pay his child support things may be different. Lately my wife has refused him to see the child until he started paying. Apparently he has a big problem with alcohol and probably overspends too much on beverages and bars.

 

[Jkdbuck76]

E.Attending the church you've always wanted to attend is going to make her stop wasting money? How exactly is that going to curb her spending?

I'm serious when I ask about the rationale and logic, evan. I'm not picking on you. But are you, in effect, saying, "I'm going to go to the church I like and you can go to the church you like until you stop spending like a drunken sailor."?? I'm missing something.... Your "punishment" for lack of a better term, gives you the church you want, the church SHE likes...and this is supposed to curb her spending how???

I'm missing something.... It's like

Step 1: Invent steel wool underwear.

Step 2: _______________????

Step 3: Become a billionaire.

Help me fill in the blanks.


EDIT: My mother in law is the spendaholic in our family. We had to tell her NO a few months ago.... she wanted to "borrow" $200 to buy a [BLEEP] puppy that she can't even afford! She owns a house, two vehicles and a camper! I CAN *NOT* get her to understand SIMPLE CASH FLOW!! You need food? Eat the camper that is SUCKING UP ALL YOUR CASH! Can't afford a puppy? Ask that hot tub to pay for it. She's a WONDERFUL woman, but her foolish financial decisions are her downfall. When I told her NO for the $200, I told her "Your daughter and I have blown ALL of our sick and vacation days due to my cancer. In fact, we're taking days without pay at this point and have to dig into our savings....and you want $200???"

 

[JamesL]

This is a tough situation to offer a "you should do this" because everybody's different.

I can tell you something you shouldn't do, and that is to employ an antagonistic tit-for-tat

If you attend that Calvinist church as "punishment", thinking that will teach her anything good, it's almost certainly going to backfire on you. I can only imagine that will make her retaliate in some fashion, and then you're off into a passive-aggressive "get even" mentality

That could send your entire marriage into a spiral leading to divorce.


For sure, it is not a good idea to have separate money. You became one together, not two live-in partners

Here's the rub - you married her, warts and all. And you promised to love her in good times and bad. You cannot single-handedly save the two of you from financial ruin without upsetting the apple cart.

You know her better than anyone here. And her parents know her better than you. Are they believers? Have you tried to talk with them about what makes her tick, why she spends?

If she filed bankruptcy before you married, then she had this problem before you met her (am I right?)


In the short term, you should stop "loaning" her money. It's not a loan at all, you're just throwing money into sinking ship.

This kind of mess hardly ever turns out right, because she's probably going to be offended that you're being "mean" to her

But you also need to look at yourself, too. Did you have the same problem before, and recently have a change of mind? You mention minimum payments, and I know you've mentioned your school loans, but did you have a spending problem together, and now you're trying to get her to see some epiphany you've had?


I could suggest certain "tactics", but rules and regulations and punishments never work with a rebellious heart

 

[Jkdbuck76]

And if she's mad, she might resort to more "retail therapy."

 

[evangelist6589]

This is a tough situation to offer a "you should do this" because everybody's different.

I can tell you something you shouldn't do, and that is to employ an antagonistic tit-for-tat

If you attend that Calvinist church as "punishment", thinking that will teach her anything good, it's almost certainly going to backfire on you. I can only imagine that will make her retaliate in some fashion, and then you're off into a passive-aggressive "get even" mentality

That could send your entire marriage into a spiral leading to divorce.

You may have a point. I attend the church we both have been going to for over a year.

For sure, it is not a good idea to have separate money. You became one together, not two live-in partners

Here's the rub - you married her, warts and all. And you promised to love her in good times and bad. You cannot single-handedly save the two of you from financial ruin without upsetting the apple cart.

But last time we tried joint accounts she overspent, did not stick to a budget, which would endanger me from making my payments to my creditors. Would that be a good thing?

You know her better than anyone here. And her parents know her better than you. Are they believers? Have you tried to talk with them about what makes her tick, why she spends?

Father is dead, and mother does not speak english much at all.

If she filed bankruptcy before you married, then she had this problem before you met her (am I right?)

Yes she did.

In the short term, you should stop "loaning" her money. It's not a loan at all, you're just throwing money into sinking ship.

This kind of mess hardly ever turns out right, because she's probably going to be offended that you're being "mean" to her

I loaned her $35 today and she is very mad at me that I did not loan her another $50 and she had to borrow it from her brother.

But you also need to look at yourself, too. Did you have the same problem before, and recently have a change of mind? You mention minimum payments, and I know you've mentioned your school loans, but did you have a spending problem together, and now you're trying to get her to see some epiphany you've had?

I did in the past yes and even as late as 2012 when I was paying less than $300 a month in rent and was making a ton in OT pay. I had saved $2500 in a savings account, but unfortunately spent allot on myself in those days because I did not live under a budget. I could have made some extra payments to my credit cards but I did not.

No one could reason with me, the only teacher was time and experience and with her this may be the case.

I could suggest certain "tactics", but rules and regulations and punishments never work with a rebellious heart

Its a tough one. I can't reason with her, so I am gonna let her be mad at me because I did not loan her another $50. She does not see that she ever is the problem in anything regarding money and thinks her own bankruptcy was not her own fault.

 

[evangelist6589]

And if she's mad, she might resort to more "retail therapy."

Retail therapy is shopping with the primary purpose of improving the buyer's mood or disposition. Often seen in people during periods of depression or transition, it is normally a short-lived habit. Items purchased during periods of retail therapy are sometimes referred to as "comfort buys".

Very possible. I know she does get depressed sometimes.

 

[JamesL]

The depression angle is a valid one. Almost every person I've met who has depression is also a spender. It's a way to self-medicate because they are looking for something to life them up, and the impulse purchase always seems to do the trick this time. But what about next time? Another spending spree.

My first wife had the same problem, and here's how I addressed it:

1) We had our money in the same bank account

2) I tracked her spending without her knowing about it

3) I matched her spending, with ATM withdrawals

4) I took the money from my ATM withdrawals and put it aside and did NOT spend it

5) We argued A LOT about how much each other was draining out of the bank account

6) We went "broke" and couldn't pay the bills

7) We had a gigantic fight about where all the money went

8) I revealed what I had been doing with the money I had taken out of the ATM, that I hadn't spent any of it

9) We had a really long talk about her spending

10) I used the money to get us back on track


When I say we argued a lot, that is no exaggeration. But I was determined to stay the course with my putting money aside. And I did not bail us out until we had a very, very long talk about her spending. There were a lot of fights about how broke we were, and I never let on that I had that money.

I suffered right along with her, and didn't peel any off the top.

I'm not saying this will work with your wife

It did work with my ex, but now she is going bonkers because her current husband is three times the spender she ever was - and he also suffers from depression. She is currently taking meds for hers.

They have amassed $400,000 in debt in 8 years, averaging a deficit of $1,000 per week in that time


***notice that I am referencing my EX-wife above. We had many more problems than just money. We were unbelievers, and it was tumultuous from the word go. She left me when I began attending church and became the biggest self-righteous hypocrite you'd never want to meet. I became a believer about 5 months after she left

 

[Rippon]

Evan: I don't understand why you are airing dirty laundry about your wife again. It's just not the right thing to do. That kind of stuff should not be aired in public --take it to a private forum.

You have spoken negatively about her numerous times on the BB. How would you like it if she was talking about you behind your back on another forum? Take it to spiritually mature men that you know face-to-face.

 

[convicted1]

Evan: I don't understand why you are airing dirty laundry about your wife again. It's just not the right thing to do. That kind of stuff should not be aired in public --take it to a private forum.

You have spoken negatively about her numerous times on the BB. How would you like it if she was talking about you behind your back on another forum? Take it to spiritually mature men that you know face-to-face.

Sound advice....:thumbsup:

 

[Rolfe]

Talking with the pastor is worthless as he is a people pleaser and would never be stern with anyone.

Have you tried?

Attempted reasonings have all failed so perhaps the only way I can help her control her overspending would be to say as a consequence of this behavior I am attending the Calvinistic church for this one service and that may teach her, as she does not like me attending any services there, just the men's discipleship.

Punishment? She is your wife, not an underling.


Something to think about- Would your wife appreciate you airing your complaints against her in public? How would that make her feel, loved or degraded?

 

[evangelist6589]

If this is PRIVATE discussion, we can move it. If on the general subject and very needed open discussion, we will let it stand. PM if you want it moved, brother.

Thanks Bob. I just try and watch out for people that attack. I appreciate people whom have a Godly tone such as you and James.

Yes please make this a private form Bob or you may close the topic. I got enough good advice from James and yourself, thanks..

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Evan: I don't understand why you are airing dirty laundry about your wife again. It's just not the right thing to do. That kind of stuff should not be aired in public --take it to a private forum.

You have spoken negatively about her numerous times on the BB. How would you like it if she was talking about you behind your back on another forum? Take it to spiritually mature men that you know face-to-face.

Couldn't have said it better myself. :thumbsup: :applause:

This is just another example of John not taking responsibility for his family, his finances and particularly his debt. Now its his wife's fault.

John, if she saw this nonsense, she'd be justified in being extremely mad at you and taking you to the pastor for discipline. He'd be right in handing it out, too. I'm done with you, until you repent.

 

[evangelist6589]

The depression angle is a valid one. Almost every person I've met who has depression is also a spender. It's a way to self-medicate because they are looking for something to life them up, and the impulse purchase always seems to do the trick this time. But what about next time? Another spending spree.

My first wife had the same problem, and here's how I addressed it:

1) We had our money in the same bank account

2) I tracked her spending without her knowing about it

3) I matched her spending, with ATM withdrawals

4) I took the money from my ATM withdrawals and put it aside and did NOT spend it

5) We argued A LOT about how much each other was draining out of the bank account

6) We went "broke" and couldn't pay the bills

7) We had a gigantic fight about where all the money went

8) I revealed what I had been doing with the money I had taken out of the ATM, that I hadn't spent any of it

9) We had a really long talk about her spending

10) I used the money to get us back on track


When I say we argued a lot, that is no exaggeration. But I was determined to stay the course with my putting money aside. And I did not bail us out until we had a very, very long talk about her spending. There were a lot of fights about how broke we were, and I never let on that I had that money.

I suffered right along with her, and didn't peel any off the top.

I'm not saying this will work with your wife

It did work with my ex, but now she is going bonkers because her current husband is three times the spender she ever was - and he also suffers from depression. She is currently taking meds for hers.

They have amassed $400,000 in debt in 8 years, averaging a deficit of $1,000 per week in that time


***notice that I am referencing my EX-wife above. We had many more problems than just money. We were unbelievers, and it was tumultuous from the word go. She left me when I began attending church and became the biggest self-righteous hypocrite you'd never want to meet. I became a believer about 5 months after she left

Thanks James. Wow thats a lot of debt! My wife and I have a strong relationship in areas other than finances and theology which are hot-button issues.

I think there are no quick solutions for this problem other than time and experience.

 

[evangelist6589]

And if she's mad, she might resort to more "retail therapy."

Very correct. Why going to the church as I previously mentioned is a bad idea.

 

[Rolfe]

I appreciate people whom have a Godly tone ...

Talking with the pastor is worthless as he is a people pleaser and would never be stern with anyone.

"Godly tone"?

Sounds like your pastor's advice is exactly what you are seeking.

 

[annsni]

You both need counseling and if it is not with your pastor, you need to find an outside Christian counselor. What is going on in your marriage is not healthy and you both need to see that. The money spending is a symptom, not the illness.