14 year old dating an 18 year old. Please read.

Well Scarlett, I guess if it were a real relationship, it would me too. But what passes for "dating" or "going out" for most 14 year olds isn't really what us old folks think of as a relationship. More likely they are looking for companionship and since thier hormones are stirring and thier girlfriends are all finding new interests, the boys seem like an interesting change. And home where they can be closely watched by Mom and Dad is a great place for them to spend time together and get to know how things are done in other households.

I don't know how other folks do it, but after the kid(whether "date" material or not) has been to my house a couple of times, they begin to get treated like my own. They follow my rules, pick up after themselves and stay to dinner if I'm in the mood(I'm an all inclusive kind of gal, whoever is here eats, family or not, holiday or not). Kids figure out very quickly whether or not they like how things are done in my household. If not, they are free never to return!

 

I think I would be a little uncomfortable with a 14 year old's boyfriend at the house on Christmas, if he's just one of the "we're talking" kind of boyfriends. Maybe thats just my upbringing. She very well many not be having sex. But I have seen so many young girls without solid male figures in their lives on a daily basis try to fill that vacuum with guys.

David, I also like the suggestion of you talking to your niece about the situation. Help her see if she is trying to fill a void with a guy. You very well may be the only one who CAN do this.

I was also surprised to see that you thought MenagerieKeeper was a liberal, lol. I guess yall just rubbed the wrong way. Maybe yall could try again.

Tater

 

David, here's a few things. I believe your love for this child may have caused you to react without planning out what you were going to say, thus it came out as very accusatory and put them on the defense.

I'm not the family, and I still winced!

I personally don't have a problem with age differences, and feel it's not the government's business, but for my own children, I can't imagine them ready for marriage at 14, thus no reason to date.

What is a redneck? Why is that wrong? That is the only thing you tell us about him. Out here, a redneck is typically someone more country, simple but usually decent. Maybe likes trucks. LOL! I know some people believe that people aren't decent if they don't have money and come from bad families, but remember, this girl that you love is from a bad family too.

Why did you bring the Gramma's past into the situation? It obviously didn't help. It may have been true, but your approach was rough and ungracious from the sound of it, despite your excellent intentions.

As you don't have control over it, I would suggest the following.

Stay in contact, even if it means swallowing your pride and apologizing even if you feel you did no wrong. They have the power to cut you off from the girl, and you don't want that. You want to be able to use your good influence over her.

You obviously can't change the situation, but can you help bring about change in the people involved?
For example, could you, as a Christian, show yourself friendly to the young man involved? If the family is going to let the young lady out alone with him and he's got her free and thinks nobody really cares about her and he really isn't decent, that's not a good situation.
What if you befriended him, and had them over often? He'd be much more likely to treat her well, and if his intentions aren't pure maybe he'll leave her be when he knows there's someone out there watching over her.
You may just be able to influence him for the better.

It's worth the effort, don't you think? Staying on the path already started sounds like it's only alienating everyone, but maybe this way you can maintain the relationships, still watch out for the girl, and maybe even by your Christian witness help a few people in a positive way.

 

David J,

Please clarify your niece's "dating" for us. I don't have a problem with the age difference, especially since he is still young enough to be in the youth group, but I don't think 14 year olds should seriously date anyone. I like menageriekeeper's rules for her children. My parents had the same types of rules. I was so mad when I was finally able to date because everybody wanted to hang out at my house instead of going anywhere! My mom loves to cook, and always let everyone who was over stay for dinner and dessert. Our house was like Grand Central Station. I now realize my parents knew exactly what they were doing.

 

I wonder how her friends feel about it? They can be the best and worst influence. At 14, there opinion goes a lot farther than an adults.

 

Everything else here is mote if it is against the law in SC for an 18 year old man to date a 14 year old child. I personally don't think a 14 year old should be dating anyone. Society doen't let children be children anymore.

As to young girls in olden times dating and marrying men much older than them; that was a totally different generation. They were very closely chaparoned (usually by brothers and sisters) and they were much more mature than girls these days. Girls may know more about sex now, and most of them see nothing wrong with having sex by the time they are barely teenagers.
My mother was 16 when she married my father, who was 34, but she was deffinately very mature and most certainly would not have let him touch her until they were married. She was the authority figure in our home and my dad did what he was told. LOL
David, I can see why you are concerned. Family history seems to condone sex at an early age.
You may not be able to change anyone's mind, but I would have a heart to heart talk with your niece. Just do it loveingly and let her know you aren't judging her, just concerned for her welfare. If the women in the family are telling her that it's ok, you may as well be talking to the wall.
I would check with DHS also.

 

Is she nearly 15? Oops, I just read that she just turned 14. Could you be over reacting because you still think of her as a "little" girl?

Is she going with him to church and youth group activities?

I know that my DIL included her daughters' friends in Christmas Activities. I always liked for my children to include their friends and have them come to my house. Dating or whatever you call it does not always include sex.

I have FINALLY learned that if it is not my responsibility the thing I do is pray, pray, pray. I can give advice if asked, but I really do not have any control.

 

I understand your concern and you have my prayers.

 

Usually, it may be against the law, but the law is usuallly not enforced if the parents don't push it. The reason is that once the kids are in their thirties the age spread is very small. Now if the 18 year old were 21 or over, then there would be more grounds for prosecution. Even a 21 year old will usually not get in trouble for dating as low as 16.

I know, I don't like this either, but many people actually date at these ages and wind up married.

My brother dated his wife while he was 21 and she was 16. The families had no problems and when she was 19 they got married and were married for over 30 years until he passed away.

As far as other kids go, this may be part of the problem. It is a big ego for a lot of girls to claim they are dating an older boy.

I found out with my own daughters that pushing is not the best route; they have to make their own mistakes, BUT when they were fourteen they were NOT going out on dates. My rules, they didn't like it because their friends did it, but they obeyed and were thankful later.

 

I never allowed my daughters to date before 16. I really don't think there is a law though regarding "dating". There is regarding having sex, but I would seriously doubt there is one prohibiting dating.

 

Yes, there is a law regarding dating. A twenty one year old kissing (in a sexual manner--not a greeting kiss of relatives or friends) a 16 year old is statutory rape in most states.

Statutory rape, by definition does not usually require actual sex. Plus, the parents can be held liable if they could have protected the child and didn't.

 

However, I DO agree with you. My daughters had to wait until they were sixteen. They didn't like it because all of the other kids were "dating", but they got over it when they became sixteen.

 

In most states one party has to be more than 5 yrs older than the other to qualify as statutory rape. As someone who has a prosecutor for a wife: good luck getting statutory rape charges brought for kissing....its hard enough if the girl is consenting to sex to get charges, much less a conviction.

Not arguing the sentiment, but pointing out that going to the authorities with the fact that someone less than 5 yrs older is dating a 14 yr old...with no proof of sex, is not going to bring any action from the police and probably little if any from social services.

 

I never kissed my wife until awhile after we were engaged. My daughter sees me kissing my wife a lot and we hug her a bunch.

What business does a young man have kissing a girl anyway at that age and not at least engaged.

Lots of family affection will prevent a lot of unwanted nonsense later on.

What that young girl really needs is a positive male and female role model in her life. I hope she doesn't look to that 18 year old for what has been missing in her life.

 

"What that young girl really needs is a positive male and female role model in her life"

Exactly!!!

 

THAT is usually the problem, right on gb.

 

I was just pointing out the law, but you are absolutely right. It takes an act of congress to get a statutory rape charge unless it is OBVIOUS child abuse such as a ten year old girl and forty year old man, etc.

A lot of the Hispanic population that we have around will have old men marry twelve year olds. My brother adopted a girl from one of these relationships--her mother was thirteen. Thankfully, she signed her rights away and she was raised by my brother and his wife and did very well.

 

There is no law that makes KISSing to be statutory rape.

"Your honor, he stuck his tongue in my mouth!"

"Why didn't you bite it off?"

Statutory rape DOES require intercourse.

Signed by an ex-cop REDNECK! (whose 10 year old daughter will be allowed to date when she's 25)