Bad Advice Only

[abcgrad94]

Ask a politician - (why) to get the answer you want to hear.


You get a speeding ticket, but when the cop comes you don't have your wallet

When the cop asks you if you have any I.D. say, "about what?"

My neighbor keeps letting his dog poop in my yard. What should I do?

 

[SaggyWoman]

When you see it happen again, shoot the dog.

I am tired of the trick or treaters that come to my door. What should I do?

 

[SBCPreacher]

Put in a moat - alligators and all!


How do I keep my kids playing the street?

 

[Benjamin]

Put in a moat - alligators and all!


How do I keep my kids playing the street?

Padlock on electrical dog collars and place the boundaries at the curb.

How can I stop from getting older?

 

[abcgrad94]

How can I stop from getting older?

Throw out your calendars and stop celebrating your birthdays.

I hate going to my in-laws for the holidays because all they do is watch sports on TV. What do I do?

 

[tinytim]

Shoot em... there are no sports allowed at funerals...

My head hurts, how do I stop it from hurting?

 

[Salty]

Shoot em... there are no sports allowed at funerals...

My head hurts, how do I stop it from hurting?

Stop standing under where the masons are working:tonofbricks:



How can I convince my daughter that its all right for me to give my 9 year grandson an M-16 for Christmas?

 

[SaggyWoman]

Let him take and pass a concealed weapons class first.

How can I stay up all night without falling asleep?

 

[LeBuick]

How can I stay up all night without falling asleep?

PPsstt... Over here, DRUGS....


How do I get my wife to let me wear the pants?

 

[SaggyWoman]

PPsstt... Over here, DRUGS....


How do I get my wife to let me wear the pants?

Don't wear ANYTHING for a week.



How do I get a good refund next year on my tax returns?

 

[abcgrad94]

Give birth to twins before December 31.

How can I get my husband to take out the trash without having to nag him about it?

 

[SBCPreacher]

Set it between him and the TV. (Works on me!)

How can I get my cats to stay off the furniture?

 

[Salty]

[quote

How can I get my cats to stay off the furniture?[/quote]

Make the mice stay in the kitchen



What do you tell your boss when he tells you you have to work Christmas Eve, Chrstmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day

 

[SaggyWoman]

Make the mice stay in the kitchen



What do you tell your boss when he tells you you have to work Christmas Eve, Chrstmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day

Tell him "Heck No", but not the word heck. The other word. Say it with attitude.




I have a friend who wants to get off drugs. How do I help?

 

[LeBuick]

What do you tell your boss when he tells you you have to work Christmas Eve, Chrstmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day

"I feel the Christmas/New Years flu coming on. You better schedule someone else cuz I may be sick boss (cough, cough)"

Sorry to back up one but I couldn't resist....

I have a friend who wants to get off drugs. How do I help?

Become a dealer and give them a discount...


My daughter just turned 16, how do I keep her away from the boys?

 

[SBCPreacher]

Padlock on her bedroom door.

How do I make the mice stay in the kitchen?

 

[SaggyWoman]

Serve hors' doerves in there.

How do I keep rain from getting on my hair?

 

[EdSutton]

Move to Atacama, Chile, and work in the guano fertilizer industry. It has only received any significant rainfall there twice in the last 15 years, averaging .02" per year.

How do you stop a wild animal from charging?

Ed

 

[Deacon]

Q - How do you stop a wild animal from charging?

A - That's an easy one, take away her credit card.

How can I get a new car?

Rob

 

[SaggyWoman]

If you see one parked in front of a store still running, get in it and drive away?



How do I get the bulbs to stay on my Christmas tree?