From Babylon Bee: Calvinist Researchers Complete Development Of Elect Detector

[Revmitchell]

MARIETTA, GA—In an attempt to increase evangelistic efficiency, Calvinist scientists working at Reformed Theological Seminary’s School of Research have isolated the “elect gene” in test subjects, and have successfully engineered an electronic detector to help evangelists focus their efforts only on those God has preordained unto salvation from eternity past, sources confirmed Tuesday.


“We found that entire sermons and evangelistic opportunities were being wasted on the ears of those destined to damnation,” head of missions research Dr. Cal Perkins told reporters. “Now we can focus our efforts on calling only God’s chosen people to faith and repentance.”

According to Dr. Perkins, an early field test of the detector showed a promising increase of nearly 400% in the efficiency of missionary work.

Calvinist Researchers Complete Development Of Elect Detector | The Babylon Bee

 

[InTheLight]

From the article:

At publishing time, nearly half the student body at the seminary had been expelled as the prototype device indicated that they were not elect after all.



Sent from my Motorola Droid Turbo.

 

[TCassidy]

From the article:

At publishing time, nearly half the student body at the seminary had been expelled as the prototype device indicated that they were not elect after all.

The whole article was Fake News (also called a "lie") so why shouldn't that part be a lie too?

 

[InTheLight]

The whole article was Fake News (also called a "lie") so why shouldn't that part be a lie too?

I believe the proper term is 'satire'.

Sent from my Motorola Droid Turbo.

 

[SovereignGrace]

They even make fun of themselves.

 

[MennoSota]

Arminians just came out with a "Truly Saved" detector that will be placed in all hospitals. The detector will reveal if someone has lost their salvation and lead the patient in a prayer of repentance and salvation. For an extra fee the detector will play "Just as I Am" to help create the proper repentant emotion in the patient. [emoji41] [emoji41] [emoji56]

 

[Yeshua1]

Arminians just came out with a "Truly Saved" detector that will be placed in all hospitals. The detector will reveal if someone has lost their salvation and lead the patient in a prayer of repentance and salvation. For an extra fee the detector will play "Just as I Am" to help create the proper repentant emotion in the patient. [emoji41] [emoji41] [emoji56]

And the word of faith came out with one that detects if one has the Holy Ghost, as it intertrtes the tongues to see if real or not!

 

[MennoSota]

And the word of faith came out with one that detects if one has the Holy Ghost, as it intertrtes the tongues to see if real or not!

A switch on the side of the unit can tell you if the laughter is holy or unholy.

 

[Yeshua1]

A switch on the side of the unit can tell you if the laughter is holy or unholy.

Also can let you page to vomit out demons...

 

[Calv1]

MARIETTA, GA—In an attempt to increase evangelistic efficiency, Calvinist scientists working at Reformed Theological Seminary’s School of Research have isolated the “elect gene” in test subjects, and have successfully engineered an electronic detector to help evangelists focus their efforts only on those God has preordained unto salvation from eternity past, sources confirmed Tuesday.


“We found that entire sermons and evangelistic opportunities were being wasted on the ears of those destined to damnation,” head of missions research Dr. Cal Perkins told reporters. “Now we can focus our efforts on calling only God’s chosen people to faith and repentance.”

According to Dr. Perkins, an early field test of the detector showed a promising increase of nearly 400% in the efficiency of missionary work.

Calvinist Researchers Complete Development Of Elect Detector | The Babylon Bee

This is blatant Blasphemy, moderators? What this Arminian doesn't understand, aside from the fact that God is furious at him, is that the Arminian CAN'T PRAY FOR ANYONE! Why? For if the Arminian prays for say a unbeliever, he is asking God to violate the unbelievers free will, and oh you can't have that. Not only that, I thought God was fighting day and night to save the unbeliever, yet fails, even though Scripture says He never fails in His will among men?l

This is just sick and should be taken down, I promise you moderators it's BLASPHEMY, even if you're Arminian want to take a chance? Disagree? Fine, debate? Fine, but blaspheme God's soteriology, His everything, makes me sick

 

[TCassidy]

If you have a complaint, report the post, give a brief summary of your complaint and the Admin Council will look into it.

 

[Revmitchell]

MARIETTA, GA—In an attempt to increase evangelistic efficiency, Calvinist scientists working at Reformed Theological Seminary’s School of Research have isolated the “elect gene” in test subjects, and have successfully engineered an electronic detector to help evangelists focus their efforts only on those God has preordained unto salvation from eternity past, sources confirmed Tuesday.


“We found that entire sermons and evangelistic opportunities were being wasted on the ears of those destined to damnation,” head of missions research Dr. Cal Perkins told reporters. “Now we can focus our efforts on calling only God’s chosen people to faith and repentance.”

According to Dr. Perkins, an early field test of the detector showed a promising increase of nearly 400% in the efficiency of missionary work.

Calvinist Researchers Complete Development Of Elect Detector | The Babylon Bee

The op is satire. Everyone knows Babylonbee is a satire website. They do satire on a wide range of subjects.