How to get the fellowship I need?

[evangelist6589]

I am married but I just do not have much in common with the men at the church, and besides the church is not all that active in their activities for men. Perhaps an activity once or twice a year and besides that a prayer breakfast once in a blue moon. I do attend these breakfasts.

When I was single and had this problem the solution was to go to another church with more activities and its what I did. Although I disagreed with their armianism I loved the fellowship which is something I did not get at the Calvinist church as they were small and had little actives for singles, although I agreed with their theology very much. The solution a friend of mine set was to go to more than one church. One church for the teaching and another for the activities.

My wife seems to be against me fellowshipping with other churches, but this may be something she does not see nor understand as she is not in my shoes, but I know I will have more in common with the other churches and I am aware of some that just have far more activities for men. Perhaps I need to take a stand and step out. The separatism theology does not hold water, and there are plenty of Godly men at other non IFB churches. She enjoyed our meeting with the Gideons men last week and guess what? All of them were from non IFB churches. I think God is softening her. Ideas? Thanks..

 

[Judith]

I am married but I just do not have much in common with the men at the church, and besides the church is not all that active in their activities for men. Perhaps an activity once or twice a year and besides that a prayer breakfast once in a blue moon. I do attend these breakfasts.

When I was single and had this problem the solution was to go to another church with more activities and its what I did. Although I disagreed with their armianism I loved the fellowship which is something I did not get at the Calvinist church as they were small and had little actives for singles, although I agreed with their theology very much. The solution a friend of mine set was to go to more than one church. One church for the teaching and another for the activities.

My wife seems to be against me fellowshipping with other churches, but this may be something she does not see nor understand as she is not in my shoes, but I know I will have more in common with the other churches and I am aware of some that just have far more activities for men. Perhaps I need to take a stand and step out. The separatism theology does not hold water, and there are plenty of Godly men at other non IFB churches. She enjoyed our meeting with the Gideons men last week and guess what? All of them were from non IFB churches. I think God is softening her. Ideas? Thanks..

Eph. 5:22

 

[evangelist6589]

Eph. 5:22

Exactly... However this is a process. She does not call the shots I do. I am gonna be gracious about how I do this, and she will whine and complain at first, but she will get over it. She was also hesitant with the Gideons meeting but she liked it.

 

[Judith]

Exactly... However this is a process. She does not call the shots I do. I am gonna be gracious about how I do this, and she will whine and complain at first, but she will get over it. She was also hesitant with the Gideons meeting but she liked it.

There is no process in submitting, just submitting. If she is whining and complaining she is NOT submitting. Pray for her to learn to submit without the whining and complaints. The reason she whines and complains is because she does not fully trust your leadership/decisions.

Set her down and lovingly confront her lack of trust and submission and pray together about it. In such things all she should be doing is praying for you and encouraging you not whining or complaining even for a season.

May I also suggest that you encourage her with prayer to listen regularly/daily to the Nancy Demoss program as she points women in the right direction they should go in areas like this.
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/word/

 

[Scarlett O.]

Exactly... However this is a process. She does not call the shots I do. I am gonna be gracious about how I do this, and she will whine and complain at first, but she will get over it. She was also hesitant with the Gideons meeting but she liked it.

I think your first mistake is believing that a wife who submits to her husband is defining a husband as "calling the shots".

Ephesians 5:22 is not defining your role, it's defining hers. She is to trust you and recognize that God views the spiritual health of your family by first looking at you and supporting you in that ever-so-important role.

It has nothing to do with who "calls the shots".

And ... the world isn't going to crumble, the universe won't fade away, and lightening won't strike you dead if you and your wife don't attend the same church.

There are couples who for various reasons attend separate churches.

If she is IFB - she is entrenched in it.

You find another church of your choosing and join and attend. She will either follow you or she won't.

There is no "calling the shots". There is you living as God intends you to live and her respecting that and supporting that and trusting you.

 

[evangelist6589]

There is no process in submitting, just submitting. If she is whining and complaining she is NOT submitting. Pray for her to learn to submit without the whining and complaints. The reason she whines and complains is because she does not fully trust your leadership/decisions.

Set her down and lovingly confront her lack of trust and submission and pray together about it. In such things all she should be doing is praying for you and encouraging you not whining or complaining even for a season.

Well she submits in other areas its just this area of church she does not because she is in love with her church. I am not saying I will leave, I am just saying I want fellowship with men whom are ACTIVE and I have more in common. I need to go to another church for this.

 

[evangelist6589]

I think your first mistake is believing that a wife who submits to her husband is defining a husband as "calling the shots".

Ephesians 5:22 is not defining your role, it's defining hers. She is to trust you and recognize that God views the spiritual health of your family by first looking at you and supporting you in that ever-so-important role.

It has nothing to do with who "calls the shots".

And ... the world isn't going to crumble, the universe won't fade away, and lightening won't strike you dead if you and your wife don't attend the same church.

There are couples who for various reasons attend separate churches.

If she is IFB - she is entrenched in it.

You find another church of your choosing and join and attend. She will either follow you or she won't.

There is no "calling the shots". There is you living as God intends you to live and her respecting that and supporting that and trusting you.

Never-mind analyzing every word I said please just focus on the point I was trying to make. No question about the above. But we have been over this before and I think its time for me to stop being a coward and start taking action. I am not suggesting we leave our church, I am suggesting I get involved in a mens ministry elsewhere.

 

[Scarlett O.]

But we have been over this before and I think its time for me to stop being a coward and start taking action. I am not suggesting we leave our church, I am suggesting I get involved in a mens ministry elsewhere.

I don't think you are being cowardly. But you don't need our permission to find a men's group elsewhere. I think finding one is a great thing.

I didn't mean to offend you - that was not my purpose.

 

[Judith]

Well she submits in other areas its just this area of church she does not because she is in love with her church. I am not saying I will leave, I am just saying I want fellowship with men whom are ACTIVE and I have more in common. I need to go to another church for this.

I will add this one last thing and then let it drop. You are not correct that she submits to you. You are excusing her. In fact I would guess that you never really know if she is going to follow you or not, at least without some kind of resistance. What she is doing is what she wants when she finally agrees and if it pleases at least in part and then she calls it submission and you cover for her by agreeing. That is not submission! Our call is to submit even as unto the Lord, not when we agree or even grudgingly go along. Real trust overrides even our own desires and is seen in submission. Submission is a heart of trust towards the one we submitt to with an expectation of pleasing that one which comes with a blessing of Joy and security.

You need to talk this out, not about the other church but her lack of biblical submission, and pray for her. I will lift you both in this area. Again I suggest you try and point her to Nancy Demoss web site to listen daily as she deals with these kind of things.
One last thing. I do not believe that you as head should attend another church for this fellowship until she learns biblical submission because you will not be leading, but rather herding. God bless

 

[salzer mtn]

Sounds like your wife has drawn the line, planted her feet firmly and stuck her head in the sand about where she wants to go to church. Although I believe in the 5 points or TULIP as some call it I don't go to church to hear doctrine. There are sovereign grace churches that preach Christ every message saturated with the gospel. The gospel starts with God and works down to man. The gospel tells who God is. God is Holy, He is just but yet the justifier. Job said, how can a man be just with God ? God is so Holy he cannot look upon sin. Man is at his best state altogether vanity. God will not hear man, God will not look at man, Man cannot approach God outside of someone that can both vindicate God with a pure righteousness but show grace to sinners. Christ is the answer, not how much man prays, not how much man cries, not how much man works. Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling. Salvation is not about a plan but a person. If your wife could somehow hear sovereign grace Christ centered messages, if she is one of the elect it would change her life for ever.

 

[evangelist6589]

Sounds like your wife has drawn the line, planted her feet firmly and stuck her head in the sand about where she wants to go to church. Although I believe in the 5 points or TULIP as some call it I don't go to church to hear doctrine. There are sovereign grace churches that preach Christ every message saturated with the gospel. The gospel starts with God and works down to man. The gospel tells who God is. God is Holy, He is just but yet the justifier. Job said, how can a man be just with God ? God is so Holy he cannot look upon sin. Man is at his best state altogether vanity. God will not hear man, God will not look at man, Man cannot approach God outside of someone that can both vindicate God with a pure righteousness but show grace to sinners. Christ is the answer, not how much man prays, not how much man cries, not how much man works. Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling. Salvation is not about a plan but a person. If your wife could somehow hear sovereign grace Christ centered messages, if she is one of the elect it would change her life for ever.

This is not a thread about doctrine but about fellowship and activities with a mens group. As far as I am concerned the church preaches the essentials of the faith just not Reformed Theology. If you think Arminian are preaching another gospel then start a thread stating that. But good luck with your support. Lets not detract this thread into yet another CAL/ARMIN debate PLEASE....

 

[evangelist6589]

I don't think you are being cowardly. But you don't need our permission to find a men's group elsewhere. I think finding one is a great thing.

I didn't mean to offend you - that was not my purpose.

No offense at all. I think BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) would be a great way to get this fellowship. I plan to go to a class real soon.

 

[Inspector Javert]

I can understand and appreciate your desire for more men's activities:

A perfect solution may be for you to begin some more activities in the Church you are attending!

However, if that is not possible than I see no reason not to participate in activities with others in other churches, or even some para-church organizations (I have attended some C.M.A. meetings before).

I believe you are newly wed, however, and it sounds to me, like what you really need is some fellowship with Godly friends....not necessrily "Men's" activities per se. That being the case, I think you will find that your social activities will quite naturally morph away from mere "Men's" and "Women's" activities into "Family" and "Couple's" activities.

You may find that you spend less time with your single male friends as you used to. This will especially be the case if and when you have children. You're getting older dude, and some later chapters in your life are approaching. Your friendships will probably change some.

One good thing to do is to fellowship with other younger couples in your church. These don't necessarily have to be "Church" activities....just invite them over to a dinner party!

Although I admire Scarlett's opinions very much, I can't say that I don't think that you and your wife attending separate Churches is not a VERY BAD idea. That CANNOT (IMO) be permitted if at all avoidable.

I think you are in a period of some transition regarding your social activites etc.... having gone from single to married quite recently. "Men's Activites" are likely to become less important to you in time. Seek some friendships with other married couples. Hang out with one of your wife's friend's husband and see if you don't wanna go on a fishing trip with him sometime. Alternatively, you and he might rather enjoy murdering Bambi in cold-blood which is a similarly righteous activity.

Just have one or two young couples over for a dinner party. Learn to work the grill, and have some BBQ ribs (some of the sweeter Florida style, not that nasty mustard-based Carolina type garbage). Plan on a game of Bridge or Rook or, if you are a truly kewl person, Munchkin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchkin_(card_game)
The guys will naturally hang out on the porch, and the women-folk will naturally sit around the coffee table engaging in whatever womanish devilry women-folk do. You'll be fine in time. This period of some transition happens. :thumbs:

 

[NaasPreacher (C4K)]

Instead of looking elsewhere why not get with the pastor and offer to head up a men's fellowship?

We are a small church and people have left to find more to do elsewhere. I'd give my right arm for a man who would step up and say 'I'd like to organise some activities for the men pastor.'

 

[Inspector Javert]

Instead of looking elsewhere why not get with the pastor and offer to head up a men's fellowship?

We are a small church and people have left to find more to do elsewhere. I'd give my right arm for a man who would step up and say 'I'd like to organise some activities for the men pastor.'

:wavey::thumbs: Yes, that too.

Many Pastors themselves would like to have some more Men's fellowship activities to attend, but don't have the time to organize them themselves.:thumbs:

Many Pastors and Pastor's wives can often be kinda lonely in many circumstances and would like to have more people in the Church stand up and be their friend.

 

[Don]

Seems to me the Eph 5:22 reference isn't in question here. Rather, Eph 5:25, 28-29, 32, and 33.

 

[Earth Wind and Fire]

I can understand and appreciate your desire for more men's activities:

A perfect solution may be for you to begin some more activities in the Church you are attending!

However, if that is not possible than I see no reason not to participate in activities with others in other churches, or even some para-church organizations (I have attended some C.M.A. meetings before).

I believe you are newly wed, however, and it sounds to me, like what you really need is some fellowship with Godly friends....not necessrily "Men's" activities per se. That being the case, I think you will find that your social activities will quite naturally morph away from mere "Men's" and "Women's" activities into "Family" and "Couple's" activities.

You may find that you spend less time with your single male friends as you used to. This will especially be the case if and when you have children. You're getting older dude, and some later chapters in your life are approaching. Your friendships will probably change some.

One good thing to do is to fellowship with other younger couples in your church. These don't necessarily have to be "Church" activities....just invite them over to a dinner party!

Although I admire Scarlett's opinions very much, I can't say that I don't think that you and your wife attending separate Churches is not a VERY BAD idea. That CANNOT (IMO) be permitted if at all avoidable.

I think you are in a period of some transition regarding your social activites etc.... having gone from single to married quite recently. "Men's Activites" are likely to become less important to you in time. Seek some friendships with other married couples. Hang out with one of your wife's friend's husband and see if you don't wanna go on a fishing trip with him sometime. Alternatively, you and he might rather enjoy murdering Bambi in cold-blood which is a similarly righteous activity.

Just have one or two young couples over for a dinner party. Learn to work the grill, and have some BBQ ribs (some of the sweeter Florida style, not that nasty mustard-based Carolina type garbage). Plan on a game of Bridge or Rook or, if you are a truly kewl person, Munchkin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchkin_(card_game)
The guys will naturally hang out on the porch, and the women-folk will naturally sit around the coffee table engaging in whatever womanish devilry women-folk do. You'll be fine in time. This period of some transition happens. :thumbs:

Oh man, why would he do a Fla ribs and beans?!? The guy lives in Colorado .....go fishing, hiking, ski, snow boarding, hunting ....you must have soooo many activities.

 

[HAMel]

evangelist6589, bottom line is you're desiring "change". You see a need which requires a "change" but people refuse "change" as if it's a plague. People are absolutely and completely content with how things are right now and many would fall on their sword to block any movement contrary to their current comfort level.

Meeting the challenge of change is a science unto itself.

...I tried to offer up change in my local American Legion Post and it was like going up against a brick wall.

My Pastor is a wonderful and insightful man grabbing my attention at every service but to offer up change for the church to agree on? I might as well attend another American Legion Post meeting.

 

[HeDied4U]

Instead of looking elsewhere why not get with the pastor and offer to head up a men's fellowship?

We are a small church and people have left to find more to do elsewhere. I'd give my right arm for a man who would step up and say 'I'd like to organise some activities for the men pastor.'

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

I, too, was in that boat once. Instead of "jumping ship" to another church, I organized a one time mens meeting that turned into a monthly gathering. Granted, about a dozen or so men isn't a huge gathering, but it did fill a need. Left that area a long time ago, but last I heard, the mens ministry was still going strong.

 

[Earth Wind and Fire]

evangelist6589, bottom line is you're desiring "change". You see a need which requires a "change" but people refuse "change" as if it's a plague. People are absolutely and completely content with how things are right now and many would fall on their sword to block any movement contrary to their current comfort level.

Meeting the challenge of change is a science unto itself.

...I tried to offer up change in my local American Legion Post and it was like going up against a brick wall.

My Pastor is a wonderful and insightful man grabbing my attention at every service but to offer up change for the church to agree on? I might as well attend another American Legion Post meeting.

Ever see the movie "Danny Deckchair ".... end scene is your answer. Find things ....that includes wives's, that provides you happiness & don't compromise. Here is the story plot>

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Deckchair