PS….To the post above. I find it rather laughable, that one cannot have “Low Self Esteem”…nor can they be “Realistic About Their Strengths” either way you can’t win…damned if you do dammed if you don’t.…I did something 7 years ago that Dr. Phil said in his new book “Life Code” everyone should do, (according to him I am a winner) and that was I made a list (must have been in counseling) of all my strengths and weakness. These same strengths and weaknesses also matched those who knew me we well (including one my ex and I did on each other) they did character letters for my divorce case. Anyway, What I know and what everyone else said about me in a particular area was that I am a realist and maybe even an idealist as well. I take things for what they are not what I wish them to be. I am honest about WHO I AM and I’m not afraid to say so and anyone who has read me long enough knows this about me…what you see is what you get….good and bad….I have nothing to hide or be proud of….Ok, I do but I try not to…. All that I have and all that I am came from God…He made me and He has sustained me. Part of that sustaining has a lot to do with who I am today and why I speak the way I do.
Unlike many I see around me…I didn’t have a stable home, I didn’t have any parent and I had many, who loved me, I didn’t have anyone who supported me, I didn’t have anyone who protected me, I didn’t even have anyone that PRAISED ME!...crap I’m crying…need to take a break.
OK, I’m going to just stick with the PRAISE one and let’s see how that has affected me?...I don’t know about you, as it seems to have been a generational thing, but nobody who had me was good at giving PRAISE….the only “Slap on the Back” I got, also hit my face, my legs, arms, anywhere my dad’s and step moms instruments in hand would land on me out of rage…for what? Nothing really, OMG, the verbal abuse and put downs were constant not only at home but at school as well…why?... because I was “Different”….funny, I’m still the same person and I still am getting it? I guess people would rather focus on the negative way more than the positive…so sad.
Ironically, I got the curse my step mom always threatened me with…”I Hope You Have One Just Like You” well guess what?...I did. And I never treated him the way I was treated. He was disciplined, in love not anger and it was always a “process”…anyway, I was very athlete growing up, achieving awards most didn’t and in many kinds of sports…”#1 player, most athletic, fastest runner”…but you know what, my parents never went to my games or practices (they were glad to just get rid of me) nor did they encouraged any of my talents, whether it was sports, music, art, or animals…I had access to these things, but I did them and accomplished them ALONE!..or at least it feels like I did and I have no recollection at all. My grandma did say, I could have gone to the Olympics if I had ONLY been guided and encouraged. Who knows how I would have turned out? But I guess God had other plans, or like some wise person said today….we don’t always know how God is using us, probably more than we even realize. I guess being a tangible person…I want to see fruit, I want to see evidence…even if I have to find it within myself.
I say all that come to a point…I have lived a life of self protection, of self awareness and of others, due to much isolated loneliness, of much abuse, of much injustice and so much more that if I didn’t remind myself constantly of all that God has given me, or how He made me, or why I am still here in spite of it all….I would go NUTS and be dead….I feel I have NO purpose sometimes, that no one cares what I have to say or do?…God isn’t using me, my kids are gone they don’t need me anymore, no more successful race horses, no more husband to give me nice complements (although lots from weird guy renters) if I didn’t get “Kudos” at volleyball I don’t know what I’d do?...I’m sure I’d be fine. So if I come off arrogant, it may be because I am grasping at straws and just being REAL…I’m throwing stuff on the wall to see if it sticks…what am I suppose to be doing with my life at soon to be 50?
“Where There Is No Hope The People Perish”….For a long time now this is how I feel. I don’t want to go home, but why should I be here?...I think about it all the time…it is a constant struggle to stay focused on the bigger picture….I know deep down what that bigger picture is, it has been revealed to me, whether others reject it or not. And just like Noah I have to keep on building….but the only way I can do that is by being truthful about who I am, good and bad…my goal and hope is that others may learn from my life so it doesn’t seem so wasted. If this offends anyone I am truly sorry….<3
