Great Point FAL! And I Apologize . . .
. . . for not being more clear.
"On a personal note, I can tell you that even though I tried to walk away from God (following my divorce and the loss of the ministry), He never quit on me. I spent approximately 15 years trying to run away from Him, hiding myself in world porn and illicit s@xual relationships, but, there came that "pig trough" moment for me, and I found myself back in church, broken spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. "
In a private conversation with FAL, it was pointed out to me that had I spent my energy trying to escape from my 15 year walk in sin, that would cause a change.
I guess you cannot read between the lines in the above sentence that during that 15 years, I worked as a music/worship leader, choir director, youth Pastor, and I ministered and led a small congregation on three different occasions.
During my prodigal walk, I was as ashamed of my sin, as I was angry with God, and when I gave into my lust, I sought forgiveness and asked to be delivered and set free.
However, my flesh was at war with my spirit, and each time I sinned. The flesh gained power over me, driving me deeper into the pit of sin.
What happened to be I had reached this point (after 15 years) of being tired of sinning, praying for new direction and forgiveness, only to find myself right back at the altar of the devil and the dark temptation I was allowing to t over my life.
That frustration brought me to the point of desperation, and like the Word says, Jesus came to give us life, Satan came to take that life, I ended up with a rifle barrel in my mouth. The Lord did not allow the trigger to work, and when it failed to fire the bullet, I decided that I'd take a hand full of blood pressure pills. This didn't happen either, as the Soirit of God came upon me, and I fell asleep right on the edge of my bed.
I woke up there 15 hours later, and realized that my sin was at the point of taking and ending my life. I was scared with the thought that I came so close to ending my life, and with my wife, we headed to a church in Orange County.
BTW. The two suicide letters that I threw at my wife when I came from work the night before were never read. My wife called her best friend, who entered into prayer for me. My wife burnt those letter in the fire place that evening.
When I say I was prodigal for 15 years, it never meant that I was not cognizant of God. That is why I say in my earlier post, that looking back, I can see where God never gave up on me.
As I point out in my book, I was on a no-win merry ground. I couldn't find a way off, and it was ruining my life, and totally increasing the gap between God and me.
Those 15 years were like a "revolving door!" I would not recommend this type of life to anyone.
Thanks FAL for pointing this error out, and allowing me to correct and clear up my mini-testimony!
Pastor Paul :type: