Ashley's dad,
While This has not caused problems in my immediate family, I have taught about election in several settings (Sunday-School class, Christian school Sr. High bible class). (I am speaking as a Calvinistic Music and youth pastor in an SBC church that has members accross all spectrums on this issue, but we have discussed it in SS. classes and had civil disagreements about it and are able to move forward and work together for the gospel anyway.)
1. Recognize this is an in-house debate among fellow-Christians, and that if you wife lives the rest of her life as a non-Calvinist, that will be fine.
2. Work very hard to be as gracious as possible, work very hard not to become a militant Calvinist. When you hear people on this board say things like "Armenians don't believe in the sovereignty of God...teach a works-based salvation...think men can save themselves..." DON'T REPEAT THESE TO YOUR WIFE. They usually aren't true anyway.
3. I would approach it this way when I know there are differing views: I explain multiple positions and recognize valid points that both have. I would then point to a small number of verses that the most clear on election and say something like this: "Honey, I really would love to agree with you, but it seems from these verses that God does chose who will be saved...that doesn't mean we don't make real choices, or that we don't have to also choose God...but because of these verses, I can't simply stop believing what they seem to say.
4. I have found it helpful in a teaching context to compare Pelagianism, Arminianism, Calvinism, and Hyper-Calvinism. I then Point to the errors of hyper-calvinism and be clear on what I reject from them. I then point out that both Calvinism and Arminianism have been orthadox accepted views by baptists for hundreds of years, while pointing out that the Pelagians and Hypers have generally been considered outside of orthadox belief.
5. Most of all I would focus on the many truths that you do share in common, and when pressed on predestination, simply say that there are verses in the bible that seem to say God chooses people, and I don't know any other way to explain those.
6. When teaching your children for now, you may need to take it slowly, and again focus on the doctrines like sin, our helplessness, the Holy Spirit's help, and the belief that IS NECESSARY for them to be saved. I remember my own father who is fairly Calvinistic did not really press me on these ideas until my senior year of high-school, when it came up as to why I believed and many people who were smarter than me rejected the gospel. That's what really got me thinking.
7. Again, be gracious and patient with your wife, love her, do not exasperate her. Do not become a single-issue christian. Don't say patronizing things to her (like "I'm willing to be patient since I believe God will convince you of your mistakes someday."). Make your #1 goal be to Lead her to find joy in the Gospel, whether or not she ever agrees with you about election.
8. (added after reading the rest of this thread) Ignore Benjamin. Listen to Ann.
***If you would really like some first-hand advice, I used to know a man who was calvinistic who married a nazarene woman (arminian) He told me that it caused some disagreements early in their marragie, but they have since been married 10 years I think, and seem very happy together...if you would like me to try to get his e-mail; I might be able to do that.
