It Means man is totally depraved and unable to respond to the gospel with out being regenerated so that he can be saved. He cannot believe know or understand the gospel. My self I do not agree. I believe man in his natural state is evil with the propensity to become more evil over time but I do not think man has ever reached his maximum evil as yet. God has brought to my attention the meaning of the word "total" It means there is nothing left out. In total depravity there is nothing one can do to become even more evil that is if it is in fact total. Man in his natural state is always on a downward path. Some of them are professing Christians.
I will not address the reasons for your personal experiences, since that is a matter that belongs only to God. However, I will gladly address the first part of your post (above).
Given the definition of “total depravity” as “there is nothing one can do to become even more evil”, I agree 100% with your rejection of such an argument as contradicted by both Scripture and empirical reality. It must be dismissed as a warped fantasy with no real substance or value.
If you will allow, I would share my personal thoughts on the subject of the “fallen nature” of unsaved people. I believe that rather than “depraved”, a better term would be “tainted” or “warped”. I believe that our human nature has been “tainted” by sin in such a way that it has been “warped” from its intended pre-fall state (like a tree that grows twisted through a fence continues to grow in its deformed shape).
I would argue that our minds are tainted by sin and grow warped in a manner that makes the thoughts of God “unnatural” to the human mind. A specific example is the instruction from Jesus that the leader should be the servant of all. What human in authority naturally places his welfare last and the welfare of the poorest of his followers first? God’s way of thinking is not how our fallen minds have been twisted to think.
Our bodies are just as tainted and twisted as our minds. The body that God created to serve Him, craves its own pleasure and actually DOES evil. Not only that, the pleasure of the flesh draws men away from God rather than towards God. Our eyes see and create lust and greed and envy. Our hands that should lift our neighbor, steal his goods, caress forbidden flesh and strike other men.
The corruption does not start and stop with our mind and body, it extends to our innermost being. Call it our “spirit” or our “soul” or whatever you wish. It is the part of man that senses that something is missing in life without our honoring God. Yet even this hunger for God is so warped by sin that men crave after “golden idols” of their own creation to give them meaning and define who they are. How many men are defined by “their Job”? How many chase after wealth? Fame? Something to fill the hole and give them meaning ... anything but surrender to God. Surrender is weakness and we demand to live life on OUR terms.
It is not about the QUANTITY of sin. It is not how deep the sin of each man is. The issue is the pervasiveness of sin. How the “taint” of sin, like water, has worked its way into every corner of our being and left no part of the natural man at least a little “warped”. There are no straight boards to salvage and rebuild from.
That is how I see the problem. From what corrupted corner does a natural man attempt to lay hold of the holiness of God to anchor himself to faith. Does man reason towards God with his tainted mind? Does man physically strive towards God with the desires of his tainted flesh? Does man seek to shove God into the hole in our souls that we refuse to yield control of because that is our deepest personal identity?
For someone like me, that believes in the Doctrines of Grace, natural men are helpless and powerless to fix ourselves. God must make the first move. God creates the bridge between our warped, tainted soul and His unearned gift “saved by grace through faith - not of yourself”.