Bad Advice Only

you could sit on the bird feeder and HUM

How can I get the postman to tap my door, instead of taking parcels back to the post office for me to pick up ............... grrrrr

 

Remove your door and leave a chair near where the door was and when the package comes the postman can leave it on the chair and then you can put your door back after you receive your package.

What could I possibly do to get a person to talk to me and like me as a friend?

 

Schedule an all expence paid road trip for them to the Grand Canyon. When you get there, walk up to the rim a tell them that there is an invisible glass walk out that they can view the canyon as if they were suspended in air above it. All they have to do is take that first step. If they do not take it, push'em. The experience will last them a life time.




How can I tell Coca Cola that I want to retire but I want to keep getting my full pay check for the rest of my life?

 

An AK 47 assault rifle is a handy negotiation tool to keep around. Tell them "Say hello to my little friend", and you will be amazed at what kind of retirement plan you will get. Why, you could probably get a vaction(all expenses paid) that lasts from 25 years to life!!


I have a hog that hates mud. How can I keep it cool??

 

I have a chest freezer that is both clean and cool. He would be comfortable right next to Bambi. Speaking of Bambi.....

madre mentioned the other day that turkey season runs into deer season (archery, rifle and then muzzleloader) and right into the bowling league. I'm thinking she's concerned that I'm over-extending myself and it's got her worried about my well being. I'm touched. Should I buy her flowers? :flower:

 

Buy her flowers, and make sure you use lots of insecticides to make sure there are no bugs on them.

I have a cats that barks like a dog, a canary that howls like a wolf, and a horse that baa's like a sheep. How can I get them to make the "native" sounds????

 

Gain a lot of first hand experience dealing with issues like pornography addictions, having your gay lover leave you, breaking a drug addiction, etc. Once you have been through it, start advertising around the church as a crisis go-to guy. They will notice and ask you to preach. You could also try drugging the pastor and showing up at the pulpit to fill in for a day.

What is the best way to write short stories well?

 

Pen.

Salty wants to be my associate pastor. How do I break the news that we only have an opening for a parking lot attendant. Pastor of Parking?

 

In public, after spiking his drink with strong liquor.

How do I make sure that my car is running optimally?

 

Check the fuel gauge, and if it isn't on "E", you should be good to go.


My oven keeps turning my food black. How can I fix this, this side of trading it??

 

If you smell sink don't worry nobody will be thewiser

 

Salty I did not understand.

 

Show mercy to her! I was given mercy... several times before I finally caught on to this fun game.


Let me help with oven that make all of their food to turn black..

You could stop using your oven, or paint the interior of your oven a golden brown!!

I have a neighbor who plays his boom box very LOUDLY. What would you suggest that I do to get some quietness in my neighborhood again?

 

Thank you for your kindness. God bless

 

Bad advice: You just tell that cantankerous & troublemaking Salty that you got your own dern rules!

My question: I will be practicing wound debridement on a dead baby pig tomorrow. How will this help me when I’m working on a live human?

 

Ever heard of a sledgehammer? Use the sledgehammer on your neighbor's head, and then take a shotgun, and "turnoff" the radio!!!


A one-legged man goes to a butt-kicking contest. How can he win without falling to the ground??

 

If you live in the Congo, you can use the piggy for supper, and a student for dessert. This way, you can have a cooking class, too.


My ice box melts everything, and my refrigerator freezes everything. What can I do.......I don't wanna throw it away, either.

 

Repaint it and give it to your mother in law as a mother's day gift.

I have to drive an hour home and don't want to.