Bad Advice Only

Give that woodchuck access to your entire house, including all the contents wherein. I'm sure it will find some wood to chuck.

My neighbor is drunk, burning leaves and shooting bottle rockets. What should I do?

 

Go join him and take sparklers.



My right arm is numb. What to do?

 

Roll over onto your left arm until it too goes numb, then you'll be balanced.





I gave the woodchuck access to the garage, but he stole my car.

 

First off, don't call the cops...they'll never believe you...trust me, I know...took me months to get straight out of that jacket...hard to pick that lock with my long toenails. McGyver has nothing on me...but I digress.

Now, take some of the eggs from the hens you lured with your rooster and sell them. Take that money and put it in the bank. Now, kill one of the hens and lure a fox in. Take that fox and skin it and sell the pelt. Put that money in the bank with that which was already there. Take another hen and kill it and lure in a racoon. Kill the racoon and sell the pelt and put that money in the bank. Wash and repeat....do this until you have enough money to go to the police and tell them a woodchuck stole your car.

Why do I tell you to do all if this? That way you'll have enough money to hire a lawyer to get you out of the looney bin. Hey, I'm here to help...

Skunk won't go away...

 

Introduce her to the woodchuck and be prepared to for a new breed, the Skunkchuck. Open a varmit mill and sell them on eBay.

Best way to tell the pastor I brought all the kids back from conference, but left is daughter at a gas station on accident.

 

"Thankfully pastor, we made it home from the conference safely. Man, that graffic was brutal, and we were sweating like hogs, seeing that the air conditioning quit on us. By the way, the funniest thing happened to us at a gas station. Boy, you're gonna get a kick outta this...."

Need some Skunkchuck repellant...is there such a thing?

 

5 gallon bucket
pour 3 gallons diesel fuel
cover fuel with a generous portion of Mayonnaise
1 gallon jet fuel
2 cups of temik
a handful of hersey kisses
mix together
short fuse
lighter

Light when ready, no need to run. Stick around and see what happens.

Looking to get rid of a few unarmed neighborhood felines. How do I accomplish that without getting protests from their owners?

 

Arm the felines first, so as not to have PETA bring a lawsuit against you.





I shot a skunkchuck and now PETA is bringing a lawsuit against me, What should I do?

 

Steal it.

I have way too many things I should be doing on this unusual mid-week day off work. ...and messing around on the computer isn't really in the plans.

 

Design a speedboat and build a balsa wood model of it to test with a CO2 cartridge. Place a squirrel on water-skis behind it, just for laughs. If the squirrel survives, consider building a full-scale model. Call your boat Noah's Ark.




My office building cannot reach equal temperatures. It's 65° downstairs (which is perfect) and it's over 75° upstairs, where my office is. Ideas?

 

Buy three rosters and place them on a roost. Have someone slightly pull their tails downward, and this will cause them to flap their wings, causing the temp to equalize...

I need three roosters....

 

Place a small pile of chicken feed under a box, propped open by a stick and a rope. Wait for a fox to sneak in and try to eat the chicken feed. Pull the rope and capture the fox. Trade the fox for burlap sack containing a rusty harmonica, three potatoes, a block of Wisconsin sharp cheddar cheese, and a bottle of homemade wine. Use the harmonica as a throwing weapon to knock a pigeon out of the air. If you still have the rope from the box, tie it to the harmonica so that you can get your harmonica back. Take the pigeon and place it in the burlap sack. Leave it a little bit of cheese so it can eat. Trade the potatoes for a hen. Eat the rest of the cheese and give the wine to the hen. Train the pigeon the deliver message, then use it to get the word out that you have a hen that likes to drink wine. Charge people one rooster to see this spectacle, but close up shop after the first three customers.




I have a burlap sack with some miscellaneous items in it that I'd like to trade...

 

Have a block Party Bible Study with Beer and cigarettes and invite your neighbors.



I Need about $5000 cash. Help!

 

Gather some neighbors and a saw. Sell body parts on black market.

My sister is blind to the fact her son is a bully. I am going to break the news to her. How should I go about it?

 

Grab her by both shoulders and back her in the corner and say, "look, your son's a bully. You need to find out if it's genetic!"

I am missing a right leg...must have been sawn off. Haven't seen it since I went to a recent block party...

 

I would suggest fashioning yourself a new prosthetic leg out of hard cheddar cheese. That way, if you ever get lost in the woods, you have food.






In a completely unrelated issue, I recently came into possession of a right leg after trading a burlap sack and a rooster. Anyone know anyone in need of a right leg? Full disclaimer, it's getting kinda gangrenous and it smells like rotten eggs. $15 O.B.O.

 

Is it made out of cheese? I say sell it to a local fast food and see what you can get for it. Or, sell it to Long John Silvers. I am sure he could use it.



I have a date tomorrow with a really great friend. How should I prepare?

 

You really shouldn't. No shower, don't shave the legs, no makeup.

My son is going to play baseball in Texas for 2 months. He needs $3000.00 by March to secure his spot. What can he do to make that amount by the deadline?