Bad Advice Only

Go to an animal rescue shelter and find a shaggy dog. Take some ketchup and pour it on its fur and mix it all over its body. Then take a machetti and spread some ketchup on it, and send the dog in amongst the kids. Then break through the door screaming and shaking that 'bloody' machetti. You'll never have to worry about taking care of kids ever again...


Wifey wants a cross tattooed on her foot and I don't want her to...

 

Tell her that if she gets a tattoo of a cross on her foot, you're going to get the entire Gospel of Luke tattooed on your face.




I'm thinking about turning my '95 Chevy Cavalier into a submarine. Should I?

 

Submarine/Artificial Reef - I say go for it.

I'm thinking about sedating convicted 1 and tattooing the entire Gospel of Luke on his face. What say ye?

 

Hit the road in PT's 95 Chevy Cavalier. Don't use any credit cards and toss your cell phone. Go off grid until everything blows over.

Need a great idea for date night with the wife...

 

I'll let you use my '95 Cavalier...it goes underwater. Just don't go to the tattoo parlor.





I can't seem to get the catfish out of the floorboards of a mid-'90s compact car...

 

My 9 month old daughter is teething and tries to bite everything she grabs. Advice?

 

Start baking her presents with anything you have in the house.




I don't feel like taking down my Christmas tree. ever. What to do?

 

I tried burning down my christmas tree and caught the house on fire and the local fire dept. is on strike....help!!!

 

Use a Spanish Dictionary.



The library is noisy today. How do I counteract the noise?

 

Noise reduction headphones - with a little Joel Olsteen playing in the background.


Wife's Birthday Dinner - Can't decide: Longhorns, Olive Garden or ?

 

The Burger Shack Drive in.




My favorite team just won their way to the playoffs. How can I cheer for them at work, when everyone else likes another team?

 

Decorate your office in the colors of your team. Repaint the walls and even paint the carpet. Put up neon lights on the ceiling and on your coworkers. Whenever someone questions your choice of team, look them square in the eye and just scream "Yay sportsball! Go Team! Score a goal-unit!"






I want to cook some eggs, but the only thing I have is a rooster. What to do?

 

Kill the rooster and feed it to a homeless dog. Befriend the dog and then trade it for a goat. Milk the goat and make some cheese. Trade the cheese for a mouse. Kill the mouse and feed a homeless cat. Befriend the cat and then trade it for a dog. Befriend the dog and trade it for a goat. Milk the goat and make some cheese. Trade the cheese for a pigeon. Trade the pigeon for a rooster. Use the rooster to bait a neighbor's hen to come over. Voila...you have eggs to cook/fry...

I want some fresh eggs, but I don't have a rooster to use for bait...I wanted to use a 1995 chevy cavalier to use for trade, but it got torched...

 

That was beautiful, man... :tear:

Trade the torched Cavalier for a Huffy 10-speed bike, then pedal your way to a nearby chickenhouse and "liberate" a couple of hens. Being grateful to you, the hens should give you some eggs.




I need to put a better security system on my chickenhouse...thoughts?

 

Call the tree little pigs, and ask them to watch. You know the fox will help guard.


I don't have anything to do for New Year's Eve. What should I do? I want a date.

 

Go to match.com and offer a $100 reward for a New Year's Eve date. Good luck.

I don't have anything to do for New Year's Eve. What should I do? I don't want a date.

 

You've now got 364 days to plan the next New Year's Eve celebration. Make it count.





I have a woodchuck that wants to chuck wood, but I only have 28 board-feet of oak and I don't think that will be enough for the little guy. Thoughts?