Bad Advice Only

Keep pointing off to the side and saying "What is that?" When she turns to look, sneak a bite or two. Keep doing this until the breakfast pizza is completely eaten.







I bought a 150-inch flatscreen TV, but I don't know where to put it...

 

Nail it to the bathroom wall.


I don't want to go to church tonight.

 

I think, since it is now the afternoon of the next day (where I am), that I can't offer you much help there, saggy. Apologies.







I need some good music to listen to that will help break a headache.

 

Put some Led Zeppelin on.


They are closing Mcdonalds for the night, and I still need Wi Fi.

 

Pull up in the parking lot a seedy hotel, and try guessing the password. If you cant, knock on the doors that you hear noise behind, and ask them for it.

There is a big cat, likely a puma, stalking the same buck that I am trailing, any ideas?

 

When the cat kills the buck, shoot the puma, and take the buck home.


My brother in law is most annoying and I am visiting for one more night. How can I make it through the night?

 

Duct tape him while he's sleeping.


I'm not used to losing at croquet, but this year I did. Why has my game slipped?

 

betray somebody's confidentiality

 

Punish Brother Salty for not using a '?'. Pull all his toenails and fingernails and put them in his breakfast oats...


Grass won't grow in winter. What do I do?

 

hole=something you fall in...
whole=entirety

:smilewinkgrin:

Neither. You're a devout republican't who wouldn't be found dead watching MSNBC.

Go down the the local Radioshack and buy a set of rabbit ears. Have one of your democrat buddies come over and stand and move them whenever your TV gets blurry. That way he can say he's working for his $$$


Commode is clogged again...

 

Sounds like a personal problem. Go to Home Depot and purchase a Honda Generator and a ShopVac, you'll need the extra power. Make sure you plug the ShopVac into the Generator and then tie the Generator directly into the power lines outdoors. Jam the end of the ShopVac into the nearest manhole cover and turn it on. You should unclog every toilet in a three mile radius, though you may blow up the Shop Vac. But, better outside than in, right?




A deer ran though the sliding glass door on the back of my house. He's stuck halfway in and halfway out. What should I do?

 

Slide them a $50.00....


Hardware store is closed and I need some paint...

 

Attain some berries, some charcoal, a bit of deer urine, and some fresh stream water. Mash them all up into a soupy paste, and then heat over a low flame for about an hour. Once the mixture starts bubbling, removing it from the fire and let it set overnight in a cool room. The next morning reheat the mixture and stir clockwise eight times, then counterclockwise twice. Once the mixture is at your preferred consistency, place an amount equal to three tablespoons in your mouth and spit it on the walls. You can put your hand up and then spit, if you want to create interesting designs. Then abandon your house and let it set for about 5,000 years and some archaeologist will discover it and write a paper about your culture.




I think I might be giving answers that are too long....

 

Of course not. Just buy her a gift every day and tell her everyday feels like her birthday to you. This plan also works for anniversaries.





I just swallowed a large paper clip...

 

Sounds like a personal problem. Go to Home Depot and purchase a Honda Generator and a ShopVac, you'll need the extra power. Make sure you plug the ShopVac into the Generator and then tie the Generator directly into the power lines outdoors. Jam the end of the ShopVac into the nearest manhole cover and turn it on. You should unclog every toilet in a three mile radius, though you may blow up the Shop Vac. But, better outside than in, right?

FYI, 'copy n paste' is fun...

I need a foot massage...

 

Run barefoot in your driveway rocks.

I dont have a freezer, and my leftovers may spoil...