Bad Advice Only

Fake the autographs of some famous baseball players on his gear and then sell it on eBay for as much as possible. Of course, he'll have to buy new equipment afterward, but he should raise enough money by then.






I think my girlfriend wants jewelry for Valentine's Day, but I'm terrible at picking out jewelry. Any thoughts?

 

Paperclips strung together. Necklace and bracelet combo. She'll love your creativity.

My neighbor is dumping his yard waste in my back yard. How should I handle that?

 

Scoop up his yard waste, along with your own, and dump it down his chimney.







I tried to hang a picture on the wall, but when I hit the nail with the hammer I accidentally drove the nail into my goldfish. Help!

 

Honey we're having fish filets tonight!

Ran out of milk and are craving some cheerios. What to do?

 

Do you happen to own a cow? If so, milk the cow. If not, begin an intricate series of bartering until you get a cow...or a gallon of milk...either way...






I managed to build a time machine. Where should I go?

 

Shake your self hard, so that you have Shaken Salty Syndrome.


I need to go pick up some money for filing someone's taxes. How much should I charge, and how might I obtain it?

 

Invest in a black ski mask and a .38 and tell your local bank how much you charge....


I found a goldfish nailed to a wall, do I eat or, or use it for bait?

 

Depends on what you are fishing for. If you are not fishing, then I say fry that goldfish up and put it on a Ritz cracker.






My beard has gotten so long it keeps getting caught in the zipper on my jacket. I don't want to shave, though. Thoughts?

 

Have someone run over your face with a riding mower.


Stoopid cat won't stay out after I put it outside. What do I do short of killing it?

 

Side note:

You're not letting your anger over the Cal vs Arm debate seep into this thread, are you? :smilewinkgrin: (I kid, I kid)

Have someone run over the cat with a riding mower.





I've decided to attend a symposium on evolution. What should I take with me?

 

Take Brother Benjamin and a platyopus. He's an admin over at baptistsymposium...Brother Ben...not platyopus...

The riding mower ran out of gas after accidently running over a cat...

 

Siphon gas from your neighbor's car. Just wait until it's dark before you try this. If that doesn't work, break into your neighbor's basement and "borrow" his gas can.




I got Brother Ben and the platypus, but one of them bit me. I don't want to say which one...

 

Must've been Brother Ben, a platypus is poisionous.. Shoot him...

Neighbor caught me "borrowing" his gas can...

 

Hit him with the gas can and run away as fast as you can. When he comes over to confront you later, act like nothing happened.





I just tried to pop my knuckle and I think I may have broken my finger...

 

Break the other nine so it won't look odd....


Someone took a gas can outta my hands when I swung and missed...

 

Run!!!!





I can hear a scuffle in my neighbor's basement. Sounded like someone trying to hit someone else with a gas can. Should I do anything about it?

 

No. Let him fight his own battle and go and barter for a rooster....

I'm fighting a losing battle and my neighbor won't help me and instead went on a rooster hunt? What type of revenge should I plot?

 

"Vengeance is mine, thus sayeth the Lord." But you want to, go and slash his tires, fill his car with packing peanuts and grasshoppers, and paint the windshield black.





I just got back from bartering for a rooster when this guy ran out of my neighbor's basement and started slashing the tires on my other neighbor's car. For some reason I think he thinks it is my car. What should I do?

 

Go over to him and pat him on the back, give him a bucket of KFC, with mashed potatoes, coleslaw, and four biscuits(wifey will have to get own KFC, btw), $5,000 in cash(won't take checks), tickets to an Hall & Oates concert, and a fedora. Then point him to your car and give him a fresh bucket of black paint and a new gin-su and say, "enjoy".


This guy just gave me some KFC with all the fixings, $5,000, tix to an Hall & Oates concert, and a fedora. Then he gave me a bucket of black paint, a new gin-su and pointed me to his car and said "enjoy" . I thinking this guy is 'off his rocker'. What should I do?