Bad Advice Only

I was just kidding about Salty's typo that "his wife can't take the hit" but I've been wondering if he caught that since the thread died 4 months ago when I gave him my advice. Should I be concerned?

 

Just pull the wool over her eyes and she won't notice.

No, it's just that his wife started moderating his posts in this thread.
(Oops. Looks like a couple finally passed muster.)

Use it as an excuse for not doing important chores…after it's too late.
OR
Take it to mean you are right twice a day, and assume it applies to marital arguments.

Remove the guard and constantly spin it by hand, but be sure to leave the plug near an outlet.
OR
Use it as hood ornament, but first be sure to remove your windshield.

My wife wants me to mow the lawn, but our lawnmower needs gas and oil.

 

Buy some sheep, tell your wife the reason is no gas and oil necessary.

As I age I'm finding hairs growing out of the helix of my ear! I try using tweezers while looking in the mirror but I keep moving them the wrong way and missing the hairs. How to solve this problem?

 

Spray your ears with fresh grass scent, buy some sheep and let them do the job.

I bought some sheep to mow the lawn, but now have nowhere to keep them. Now what?

 

Run to be elected Chair of the School Board and hold your first meeting wearing your new CAV Stetson along with pearl handled revolvers on your side. Propose hiring guards in full riot gear, don't forget to coordinate with school colors, carrying standard issue M4 carbines at all entrances. Then draw your CAV Stetson down to your eyebrows, put your hands above your revolvers, squint your eyes and in your best Clint Eastwood voice ask, “Anyone opposed?”

I stumbled across these 2 cute little miniature donkeys for a great deal that I would love to have but how do I convince my wife that I need them?

 

The only solution is to ditch the wife. Pretend like you're going on a ride with her and make an excuse and jump off the last minute, run and get your food, and hide out on the other side of fair grounds until done. Go back, find wife and ask her where she went?

I bought 26 baby chickens for $147 but only wanted to keep 16 and this weekend I placed an ad and quickly sold the extra 10, now 8 weeks old for $20 each totaling $200. Thinking about this profit should I invest in more, and if so how many?

 

..nah, what you need now is a pet fox....

I have a 3 gallon bucket and a 5 gallon bucket but need exactly 4 gallons of water.

 

Pour from 5 gallon bucket into 3 gallon bucket, leaving 2 gallons. Empty out the 3 gallon bucket. Pour the 2 gallons in the 5 gallon bucket into the 3 gallon bucket. Fill up the 5 gallon bucket and pour it into the 3 gallon bucket until it's full, leaving 4 gallons in the 5 gallon bucket. Then do it backwards and repeat 3 times.

Summer is almost over and the only tan I've gotten this year is a farmer's tan, what to do?

 

Tell the officer his/her overweight mom ate your wallet for breakfast...

Your boss has recently promoted you to a higher position and wants you to give a speech to the rest of the employees within the company. What do you do?

 

Tell the wife you've decided to rent a dumpster and plan to clear all the clutter starting with her side of the closet and then the kitchen.

I keep pressing my hand and fingers in weird angles against the headboard in my sleep and now I have injured my hand because of this, how do I break this habit?

 

A promotion to head of the board at your company should do the trick.


My wife would like some Hepa finding a new lightweight vacuum but I'm no Hepa.

How and what should I pass on as an incognito hint?

 

HEPA, if I know.

With no problems of my own, I can’t stop giving advice to those with ‘em. What should they do?

 

Call the HEPA line.

There are fertilized eggs in the basket and the chickens will not come home to roost. Advice?

 

Well do your Christian duty and nestle your warm little fanny on there and hatch them babies... Brother Glen