Dumb jokes only

[tyndale1946]

Nice to meet you, Brother Glen.

My paternal grandparents lived in Garden City. So many fond childhood memories! My goodness, has it been 40 years now?

Well I'm no spring chicken either... Actually my 2nd wife went to college with a Petersen, and she lives with her husband in Garden City... I guess its true what they say... Its a small world... Brother Glen

Btw... They say there no fool like an old fool... Been fooling around on BB since I joined... Welcome to the BB!

 

[TheFool]

The sign said, "See the talking dog, $1.00". "No way!", said the man. "All right here's buck. Let's hear him talk."

"Okay, Fred", said the owner. "What's on top of a house?"
"ROOF, ROOF!", said the dog.

The man rolls his eyes.

"Fred, how does sandpaper feel?"
"ROUGH, ROUGH!", says the dog.

The man scowls.

"One more. Fred, who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH, RUTH!", says Fred.

"The dog is a fraud!", says the man, "Everybody knows the greatest baseball player of all time was Willie Mays!"

 

[Salty]

Whats on the outside of a tree

"BARK"

 

[TheFool]

Whats on the outside of a tree

"BARK"

Salty, that definitely would've improved the joke.

 

[tyndale1946]

Whats on the outside of a tree

"BARK"

So Salty... On a dogwood tree is it... "BARK"... "BARK"?... Brother Glen

 

[TheFool]

The highway patrolman pulled over the little old lady for doing 90 MPH in a 55 zone. She rolled down the window as the patrolman approached the vehicle.

"Ma'am", he said, "I ran your plate and it says you have a Concealed Carry permit. Do you currently have any firearms in your possession?"

"Why yes, officer, I do", said the little old lady. "There is a 12-gauge shotgun on the floor in the backseat, there's a loaded.357 Magnum revolver in the glove box, a .45 in the center console, my snub-nose .38 is in my purse, and I have a Glock 43 tucked in my waistband."

The highway patrolman raised his eyebrows. "Ma'am, that's an awful lot of firepower you're carrying. What are you afraid of?"

"Not a darn thing, officer. Not a darn thing."

 

[Alcott]

The sign said, "See the talking dog, $1.00". "No way!", said the man. "All right here's buck. Let's hear him talk."
....

"One more. Fred, who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH, RUTH!", says Fred.

"The dog is a fraud!", says the man, "Everybody knows the greatest baseball player of all time was Willie Mays!"

The way I heard that one a bout 45 years ago, the man went into a bar and made a bet with the barkeep for his drink that the dog could talk, so he was "proving it" When the dog answered the last question "Ruth! Ruth!", the bartender kicked both the man and the dog out, and the dog looked up at the man and said, "DiMaggio??"

 

[SovereignGrace]

Actually my 2nd wife went to college with a Petersen, and she lives with her husband in Garden City...

So, she has two husbands? You and with the guy she's living with in Garden City?

J/K....

 

[TheFool]

The little boy was hard away drawing a picture in Sunday School.

"What are you drawing, Johnny?", the Sunday School teacher asked.

"I'm drawing a picture of God!", Johnny replied.

"Oh. But Johnny, no one knows what God looks like."

"Well, they will when I'm done with my picture!", Johnny said earnestly.

 

[Salty]

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute."

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."

 

[Alcott]

Did you hear about the surgeon who was also a comedian? He left his patients in stitches.

 

[BroTom64]

Did the Horse cross the road?

Neigh.

Truthfully, Emperor Caligula wanted to appoint his horse Incitatus, to the Senate. But Caligula was assassinated before he could make it happen. Reports of the day state the other Senators were worried Incitatus would only vote Neigh.

 

[Salty]

Did the Horse cross the road?

Neigh.

Truthfully, Emperor Caligula wanted to appoint his horse Incitatus, to the Senate. But Caligula was assassinated before he could make it happen. Reports of the day state the other Senators were worried Incitatus would only vote Neigh.

Why not - was he horsing around?

 

[SovereignGrace]

Two blonds walked into a bar. Why didn't at least one of them duck?

 

[BroTom64]

If you find yourself sick, at Death's Door,
Go to Dr. Kavorkian, he'll pull you through.

 

[John of Japan]

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? She wanted to lay it on the line.

 

[John of Japan]

Warning: this joke is politically incorrect (Polish joke).
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Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact.

 

[Salty]

Did you hear the joke about the Baptist minister, Catholic Priest and Jewish rabbi
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.Trick question -
What self-respecting Baptist minister would be in company with a RC priest!

 

[John of Japan]

So the backslidden Baptist preacher goes fishing with the Catholic priest and the Jewish rabbi. The boat gets out in the lake, but then the priest says, "I forgot my bait," and walks on the water to the shore, coming back with the bait. Then the rabbi says, "I forgot my lure," and walks on the water to the shore and back. The Baptist thinks, "I can't let them win the spiritual battle for faith," and says, "I forgot my hooks." He gets out of the boat and immediately sinks. The priest says to the rabbi, "Think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

 

[BasketFinch]

"Dumb jokes only"

Ohhhh, OK.

Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us