I am going to say this, and i wont mention names...they are free to chime in if they want to.
Several years ago, when my illness reached it's peak, I was at the edge. I mean, I had nothing, and i wanted to die more than anything. I didnt want to die to get back at anyone, or to prove a point, i just wanted to die because I was tired of living. I hated myself.
I had no family, no friends, i was in a state where i didnt know anyone.....and I wanted to die.
But....I kept going back to the BB, and talking with people. Several here had me call them on the phone, a couple helped me with a place to stay, and eventually I made my way back to reality. Some here on the BB know who I was before, and who I am now.
My ordeal wasnt over by no means, I got worse a few months later and found myself with the barrel of a gun in my mouth. Luckily, someone helped me get to the right hospital, and the correct diagnosis.
Now, I have a great home with my wife and 6 year old. I have the support of a great pastor. In the past three years I have put thousands of hours into treatment and thearpy. I get so tired of going to the doctor, and taking the meds. But guess what? It is worth it all, because now I at least appear to be normal....and I never have before.
I wish FAL and Fred could see a video of my first 50 years of undiagnosed mental illness, and then see a video of my life in the last three years since I started to recover.
Yes, as Icon said, it is a struggle. Everyday I face the same problems I always had and it is hard sometimes to make myself deal with them in a different way, but it is worth it.
Funny thing is this, I get angry sometimes at the stuff people post here, but I have learned to live with it. This thread is just a cyber example of what I hear in person from some of my Christian brothers in my church that I dearly love.
OK, here comes a confession.
My pastor and I are really good friends. To me it's rare to have a true preacher of the Gospel that I can call a friend, but he is.
I see him several times a week. He shows up here anytime, and I go to his house anytime. Last week, his 6 year old had a sleepover at my house with my 6 year old. We camped out in the living room with snacks, a coleman latern, and of course, X-Box. The next morning I took the boys fishing, and they caught at least a dozen smallmouth bass. (Got pics so it will never be forgotten)
Anyway, I am very close to my pastor and my wife and I have been visiting other churches, but we havent been to the church we love for a while because of the one deacon that hates me.
He is a photogragher, and he posted on facebook one Sunday about how he spent all night in a nightclub taking pictures of a band, and how much fun the nightclub was.
Well, I responded with "Do you think it is a good idea for a deacon to be in a night club all night?'
Boy, did he let me have it. He was furious.
It got so bad that we had a meeting with me, him and our two pastors. At the meeting he berated me terribly. His stance was that he was a deacon and that I had no right to question what he did.
And then he dropped the bombshell!
He stated that my disability was fake, mental illness does not exist, and noone should listen to anything that a freeloader like me has to say.
So, me and my wife have been visiting other churches. My pastor is still my pastor and friend, but we dont feel comfortable going to our church right now. (The deacons family is on almost every committe, and his mother is the piano player, ect)
Let me add, that in the last 12 months since this happened. The deacon was removed from office, his house was foreclosed on, his wife lost her teaching job, and his photography business went under.
Go figure!
John
