Dumb jokes only

This one is dumb in 2 different ways:

Everybody knows baseball was invented by Abner Doubleplay.

 

OH... OH... OH... I got that!... Before the Eve of DESTRUCTION!... Brother Glen

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods...

When one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He yells, "MY FRIEND IS DEAD!! WHAT CAN I DO?!?! "The operator says, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a gunshot is heard. The guy comes back and says, "Ok, now what?!?"

 

Some of the type I enjoy the most, Brotom64 entered favorably:

"The doctor had to remove my left ventricle," said Tom half-heartedly.

"My garden needs another layer of mulch," Tom repeated.

"You must be my host," Tom guessed.

"I'm going to end it all," Sue sighed.

"Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously.

"Don't let me drown in Egypt!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial.

"I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a blank stare.

"I swallowed some of the glass from that broken window," Tom said painfully.

"Elvis is dead," said Tom expressly.

"Your Honour, you're crazy!" said Tom judgementally.

"This is the real male goose," said Tom producing the propaganda.

"The cat sounds as if she's happy now she's been fed," said Tom purposefully.

 

The differences between Jesus and Santa Claus:
Santa Claus leaves us with his presents; Jesus never leaves us without his presence.
Santa Claus rides a fleeting sleigh without death; Jesus slays fleeting death without a ride.
Santa Claus fills your stocking according to the spirit of one season; Jesus stocks your filling seasoned with the Spirit's one accord.

 

Oh no-- did I get the wrong spool?
If I did, don't let it needle you.

 

Thus the saying: One sews and another rips.

 

The guy who sent me this said it was a Kansan's favorite risqué joke.

What did the lady tractor say to her boyfriend?

"Kiss me, John, Deere."

 

"Hillary Clinton has COVID, but Bill doesn't."

...Yeah, that's a shocker!

 

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. The blind man picks up his dog and spins him around. The bartender asked "why did you do that?" The blind man replied, "oh, I'm just looking around."

 

A blind man is walking into town with his seeing eye dog... When all of the sudden the seeing eye dog spots a cat and takes off across the street dragging the blind man with him against traffic with brakes squealing, horns honking and finally the blind man dirty and shaken, starts to get up as the onlookers are horrified as they run to his assistance... The blind man is helped up and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of dog treats and this horrifies the group who gathered even further... Then one man who saw the whole thing says, you almost got killed as your dog drug you across the street, what are you doing?... The blind man calming says, I'm trying to find his mouth, SO I CAN KICK HIS BUTT!!!... Brother Glen

 

A guy was looking for a really good squirrel dog so he could hunt. One day he found an add in the paper that said, "World's greatest squirrel dog for sale. $2,000. Firm." He got the # and called and got directions from the man. He went to his house and he showed him a legless beagle tied to a dog house. He looked at the man and said, "What kind of idiot do you take me to be? This dog couldn't squirrel hunt even if he wanted to." The guy reassured him and went and got a wheelbarrow. They went out into the hills and in less than two hours they killed 15 squirrels.

The guy bought the dog and showed him off to his wife who asked him, "What kind of idiot are you?!?!?" He reassured her that he was a legit squirrel dog and got up early the next morning and took off hunting, dog, shotgun, wheelbarrow, and all. It's 10:00 that night and he's yet to come home. So his wife called several of his friends worried about him, so they got together and formed a search party. About 5:00 that next morning he came dragging in. He was bloody from head-to-toe, with scratches, scrapes, nicks, cuts, clothes torn to doll rags. His wife asked, "Honey, where have you been all this time?!??!?!" To which he replied, "Don't you know that blasted dog took off after a deer?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?"

 

I did NOT see that one coming

 

The boss is interviewing candidates for a new Administrative Assistant. HR sent in the next candidate, who turned out to be a Golden Retriever. The man rolls his eyes, but the dog's resume is impeccable.

"It says here that you can perform routine office tasks. Let's see you 'fetch' me a cup of coffee." "WOOF!", says the dog, who then goes over to the coffee maker, puts in a Keurig cup, and brings the boss a mug of hot coffee.

"Not bad", says the man, sipping on his coffee. "Your resume says you're skilled with Microsoft Office. Can you demonstrate on that laptop over there?" "WOOF!", says the dog, who proceeds to bring up and edit a Word document, an Excel spreadsheet, and a Power Point chart.

"Very impressive", says boss. "According to your resume, you're fluent in foreign languages. Well, 'speak'!"

"Meow!", says the dog.

And a happy April Fool's day to y'all!

 

Sent this to a friend of mine who lives in Garden City, who drives a Allis-Chalmers tractor... Yep... Both him and his wife, have heard it... Brother Glen

 

Nice to meet you, Brother Glen.

My paternal grandparents lived in Garden City. So many fond childhood memories! My goodness, has it been 40 years now?