While I completely appreciate the point and the zeal, this is a perfect example of as difficult hermeneutical backflip as I've ever seen.
There is simply no support for this kind of a claim in either the original texts or backed up archeologically.
It's sort of like saying, Jesus' hair wasn't long and He didn't have a beard...and where it says it in the Scriptures it clearly means His hair just above the ears and He had a 5 o'clock shadow. Let's lay aside our presuppositions and not eisogete into the text what isn't there.
Jesus drank wine...and probably a good vintage.